One of those Days

Dear Frenchie

I had to return Amazon stuff to the UPS store on Higley today. I think I have returned everything I ordered from Amazon since you passed away. I've lost so much weight when I went to see Dr. Howard; she told me I weighed 110 pounds. No wonder nothing fits me. I'm the same size I was when I met you. Cooking for two was hard, and now cooking for one is next to impossible; luckily, I don't get hungry. Dr. Howard said the least amount of weight I should have is 126 pounds. I don't know what else to do; I eat 42 grams of protein daily and a bowl of ice cream every night. Remember when I told you how thin I was in High School? At graduation, I only weighed 96 pounds. I can't get that low; I'm trying so hard to gain weight  I think I should set the alarm to remind me to eat like my mom did when I was a teenager.

Today, I was full of emotions. I was sad and regretful, which is something I try not to be. I'll talk to you about that in another letter. The strongest emotion I felt today was being mad. I drove up to UPS for the returns and sat in my car to watch this man. He must have weighed 500 pounds and could hardly walk; his son took everything in for him. I stared at this man for at least five minutes, wondering why? Why is he allowed to live? I know I shouldn't judge him, but it is so unhealthy for him I wanted to go shake him into the real world. I wanted to tell him it's a matter of time before he dies of a heart attack.

I started to ugly cry in my Jeep, watching him, and his son was not far behind him in weight. I miss you. It's not fair; you worked so hard to lose weight, and you drank that green drink every morning, the pomegranate juice, those immune drinks, and don't forget the beets, all of course from COSTCO:) You walked 10,000 steps, and for once in your life, you were truly happy. We fell in love all over again ... we had plans ... I don't understand why God would want you to leave me? ... To leave your grandchildren? ...This f'ing sucks. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this. You've always been my lighthouse, the one who led me home. I don't have you anymore, and my heart is broken. I'm sorry; it has just been one of those days where everything I see around me has been a trigger. I love you, sweetheart, goodnight. I'll be back tomorrow and hopefully in a better mood.

Dr. Sal Lettieri (The BIG man)

 Dear Frenchie

Today, Dr. Lettieri called me to see how I was doing. He was so compassionate and kind. I told him how proud you were that he was my surgeon. I remember hearing you answer someone's question when they said, "Really, Eric, how is Monya doing through all this change in her life and appearance?" You talked more about Dr. Lettieri than you did about me. I told him what you've said over the years. "He's a genius." You acknowledged and understood why my friendship with him was more of a connection because he would be doing such difficult surgeries on me. You said, "Not many patients have Dr. Sal Lettieri's personal phone number." He laughed and said, "Well, he got that right; you are THE only patient with my personal cell phone." 

I told him how much you admired him and loved that I had a surgeon during this very difficult transition to help me with no bull crap by being honest with me and the number of surgeries I'd have to endure with you. He was very touched by your words. I told him he needs to give himself more credit for what he does, I could never do what he does. I asked him how a trauma Surgeon handles a patient dying in front of them. He said, "I don't know, I cannot answer that there is no sense to it but it's my job. So I pull it together before I talk to the families. Then I asked him, "If it was Sara or Sophia, would you react differently?" Of course, he said he would. "Family is not off limits for grieving and the pain of missing them. I'd say the mourning your family is feeling now is perfectly normal. I'd quit my job and never get married again."

He asked how I was doing, and I told him I miss you, especially at night. Something that he said to me really helped. He explained, "Monya, you were so lucky to have the last 14 months that you had with him; most people don't get that chance when given your diagnosis." He continued to tell me what a good man you were and that he went to the funeral thinking he knew you pretty well after all the talks you two have had, but he left the funeral wanting to be better, nicer, and more like you! That is a BIG compliment coming from him. He is going part-time in two years, then retiring at 70. Yeah, right, he's a workaholic and loves what he does; I told him he was born to do what he does, and he would drive Sara crazy if he retired. He laughed and said, "I know I will, and I love it." with his little chuckle. You and I both know it would be hard for him to stop thinking about cranial surgeries and trauma. Oh, and he will be at Mayo when he goes part-time. Finally, someone at the Mayo in Phoenix sees what Rochester knew when they hired him. He works a lot with Neuro surgeons now at Mayo instead of the plastics department, where he literally has only had me for a patient with real trauma needs. You know he won't do boobs, lifts, or anything plastic unless it's the face. Mayo in Phoenix does not have trauma, so on Wednesdays when he is supposed to work in plastics, he never has patients, but they call him into surgeries to give his opinion, and he is always right; so now the Neuro Surgeons want him to consult with them on patients.

