Negotiations with the Lord

MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2012

Negotiations With the Lord

When I was fourteen years old, I prayed to Heavenly Father, asking him to please get me out of the toxic environment I was living in, and I would promise to follow him and serve.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer to let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home, I asked again to let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple. She's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive and first diagnosed with breast cancer, she asked her husband Ray to give her a blessing. She told him that all she wanted was to live long enough to see her three boys go on missions. She went into remission for approximately 14 years. When Kurt, her youngest boy, came home from his mission, her cancer returned, and within a few months, she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer and 3 years since my first negotiations started. I have a feeling negotiations are going to end. I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon. I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means it's on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year and start 2013. I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday, January 04, with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago, and he said things look good. I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them. I also have some tests on the calendar, and my family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me and has for years. It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and she chose not to soften her heart. Now, I appreciate the Holidays, and I love the spirit it brings into my heart. 3 years ago, my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body. I don't think I had given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family were going through then.

 I often talk to the caregivers where I volunteer. One common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, constantly feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be mad with or why they are angry. Recently I received an email from one of our patient's caregivers. She wanted to see if it was "normal" to feel her anger after losing her friend. She wanted to know what she could have done to better serve her friend. When you are struck with a cancer diagnosis, there is no NORMAL to life. I have learned from volunteering that people going through this journey often differ entirely from their caregivers. I'm so grateful I can volunteer. Many people have said to me, "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people, I always smile and say, "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering than I would have ever learned. I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could have ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question, "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been that we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises, and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us. Still, life happens, and all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't, but I do believe, at least for me, I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there. However, the experience has softened my heart and helped me be more compassionate, and if you know me well, you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13, I detest--

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It's a Wonderful Life

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2012

It's a wonderful life

Unbelievably I have never seen the movie "It's a wonderful life" my sister Sonya has always watched it every year and encouraged me to do the same, but until this year I never took her up on that challenge. We went to the Cinemark movie theater in Tempe as a family to watch it on the big screen. WOW, what a fantastic old movie. Even in black and white, I was mesmerized by the story and genuinely enjoyed it.

Sometimes, we all get down on ourselves and forget to recognize the good we do. Even trivial things can change a life. I have often thought, "What if, and should I have done this differently, or why did I do that?" I have not always believed that people come into our lives for a reason or that some of the trials or even joys we have in our lives are meant to be. They just happen. I no longer believe this to be true. Of course, we have the agency to choose good or bad choices, but they always come with a consequence. Agency is never FREE.  I have a feeling if any of us were to be in the same position as George (It's a wonderful Life) and allowed to see what the world would have been like if we were never born, we would all be surprised at the things we do daily that has changed someone's life. Not only to our families and ourselves but to the everyday person we pass on the street or see in the store.  A smile or a simple "hello, can I help you" would and could change a life.

On Christmas Eve, we had all of our children and their families over for dinner. The only instructions I gave them were to be prepared to share a story of Christmas or one of their most memorable Christmas. I opened by reading "The Christmas Train" by Thomas S. Monson. Then I shared a few of my favorite Christmas memories, one being remembered as a child.  My mother gave me a white Holy Bible with my name inscribed on the front. I thought I was never going to stop smiling. I still have that Bible. Another story I told was about when Eric and I were dating. His mom bought me a gift, but miss placed it. She searched and searched and felt so badly thinking she had thrown it out with the garbage by accident.  I never cared about that gift, but I did care about that fact that I knew she loved me, she always showed me love and genuine compassion, to me that alone was worth more than anything she could of bought from a store.  The last story I told was when Blake was on his mission, that very 1st Christmas, I was going through my chemo treatments, oh how I missed him and honestly was not feeling well, not knowing if I would ever see him again made my heart hurt, but hearing his voice on Christmas day I think was the best Christmas gift I have ever been given.

