Embrace it, Enjoy it

 

SATURDAY, JULY 3, 2010

Embrace it, Enjoy it

Today I decided there are so many good reasons to have short chemo hair:

1. I can get ready to go anywhere in 15 minutes
2. No matter how much I run my fingers through it, it does not get dirty and always stays in shape
3. Even the heavy winds don't mess it up
4. My grandson can't pull it out
5. I have saved a lot of money on shampoo and conditioner
6. No blow-drying or straightening. It dries in about 5 minutes
7. It's thicker and healthier than it's been since I was a baby (no chemicals)
8. Lots of savings on haircuts and highlights
9. I've been told it brings out the color of my blue eyes
10. It's the new me (well, for now anyway)

Not sure if I will ever have my long hair again, so for now, I am embracing this new look of mine. I'm not "in love" with the style, but I have no choice, so I'll find every bit of good in it I can.

New Look For The Blog

 

THURSDAY, JULY 1, 2010

New Look for the Blog

Since I'm trying a new way of life, I decided to go all out and try a new blog look too. Every  time I logged on to my blog, I felt the the VILLAIN was lingering around. I think this new look, I think, will help me to move forward. What do you think? I love the new lighter feeling. Thank you Michelle; I love it.

Love This Boy

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 27, 2010

Love This Boy

Recker at the Hospital

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 26, 2010

Recker at the Hospital

This is my grandson Recker. Kayla had to take him to the hospital and run some tests for his Petite Mall Seizures. I cried when I first saw this picture. It's hard to see him like this because he is so sweet and happy all the time.

Elder Williams

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 24, 2010

Elder Williams

It's 3:18 in the morning; I cannot sleep, so I will try and blog. The blessings that come to a family when they have a son serving on a mission are incredible. In some ways, I feel like he has been blessed even more than we have. He has learned to rely on the Lord for his comfort and strength. Blake has always been a loving and compassionate son. However, he did not want to go on a mission. It took him a few years to decide to serve a mission. I am impressed at his commitment and reliance on Heavenly Father. My cancer diagnosis came 6 weeks before he left. Blake wanted to stay home and be with me. We had a long talk, and I explained to him that the Lord would take better care of him than I would be able to. We were both emotional talking about this, and I could see he had a heavy burden on his shoulders. As his mother, I was heartbroken; I couldn't tell him for sure that I would be here when he got home, but Blake promised me he would dedicate himself to the Lord's work, and I promised him that I would not send him any pictures of my bald head. Blake teared up and said something I will never forget. He said, "Mom, I feel so guilty; if I had left on my mission two years ago like I should have, I would be here for you." I told him the timing of leaving for his mission was perfect because it was his choice, and I didn't think he could handle seeing me go through the surgeries and treatments.

The night before he left on his mission President Greer came to our home and gave Blake a special blessing. He told Blake that if he was obedient on his mission, his mom would be here when he finished his service to the Lord. I believe everything has a time and a season; things in our lives happen for a reason. Blake's friends were coming home from their missions when he was leaving, I could understand why he felt the way he did, but I could clearly see that the Lord was preparing him for this moment. I miss him so much, but I know from his emails and letters he is becoming a man with his own personal testimony of Christ, and he loves sharing it with people. He's no longer my little boy, but he will always be a mama's boy.

He had a baptism last Saturday. His companion baptized Wellington, a 17-year-old boy; Blake loves him. It's incredible how close he gets to all the people he works with. The Lord is truly blessing him and watching over him. Elder Smith was transferred yesterday; Blake is now the senior companion and will be speaking only Spanish for at least the next 6 weeks since his companion speaks no English. These are a few of the pictures he sent yesterday:

Elder Smith and Elder Blake

Elder Williams with some local children (I think)

Elder Smith, Wellington, and Elder Williams

On the day of Wellington's baptism: Ernesto and Nuirka are on the left (he is teaching them right now). Some ward members showed up, and the Branch President, Elder Smith, and Elder Williams.

Blake being Blake with that creepy look he used to give his sisters to freak them out.

The Baptismal Font notice it is outside.

This is Olga's Family (she cooks all their food)

The Church Building in Constanza

Delfi, Elder Williams, and Wellington

Defusing Fear

TUESDAY, JUNE 22, 2010

Defusing Fear

Can we ever wholly heal from deep wounded scars that have affected our lives? I thought I was over some of those fears and childhood traumas that I went through. I went to counseling; I prayed almost as hard as I have the past year to help me to forgive. At times it felt as though these events in my life were holding me back like the events were substantial metal screws fastening down a large metal plate crushing my desire to live. It took me years to finally turn it over to the Lord and let him take this pain from me. I finally got to a place of forgiveness and even began to pray for the perpetrators. When one of the perpetrators died, I was at his bedside, and it was healing for me. Even though I had forgiven him, I did not see him for over 15 years until the day he died, and he was not conscious, so it made it easier for me.

I didn't want to go, so I prayed, and then the answer came that I should go; a year and 1/2 later, I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN. I say this last part because in reading the Anti Cancer, a couple of chapters were difficult for me to read without getting emotional. I have read them repeatedly and marked them, and highlighted them. The man who wrote this book is a clinical professor of psychiatry; he has counseled thousands of VILLAIN patients and seems to know his stuff. The doctor hit so many of my feelings over the years right on the nose. 