He finally agreed that I would always be his favorite patient. He's had more surgeries with me than any other patient. I love that he still thinks about you and me and said we were a good example. He said it was an honor to know a man who loved his wife like you. Hopefully, Sara will see some changes in him. I told him we thought he was such a good husband to Sara and father to Sophia and Carmichael, but mostly that Sara would not have stayed with him as long as she has if she, too, didn't love him. He agreed and said he would probably pay for Sophia's wedding soon ... I would love to be a fly on the wall when that guy asks Dr. Lettieri for Sophia's hand in marriage. Then I told him how you treated Brian when he asked you to marry Kaitlyn. Now, Dr. Lettieri got the biggest laugh out of that. He refuses to meet the guy. So when he goes to Boston to visit her he will not allow this guy to be around ... sounds familiar to me I think every good dad feels that way. Sara is the nicest woman in the world to be married to a genius like him with no common sense she teaches him how to balance.

Thank you for being with me through forty surgeries and never complaining. Not many husbands could be that loyal, and I love you for it.

See you soon; I love you

Monya

Happy Birthday Frenchie

Dear Frenchie;

Brian drove me down to Mexico so I could celebrate your birthday. I have some catching up to do. Life is crazy right now. I'm working again, and because you used to wake me up for work, I was a no-show one day because I didn't set my alarm correctly, and then I was late because I didn't hear the alarm go off. I don't wear the earplug anymore, boy; after all these years of wearing one at bedtime, it is hard to get used to, but I never miss the alarm now.

I always slept well in Mexico; it was so relaxing, and the weather was beautiful. Brian had to get home for some weddings, so I stayed and celebrated with you. The kids came the next day.

Just before sunset, I gathered some flowers growing on the property and headed to the beach. There were not as many people as I thought there would be, so I made a video for you. I said, "Life is Good." Then, I said, "But not as good without you, babe." Then I threw the flowers into the ocean and watched them go out to sea. When I couldn't see them any longer, they were out of my sight. I cried, knowing you were out of sight, but I could feel you that day. Thank you for that.

It was a lot of fun having almost everyone there. Blake's family and Kaitlyn and her children stayed in 507, and Haleigh and Scott stayed in 604. Kayla and Jeremy's family were here last week, and they loved it. I like seeing them take advantage of going to Mexico since they don't get vacations. 

We all celebrated you in our own way. I'm learning about grieving as I live through it and see the kids all grieve differently. I made a big mistake by asking the kids if they wanted to go through your shirts in Mexico; we all picked out the ones we loved and remembered you in the most. I have been gathering my own pile at home; the kids will have their choice of shirt, shorts, or pants to cut up and make a quilt out of, too. We were headed home the next day, so Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh went to the pool with their children for an hour or so. 

I gathered the clothing they didn't want and carried them to the HOA. They were so grateful and said they would find new homes for all the clothing, it was mostly pants-when did you ever wear pants in Mexico? I guess in the winter when we visited, but as I sorted them, I realized you had swimsuits and shorts that were 4X pants size 40, sweetheart. As I looked at the size of them, I thought about how hard you worked to lose weight. I don't remember you being so large. I'm sorry about that, too. I think you started to eat more when I was going through cancer treatments. I was so worried about my health that I didn't notice yours, and I am so sorry. Maybe I could have saved you by being more assertive, but it's a fine line to talk about. Being too skinny as a teenager, my mom made me eat, but I never gained any weight because I didn't make food a priority; running was my priority. 

When the kids came back to the condo, Blake was angry and asked what happened to all the clothes, and I told them I had taken them to the HOA. He became explosive, wanting to know where the shoes were. I told him I took them to the HOA but that he had mentioned the golf shoes, and I saved those for him. Then Chloe started in on me. I had no words because I was in the wrong. I never considered that when Blake comes to the condo, part of his enjoyment would be seeing all of your clothes hanging in the closet; it reminded him of his dad.