Haleigh, my youngest daughter just got engaged a few days before Christmas to Scott Bigalow.  He told a story about his father dying when he was only 8 years old, before that time his dad was always the one who provided the mountain bikes and fun gifts for the boys, but the year he died was Christmas he said he would never forget.  They had no money and I'm sure his mom was  worried about how she would pay for food and utilities, in other words Christmas gifts were probably not on the top of the list of things to do.  One night his family was home and they heard noises outside, they all ran to see what was going on, it was Brad Wardrop hanging Christmas lights on their home.  He was a neighbor and close friend of the family. As tears ran down Scott's face I wondered if Brad even knew what an impact he had made on this kid.

Blake told stories from his mission, tears filled his eyes when he talked about those two Christmas's away from his home, but one, in particular, that really left a lasting impression on him. He said it was a Christmas he will never forget, the best Christmas he has ever had and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the gifts he received , in particular,but more about the service he was able to give.

My son-in-law Bria rarely cries in 4 years, Kaitlyn said she has only cried once when his grandmother passed away.  I was impressed with his ability to see past all of the "fun" in Christmas. The 1st words out of his mouth were, "my heart hurts tonight for all of the mothers and fathers who will have a hard time going to sleep not knowing how they will provide a memorable Christmas for their children" I immediately put a blanket over my face as not to look at him while he cried. He could hardly speak, and I was weeping underneath my blanket. Quietly saying a prayer, one for all those families, and two telling Heavenly Father thank you for my family, we are truly blessed. I am blessed to have such a wonderful son in laws and a beautiful daughter-in-law who also lost her mother in December of 2009.

They all shared stories and thoughts, by the end of the night there were no dry eyes, we made a family goal for 2013, we said a family prayer, and ate cheesecake.

I truly do have a wonderful life.

Where was God?

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2012

Where was God?

As our country is mourning the loss of twenty kindergarten children who were so tragically gunned downed and killed in their classroom, the question has come up "Where was God?" One of the most ignorant things I think I have ever heard came out of the mouth of Bryan Fischer from the American Family Association:

"Where was God when all this went down? Here's the bottom line: God is not gonna go where he is not wanted school... We've kicked God out of our public school system, and I think God would say, "Hey, I'll be glad to protect your children, but you've gotta invite me back into your world first; I'm not gonna go where I'm not wanted, I'm a gentleman."

This quote broke my heart to hear. I. believe God has never left me behind during any tragedy I have been through, and he did not leave that school because a mad young man chose to take the lives of innocent children. We are here on earth to prove ourselves worthy of living with him again, we were all given agency to choose right from wrong when we came to this earth to live. If that agency were taken away every time a tragedy was about to happen, there would be no growth or learning on our part. There would be no progression. LIVE, LEARN, AND GROW

Yes, I believe in miracles, and they happen every day, and yes, I believe our Heavenly Father can prevent tragedies. More than likely, He has done this more times than we know. However, to comment that God is too much of a gentleman to prevent those children from being killed is ignorant.  God is not a proud man; he is meek and humble. Sadly, some Americans have decided to take God out of our school system, but those are just words removed from an allegiance we made as a country. No one can take God out of our hearts. We feel and know of his love for us, all his children, he will never leave us.  These should be taught in our homes, not in a school.

O-r-a-n-g-e

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2012

O-r-a-n-g-e

I never thought the word Orange would have an impact on me.  My
grandson, Recker, is autistic. Today is his third birthday. He is non-verbal-yet I enjoy every second I have with him. There Sometimes there are times he takes me by the hand, leads me into a room, and expects me to know what he wants. Sometimes I'm smart enough to figure out he wants a cookie or sucker (and of course, I give it to him)Shhh don't tell Kayla. Other times, I am clueless and feel helpless when I can't help him.

Kayla was able to enroll Recker in a preschool; he started a couple of weeks ago. The first day was rough on mom and Recker. Tears filled my eyes as she relived the moment. Tears, she dropped him off; the fear and terror on his face must have been difficult for her to leave him. Those couple of weeks have proven to be one of the most important decisions of her and Jeremy's life. Recker now knows how to point to what he needs. He brought an orange to Kayla, and she pointed to it and said the word "orange" then the most wonderful word I have ever heard out of a child's mouth came to the word "o r a n g e" we shouted for joy and cried all at the same time--he did it, he finally said his first word, and we got it on video.

Every day is a perfect day with Recker, but this day was even more special.