He said that trauma in VILLAIN patients can feed the VILLAIN, so many times people think they are past it, in reality, it is still on their minds.  They are living with it to some degree. I could not believe this when I read it; this is my life he's talking about. It almost made me want to look around and see if hidden cameras were watching me; how could he know this about me? Although I have forgiven, there are not too many days that go by that I don't recall painful events in my life. The trauma I felt as a young adult being home with my little brother when he died, he was only 15. I think about that all the time. Not having my mom in my life for over 17 years now has been unbearable at times. This has been trauma at its worst. I would wonder all the time if I handled these events right. Even having confirmation from the Lord and leaders in my life, I still think about it and wonder if I could have done something different. During my 20s I went through another horrible trauma that I won't post details about, but it changed my life. I'm deaf in one ear because of a traumatic event in my life. I forgave my birth father for abandoning me, but I spent most of my life in anger and fear because of it.

There was a study done by Barb Anderson, a professor of psychology at Ohio State University. She observed 227 breast cancer patients for 11 years. They all had either stage 2 or 3 BC. They all had received conventional treatments. They were all told about nutrition (Anti Cancer recommendations) and about exercise, and they all learned how to avoid stress in their lives with simple yoga exercises. The results were remarkable. The women who practiced all they were taught and made lifestyle changes had a 56% lower mortality rate. Another study showed that 9 out of 10 women who had breast cancer (out of 4000 women interviewed) had some type of traumatic event happen in their lives. WOW .... that is huge to me. Mainly because when I look at the risk factors for breast cancer I had none of them. I have always been physically fit, an athlete, and I have eaten pretty well. I have always been able to control my portions. I am not obese; I didn't start my period before the age of 12. In fact, I didn't start until I was a junior in high school; these are all mentioned in the risk factors none of them apply to me. So I guess the question to myself is, how do I thoroughly purge myself of all the trauma I have experienced in my life so that I can live a stress-free life? Is it possible to do? It's time for me to stop thinking of this as if I am a superficial observer, looking on as if it were another little girl it happened to, and look at it for what it is or was...... FEAR has paralyzed me for too long.

I Am Blessed

 I Am Blessed

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm on autopilot, just doing the things that need to be done. I don't want to live that life anymore; it scares me. I want to move forward and be grateful for today; the hours and minutes are so precious; I hope I will always live them with dignity and respect for myself and others.
I have met some incredible people; most of them have contacted me through email. I'm always amazed when it happens because I write so much gibberish on this blog. I can't imagine that someone who doesn't know me would be interested in what I have to say. Heck, I can't imagine that anyone who does know me would either. These women are from other states and some even from other countries, all of us having one thing in typical the stinkin' breast VILLAIN. Recently I was contacted by a woman diagnosed just last week who is flying to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors at the Mayo Clinic. Through my blog, three women I have met have flown to see my Mayo Clinic doctors. 3 of the woman I have met this past year have flown to Arizona to meet with my team of Doctors. I am grateful for these women in my life; one of them moved here from New Jersey and does not have any family or close friends. 

When she was diagnosed, she searched doctors on google, and my blog came up. She is also using my same team of doctors. She will be undergoing a bi-lateral mastectomy on June 30th. I hope she falls in love with Dr. Kreymerman) like I did. Is it weird that I am looking forward to seeing him next month? My prayers and thoughts are with my new friend Jodi at this time. It's scary. The unknown can bring so much fear and anxiety to your life. People I have met this past year have helped me see life differently. I have never met; they don't know how they have touched my life with their faith and strength. A couple of them have passed away, and the VILLAIN took their life. I am still trying to process this and make sense of it. Life is strange how it changes so quickly; one day, you're upset with a child or your husband for something, and in just a moment, life changes, and those things now seem so silly or insignificant in the whole eternal scheme.

 I started this blog saying I feel like I'm on autopilot; what I mean by that is I've let myself become immune to life. I'm getting back into my routines and forgetting what is essential. I learned to wake up every morning happy to be alive, glad that I have a wonderful husband who has a job and takes great care of me. I am so pleased about my children, sisters who I love and adore, and extended family and friends who respect and love me. Please, please help me never to forget; I often plead with the Lord to help me never to forget.
How many people have a friend who would dedicate themselves to helping you fight the BC battle by taking you to every single chemotherapy treatment? I do. Tamy Scheurn took me most of the time. I love her so much that I don't think I can express this woman's compassion for other people. I want to be like that; I want to give back to so many who helped me when I was sick, those who continue to leave things like flowers, chips/salsa, treats, and books on my doorstep. I don't know most of them because they have taught their children to serve without getting recognition (doorbell ditchers). I LOVE IT !!!! Simply said, I AM BLESSED.