I gave him some time, but I did apologize to him when everyone wasn't standing around and told him next time any of us go to Mexico, we will take all their favorites back down to Mexico and hang them back up. Blake is a forgiving person, you know that. He's a mama's boy but adult enough to accept my apology and move on.

We all thought about you in our own way on your Birthday. I forgot to make you a German Chocolate Cake, so I will do that on Father's day for you. I love you so much, and as I navigate through all that comes with processing losing a husband and best friend, I love you even more and cannot wait to see you again. There is a whole in my heart that can never be filled by anyone but you.

Love Monya

Grief

Dear Frenchie

My grief has not made me stronger, but it made me aware of all we had together. I have no choice but to learn how to function in the face of pure fear, bone-deep rage, and gut-wrenching sadness. You were my person, and now you're gone; I have no hugs, no kisses, and no "I love you" every day. I continue to pray every night for you and for our family to survive this incredible loss. I told you before, and I will continue to say, "I will NEVER get remarried." Not because I don't believe in intimacy or love, but because I could search the world repeatedly and NEVER find someone like you. You are and will always be THE BEST man for me. No one can compare.

Grief is a sadness that can only be known deep inside the devastated soul of the griever. It's this kind of despair that changes your entire life forever. I never knew how much I loved you until my heart was broken on that beach in Maui. I always thought we would have time to say, do, travel, laugh, and love more deeply. 

My entire universe was changed overnight. It's altered everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me. And every day, I uncover more about what that even means. 

Sometimes, I feel you hold me at night like you used to. I have such a hard time sleeping, and I appreciate it when you quietly embrace me until I fall asleep. Thank you.

I realize that my feelings of grief change from day to day or even moment to moment. I will never forget you and what we shared together. Reflecting on our life together, we had much more romantic, fun vacations and everyday connections than most. 

Remember when it seemed like every one of our friends was getting divorced? That was a crazy time. But I loved that you and I always discussed those things and why people grow apart. We know why each of them broke up, and pride is a big part. Neither one could say sorry and really mean it. That was never worth an eternal marriage to you, and you fought for me to forgive you and move forward because, in the end, we made commitments to each other and promised our family would be eternal. I am so grateful for you and the man who made me a better wife and friend. 

I forgive you for putting me in positions where I felt forced to do things I didn't want to. I heard your apology, and I know how hard it was for you to say it with tears rolling down your cheeks in front of Jori and Dwight. But I promise I didn't tell them anything; your sincere apology put us all in tears. Your honesty and vulnerability were something I had never felt before, and it was an unforgettable moment. I will always hold that moment close to my heart. Only you and I know what that apology was for or what it meant to me. Thank you.

See you soon; I love you.

Monya

Easter Sunday

 Dear Frenchie, I cry daily, and I know you love that!! I miss you so much. Sometimes, it takes my breath away. This morning, I woke up and got ready to go to Blake and Chloe's for breakfast. We ate my favorite German Pancake, and Chloe made the yummy syrup. Zeek wanted to slow me his slimy something in the bathroom sink; he told me it was supposed to grow. Weslie hugged me tight; I had to hold in any emotion. I always try to be brave with the kids and grandchildren.

Today, Allyson Jones spoke in church about God's grace. It was like hearing you tell me about God's tender mercy and grace for his children. His son Jesus Christ died for all of our sins, big or small, but for some reason, as we go through life, we shame ourselves. There is no need for that; Christ died on the cross, and Heavenly Father gave His son for all our sins. I know the plan is set, but I miss you so much that sometimes it makes me mad that you and I didn't communicate better about our finances. You have always told me I would be cared for, but this is not what I wanted. I want YOU back. 

Tomorrow, we meet with another attorney. I feel really good about Brian Holmn. Ron gave me his name, and another financial planner also referred me to him. But I've just heard that you must see a few attorneys before picking one. I would like to know what I should do after tomorrow, so I asked Brian, and Brother Arnold offered to help give me a blessing. I want to make sure I am making all the right decisions; a blessing will help you know that. But if I had one thing to say to you, it would be, WHY DID'N'T YOU HAVE A TRUST? If you can see us, I'm sure you are laughing and saying, "You're getting hot ... oh no, now you are really cold. Keep searching." If I didn't know you better, you wanted us to figure out this puzzle you left.  Well, guess what? I'm not laughing.