Learning how to rip open a gift

John Deere Trucks from Aunt Kaitlyn and Uncle Brian
all boy's dream

Dinner at Spinatos, Cannoli for the Birthday Boy

And what's a Cannoli without
Lightening McQueen?

Three years ago, when Recker was born. I never imagined what happiness this little guy could bring to my life. He makes me want to be a better wife, mother, and friend.  He is most definitely my motivation in life to take another step forward.

What is your love language, Viola

 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2012

What is your Love Language? Viola.

Besides, one other time while I was going through my chemo treatments, I felt the spirit of Eric's mom as strongly as I did last night when I attended the Temple. My favorite woman of all time was sitting in the chair, smiling so big from ear to ear. She looked me in the eyes and nodded as if to say with those big blue eyes piercing my soul, "I love you; you will make the right decisions. I'm here for you" I looked back after slowly walking by, not wanting this moment to end, and she was gone. It was just another cute lady sitting there greeting people.

Dang it, I miss her. Without a doubt, when I pass through the veil to the other side (hopefully Heaven since I know that is where she is), Vi will be the first to embrace me, next to her eternal companion, my father-in-law Ray Williams--I love them so dearly and have often had to humble myself knowing I would never want to disappoint them.

I had another incredible spiritual experience last night as I attended the Temple, one which I will have to record in another journal that is not so public. I'm grateful for the knowledge that Families can live together forever, Eternity, together.

Another realization came this week when I had lunch with a friend. It was mentioned to me that we all "love differently" I have never thought about it the way it was so humbly explained. Each of us. We are taught to love as the Savior did unconditionally, right? There has only been one person in my life I have ever met who has been able to successfully do this, Viola Williams. I have never heard a sore word about another come out of her mouth. She was constantly serving others as the Savior did. In the end, she died of breast cancer. Leaving a legacy of complete understanding of our Saviors plan for her family to carry on. We all love differently. Think about the people around you, in your family, church, and workout groups; are they all the same? No, we all show our love differently; some are comfortable hugging and saying "I Love You" (that is me), some may care and love for you but not want to be touched or hugged, some show love by giving gifts, some by words of affirmation and appreciation, some want to hold on to their children and never let them experience the circle of life (this would be Eric)  At the end of the day when we all understand how we love it is so much easier to accept and truly love the ones around us, just as the Savior did. 

Christmas 2011

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2011

Christmas 2011

Is there anything better than children at Christmas? I have so enjoyed Recker this year. He has the cutest personality and a smile that will warm any heart. Recker has picked at our Christmas tree and decorations until they look scarce in some spots, and I love it. He brings a special spirit into our home.

Sometimes I wish I could just jump inside his little brain and see what he is thinking. Autism, though sad in many ways, can also be remarkably interesting. I've noticed that Recker is trying so hard to communicate with us; he knows a couple of words in sign. Kayla and Jeremy have taken him off gluten and dairy, which affects his moods and behavior. In my kitchen, I have a candy jar with gluten-free suckers. We often walk into the kitchen to find him staring up at the pot, signing the word "PLEASE" how cute he is. He loves to watch Disney movies, and sometimes Recker will start laughing so hard we can't help but repeatedly rewind to capture those moments. If there was only one wish I could have for this new year, it would be to hear my darling grandson talk, just say, mom or dad. Those are easy, right? I love to watch him as he plays alone. He babbles in a language only he understands. Recently I was playing with him in my bedroom and needed to go downstairs for something as soon as I walked out of the room, he ran after me and grabbed my hand a then brought me back into the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears, he is trying so hard to communicate.

Recker loves cardboard boxes and loves to play in them and on them. I bought him a cardboard castle, Haleigh Brownlee and I painted and decorated it (mostly Haleigh, she is the talented artist) Recker loved it; we also bought him a little motorcycle. He had a BIG smile on his face as it raced across the wood floors in my home. This has been a wonderful Christmas season with our family.