Givin' Up Sugar

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 17, 2010

Givin' Up Sugar

These are just a few of my favorite desserts with lots of sugar and white flour.......
lemon bars

german chocolate cake

my favorite Creme Brulee

homemade cookies

cannoli

brownies with nuts

coconut cream pie

I decided to cut out sugar and white flour from my diet. So since Monday, I have lost 8 pounds, I am amazed at the amount of sugar I eat, and until you cut it out, you don't realize it. I have not eaten anything with sugar, no salsa, no sauces, nothing with sugar... when you read some of the food labels you regularly buy, you may be surprised how many foods have sugar in them. So I am getting all my sugar naturally from fruit, which I also love.
The white flour has not been as big a problem for me, but I also have no cookies or cakes in the house; anyone who knows me knows I love to cook and bake. Usually, baking includes sugar and flour. I will not omit these entirely from my diet; I will allow myself one day a week to indulge. Probably Sundays will be the best since my family all come over for dinner, and I usually make a dessert. I don't promise to stick to this, but I am sure going to try. For the 1st couple of days, I had a significant headache, but it has passed now, and I feel so much better; my body feels stronger and detoxed.

Petit Mal Seizures

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 2010

Petit Mal Seizures

Kayla and Jeremy are living with us again, not that I'm complaining. I love especially waking up to Recker. Their house flooded last week. Hopefully, we can get the flooring back in this week so they can get home; I know they want to be in their own home.

Sunday night Recker was lying on my bed, and I was feeding him his bottle. He started to shake both of his arms; it scared me when I told Kayla about it; she said it had happened before. Yesterday she took him to the doctor was told her and Jeremy that Recker has petit mal seizures. He referred them to a pediatric neurologist. I researched these types of episodes on the Mayo Clinic website. Often, no underlying cause can be found for these seizures. Many children appear to have a genetic predisposition to them. Sometimes hyperventilation can trigger an attack.

In general, seizures are caused by abnormal nerve cell (neuron) activity in the brain. The brain's nerve cells usually communicate with each other by sending electrical and chemical signals across the synapses that connect the cells. In people who have seizures, the brain's usual electrical activity is altered. During a petit mal seizure, these electrical signals repeat themselves repeatedly in a three-second pattern.
Signs of petit mal seizures include:
Staring, without unusual movement
Lip-smacking
Fluttering eyelids
Chewing
Hand movements and

Small gestures of both arms

Redneck Mullet

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16, 2010

Redneck Mullet

This morning I woke up, looked in the mirror, and guess what? My hair was messed up and out of place; I could actually tell I had slept on it..... woo hoo ...... I'm doing the dance .... hands in the air ...... woo hoo ....... spinning around ...... yeah yeah ......
Until today, every morning, it was lying to one side looking like it did the night before, but today it is standing at attention like a soldier in the army, which means it's growing enough to show the morning hair look. I measured it today, and it's about 3/4 of an inch long. Still not long enough to style it the way I want to. Wait, who am I kidding? I won't be styling it for a while, but this is progress. I'm excited. Not even Mr. Hot Flash can upset me today. I wonder how long until I can call Kara? I saw Kara recently and asked her about that; she told me that the back of my hair will start to grow faster and longer than the front, and I will know when it's time. So when I start to get the mullet look, it's time. That won't be for a while, though, I never thought I would be looking forward to a redneck mullet, but I am. Haha!!!

Menopause and Mondays

MONDAY, JUNE 14, 2010

Menopause and Mondays

Being in menopause really, really stinks. Yesterday I was sitting in Church, and I started to sweat like a pig at a slaughterhouse; I looked around to see if anyone else was dripping water from their head ...... uh, nope, just me. I always thought I would look forward to menopause; my thinking was that I would not have to have that monthly visit from aunt Martha. So instead of her visiting every month for a few days, I get Mr. Hot Flash several times a day ...... what was I thinking? One of the side effects of menopause is weight gain. I have to watch what I eat; I lost so much weight during chemo but have now gained it back. Although Doctor Northfelt was happy about the weight gain, I am starting to get a little worried, so I am eating more of the Anti Cancer recommendations today. Every day, I have to remind myself that this is my new life; I need to embrace it and be happy about what I can do or eat rather than looking at what I can't. A few people asked me about giving up sugar; I will not give up sugar completely. Dr. Servan-Schreiber says it is ok to give yourself a treat once or twice a week; for me, Sundays are the day the whole family is together, so this is now my treat day. On the other days, fruit is going to be my new sugar.

During chemo, one of my teeth cracked in half, and I was not allowed to visit the dentist because it stirs up bacteria in my mouth and could make me even sicker (hard to imagine that). It has been almost 2 months since I first saw Dr. Goodman; he removed my tooth, took an impression, and sent it to the lab. The color of the temporary tooth did not match my other teeth at all, so I was anxious to get the permanent tooth back in. I have now had this tooth sent back to the lab 3 times. Finally, I went to the lab myself (Scottsdale), so they could do a custom color. Long story short, today is the day I get to revisit Dr. Goodman so he can take my tooth out again, send it to the lab, give me the temporary tooth, and hopefully, next week, I will have my permanent tooth. I love Dr. Goodman, but I think he likes to see me more than I want to go to the dentist's office. This is my menopause Monday.

LABELS: CANCER, DR. NORTHFELT, JOURNALING, MR. HOT FLASH