Parental Regrets

I spent the day in bed and woke up feeling really down. I miss my Frenchie with all my heart. Sunday is Easter, and I will miss sitting next to Frenchie in church while he sings all the words and hymns uniquely. Bless His Heart. He was the first to say he couldn't hold a tune if his life was on the line. But he loved music, all types of music. One of the things I loved about taking road trips with him was he loved to listen to the Love Channel. In church, I always wanted him to sit on my deaf ear side so I didn't have to hear him sing the wrong words to the hymns; now that was embarrassing. He didn't care. He was singing Carly Simon to the tune of the hymns. I'm going to miss that!!

Blake stopped by to see how I was doing; he is much like Eric. He loves his mama, and Blake is definitely a mama's boy. I love his hugs and when he kisses me on the forehead, "How's it going, mama?" He has always been so sweet to me. Chloe is a very blessed woman to have Blake as her husband. Like his dad, he will be a good provider, but his family is more of a priority than it was to Eric. That part differs from Eric's; he worked hard and was not with my children much when they were little. I never thought about that then because that's what all dads and some moms did. The generation raising my grandchildren is much more present in their children's lives, including the dad. 

One night a couple of years ago, Eric and I discussed parenting. We believed we gave our children too much. I had a lot of shame because of what happened to Haleigh, "How could I let anyone, including family, babysit her?" Kayla said she was abused, too, but not by the same person. I didn't believe her, because when she told me it was in a rage and she said, "I was abused IN YOUR HOME." When I asked who did that to her, she got mad and said, "I'm not going to tell you that. It's none of your business." "Kayla, are you kidding me? If that happened in my home, I deserve to know who did that to you." These two things have haunted me. Eric felt ashamed for not spending enough time with his children and wished he hadn't raised his voice or gotten angry when he tried to help them with math. He also had so many regrets about Blake. I said he wished he would have spent more time with him. But he also said Blake, and he got much closer in Blake's adult years. I told Eric he didn't need to regret that and that our only son loves his dad. I told him Blake would always look up to him and that he wanted to be like him. 

We learned that parenting is hard, really hard. And we did the best we could with what we were taught. Eric often said, "This is about me and you now. The kids have their families to care for, and you and I have many years to travel and be together."

The Love of a Child

I have to tell my heart to beat again; I'm not sure I know how to do that without Frenchie. I love him so much. Getting used to being alone in this house is really hard. 

The evenings are the hardest. Eric and I used to kneel and pray every night together, and now he's gone, and I have to do this alone. This is the first time in my life that I have questioned my faith in God. It scares me. I cry all the time, I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm feeling very alone. I can't ask God to return him; it hurts so bad that I wish I knew what to do.

Today, Blake, Haleigh, Brian, and I met with an attorney, Brian Holm. He wanted to talk to me alone first. I don't understand anything being said. It sounds like a Charlie Brown scene with the teacher talking, but Charlie only hears a garbled noise. I know the other side of fear is believing in myself and trusting in what I've been taught. Out of everything I've been through, this is by far the hardest. I just need to go through, feel, hate, be confused and believe I will see him again. 

When I was done listening to what the attorney said, we entered a conference room, and my children came inside. We all took our seats, and I began to ask questions. He answered every question. Then, my children asked questions, but my children already knew a lot of what he was trying to teach me. Wills, living wills, estate planning ...? I'm not supposed to know this stuff. I was going to die before Eric, and I don't care about his money, and what I own now is not anything I'm thinking about. My children are the only absolutes that I know; they are amazing. They are graceful; I could not have gotten through this meeting without them.

I told the attorney I was there to set up my will and trust for my children; this was the only way I could see honoring their dad, and I didn't want any confusion or hurt feelings with my children. I broke down and cried a little; it was so comforting to have Haleigh and Blake on both sides of me. They put their hands on my shoulders, and it felt so good. I have the best children on earth, of course, I've always been proud of them, but this is so hard on them, and they are trying to comfort me? I feel like, as their mother, I should cry alone so they don't see my weakness. The tears release my pain; if I have to dry my eyes and wipe my cheeks every day of the year, I will. This is not going away. 

After we finished with the attorney, Brian took me home. Easter is on Sunday, and I am not prepared, so I went to Target and got a few little things for my grandchildren. I also stopped by Kaitlyn's to give Flo her birthday present—a cute stuffed bunny. Archer and Phoenix opened the door; they were so sweet. I've missed them, and I'll take any little bit of love I can get from all of them right now. Florence came running to me ... "Bonbon is here," and she hugged me as I handed her the bunny. Phoenix approached her and said, "Florence, now you have more to add to your bunny collection." How sweet of him. Florence was a tender mercy I needed today. Holding her in my arms is a gift I will always treasure. She loved her Papa and said he was her best friend. It's always amazing to me how the spirit of children is so pure and authentic.

Brain Scan

 I thought I was past getting these scans. My neurologist wants to continue scanning my brain. I have fallen a lot since I was diagnosed with Meningitis. I've had an increase in migraines. 

I arrived at Mayo Clinic Hospital's first floor for the scan. This is a scan or (MRI) I have never experienced. First, I had to get dressed in the gown, and then I was taken into a room where the nurse had a hard time finding a vein. (no big surprise) After being poked several times, she finally found a baby vein in my finger; she was nice enough to use the infant needles. Most nurses don't listen to me when I tell them it's hard to find a vein in me, and they continue with big needles and blow out my veins. Today, I was blessed with a nurse who could see no veins, used baby needles, and proceeded. She was so kind and gentle.

She accompanied me to the waiting area, where two men were waiting. I was called first and followed the technician to the MRI machine room. He explained to me that this was not a typical MRI. With their magnetic process, the sounds will be more intense and different than I'm used to. I'm assuming I am also not allowed to have music on because of the metal in the earbuds or headphones.

As they rolled me into this massive MRI machine, I lay still as they asked. I closed my eyes and dreamed of Frenchie and me in Porte Jaune riding bikes. This was the most exciting romantic trip we had ever been on. I'm not scared or anxious going into Mayo Clinic today, Eric usually had to give me a pep talk when I go into these procedures. Today, my memories with my love helped me get through the racket going on in this machine. Before I knew it they pulled me out and connected me to the IV in my finger. This will give the specific dye my body needs for the techs to see anything unusual. I could feel the dye going through my body, but once again my Frenchie was smiling down on me with that twinkle in his eye.

"See You Soon"

 I got out of bed at 6:30 a.m. this morning. I didn't sleep last night, staring at the ceiling fan going around and around. The sun came up, and I knew I only had a couple of hours to be ready to go to my sweet, sweet husband's funeral. I wanted to look pretty for him but knew that would not happen. I've been crying for over two weeks; my eyes are puffy, and the crooked face is not helping. I keep trying to remember to let go of things I have no control over, but this is too hard. 

I wore a black dress with a white waistline. I have lost so much weight worrying about my children and how I could make things better. I weighed myself this morning, and I was 126 pounds. I'm afraid of losing anymore. I'm in a size 4. Nothing in my closet fits. I really wanted to look suitable for Frenchie today. While getting ready, I thought, "Who am I trying to impress? No one; Frenchie was my only love, and I've always wanted to look my best for him."

My talk would not print off. Blake called and said Chloe was on her way to pick me up. It was so frustrating. I finally grabbed my laptop and purse and greeted Weslie and Zeek at the door. Big hugs for Bonbon. I love them with all my heart. I remember when Vi passed on, Ben was the oldest grandson. He was so young, and today, he attended Ton Ton's funeral as a husband and father of four, with the oldest being older than he was when she died. Where does the time go?? 

We finally made it to the church. Eric's casket was already in the Relief Society room, so I sat in the front row. The florals Haleigh Brownlee made are so beautiful. Doran and Shannon came with their families. I haven't seen all of them together for years. Kurt, Amy, and their families arrived, and Dean and Raylani's families came in. I think I'm getting old. Uncle Mike came in and sat right next to me. I love having him here. He had on a dark blue suit and tie and looked so handsome.

When everyone was seated, Bunker Funeral Home directors approached me and asked if I wanted to assist them in putting the cap on Eric to finish off his beautiful Temple clothes. A rush of anxiety rushed through my veins; I had no idea they would open the casket today. I assisted or watched as they put on his cap, kissed him on the forehead, and sat down. Then, they asked if anyone wanted to come forward to say their final goodbyes to Eric. I didn't know that was going to happen either. Dwight grabbed Blake and walked him up to see Eric; I was so nervous for Blake. He didn't want to see his dad. I wondered what he was thinking. Karen Gruninger bought fourteen leis from Hawaii, and we all wore them. Mine was purple and white and smelled pretty.

We walked as a family behind the casket and took our seats in the front rows. My heart was racing; how was this even possible? We were supposed to have another twenty to thirty years together. I left my phone at home and regretted it later. Plus, I know Eric would have wanted me to take many pictures. Bishop Witt Randall was conducting; Terry Lents stood and told great memories of working with Eric for thirty years, and then he opened with a prayer. Eric would have loved to have people of other faiths, and he loved Terry. Kurt talked of his memories with Eric growing up. Dwight and Kendall Ray shared their memories of Eric, too. Brent Slade sang How Great Thou Art. The spirit was so strong, and the music beautiful. I know Eric loved hearing Brent's voice. Blake and my girls were brave and poignant when speaking about their dad. Clyde Bawden played the most beautiful medley of songs. I thought my legs would give out on me walking up to the pulpit. Thank you, Haleigh, for walking up with me. I have no idea what I said, but there was nothing in my notes.

The closing Hymn was God Be With You Till We Meet Again. Then Doran said the closing prayer. Many people were at the burial, and it was an honor to be Eric's wife. Brian dedicated the grave, and it was beautiful. Brian has always been good at everything he does.

Weslie came and sat on my lap; she was crying really hard. I tried to comfort her but also wanted her to know it was ok to cry; she missed Papa. I put my lei' on his casket; my grandchildren put lei's on his casket, too. Then, we watched as they lowered the casket to the ground. This day was an unbelievable tribute to my sweet Frenchie. He would have been so proud of his children, I was.

Frenchie is in Arizona (finally)

This morning, I woke up and had to run to the Desseret Book Store to pick up new pants for Eric's burial. I then met the kids at Bunker Funeral Home. This is so surreal, I haven't been able to sleep I miss Eric so much.

I'll see you in the stars

Today, I was alone most of the day. I started to go through Eric's paperwork ... I worked on separating medical, bank, and other stuff. Eric's body is supposed to be flown home tomorrow. I miss him and still cannot believe I will never physically hug or kiss him again.

Florence fell and broke her little arm in two places while Kaitlyn was at my house helping with plans for her dad's funeral arrangements. I felt so sorry for her when I saw the pictures. Florence is our youngest grandchild and is as cute as can be. She looks just like Kaitlyn did when she was a little girl.

When I took the garbage out tonight, I walked out the front door and saw the brightest, twinkling star—the only one I saw in the dark sky. I dropped the garbage and knew it was Eric winking at me. I could feel him watching over me. I stared at the star, wanting him to jump from the sky and hold me. After picking up the mess and getting it to the garbage can, I sat on my front doorstep staring at that star with memories of Eric and me. 

All the years we have shared together have allowed me to have thousands of memories with one of the greatest men I have ever met. We were not perfect parents, but we did our best with what we knew. We often talked about our children and asked each other if we could have done any better. One night, I remember him telling me we could have done better; he wished he had been more active in their lives, and his biggest regret was not attending church with them weekly. My biggest regret is that I wish I had been more patient, lowered my voice, and softened my heart. Then we talked about all the good memories that left us laughing and smiling. There were more good memories than bad. We loved each of our children unconditionally. We agreed it was just as hard to parent our adult children as it was for our once young babies, toddlers, and teenagers. No parent is perfect and we agreed our children will only understand that once they have adult children.

It was a special experience to stare at that star. So many fun, happy, silly memories ran through my head as tears dribbled down my cheeks. "I miss you, Frenchie."