Dr. David Servan Schreiber Dies

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2011

Dr. David Servan Schreiber Dies

Today I was searching on the Internet for some cancer information, trying to find another book written by Dr. David Servan Schreiber. He wrote ANTI-CANCER, a book I read shortly after getting out of radiation therapy research found that he had passed away in July 2011. Just a few months ago, my heart hurt when I read this. His book has helped me to give up sugars, flours, and preservatives for the past year and a half. I learned from him to live with NO REGRETS; this has been Eric and my theme for the past couple of years. He lived much longer than he should have because he changed his way of eating, exercising, and environmental thinking.
 This is the article I read about him:
Obituary: Dr. David Servan-Schreiber Empowered Cancer Patients

Dr. David Servan-Schreiber, awarded an honorary doctorate in humane letters at Carnegie Mellon’s commencement this past May, died of brain cancer on Sunday, July 24. He was 50.

Servan-Schreiber’s career spanned two continents as a professor and physician in Pittsburgh and Paris. After completing two medical degrees, Servan-Schreiber earned a Ph.D. in cognitive neuroscience at CMU under the guidance of Jay McClelland and Nobel Laureate Herbert Simon.

Servan-Schreiber’s distinguished career touched many Pittsburgh institutions, including senior leadership posts at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, where he co-founded the Center for Integrative Medicine, and academic appointments at the University of Pittsburgh and CMU. He published more than 90 scientific monographs and lectured at leading international educational centers.


One of the seven co-founders of the Nobel Peace Prize-winning Doctors Without Borders U.S., Servan-Schreiber, served in Iraq, Guatemala, India, Tajikistan, and Kosovo, addressing epidemics among refugees. He served as a member of the organization’s board for nine years.


In 1992, at age 31, Servan-Schreiber discovered a tumor in his own brain while conducting brain-imaging research. He was diagnosed with brain cancer and given six months to live. Confronting his illness and marshaling his own will to live, he embarked upon a 16-year journey fighting and seeking to understand his condition, culminating in his 2008 international bestseller,” “Anticancer: A New Way of Life”” The book and his international lectures have empowered cancer patients and survivors with knowledge and tools to combat the disease.


Servan-Schreiber is the eldest son of the world-renowned Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber, the late politician, publisher, and co-founder of the French newspaper’Express. Jean-Jacques Servan-Schreiber was a distinguished lecturer at CMU during the years that his four sons, David, Franklin E’866, HSS’899), Emile S’855, HSS’899’ 911). Edouard S’888) were students at the university  Je n-Jacques Servan-Schreiber who worked closely with Raj Reddy, CMU’ss Mozah Bint Nasser University Professor, as founder and president of the World Center for Informatics and Human Resources.


The funeral will be held in Paris on Thursday, July 28.

After he was told in 2010 that another brain tumor had been found — he called it” “the Big On”” — Dr. Servan-Schreiber wrote the third book,” “We Can Tell Each Other Goodbye Several Times”” with Ursula Gauthier, a journalist  Ma y viewed it as a final testament.” “Death is part of the life process; everyone goes through it”” he said in one of his last interviews ““It is very reassuring in itself””

Happiness is a Choice

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2011

Happiness is a CHOICE

Have you ever heard someone say, "he/she just doesn't make me happy anymore"? I have recently. It's made me think about what makes people happy. I'm so happy when Recker smiles big with his teeth showing. I love that; I'm so glad when my house is clean or when my husband gets home from a grueling day at work but still finds time to come into the kitchen and hug me (I love hugs). I was overwhelmingly happy to see Blake after two years when he got home from the Dominican Republic. There are so many people and things that make me happy-for, sure, too many to name, but is it an accumulation of all those things that truly bring happiness? I have to say I have been disappointed by others and allowed other people's choices to affect my life negatively--what a shame and a waste of precious time.

True lasting happiness comes from within us. No one else can give that to you; like others, I had to learn the hard way. When I discovered breast cancer, it was like a huge maillot hit me. I finally had clarity. It was time to clean house, so to speak-- I needed to do some maintenance work on myself and find out what really matters, then get rid of the rest--  For me, my happiness now comes from a deeper place in my heart, I'm OK with the choices of other people, and although they can make me sad it does not affect my eternal happiness because I know who I am, I know where I came from. I know where I want to be. Seriously? It's taken me 48 years to figure this stuff out. I have never, ever said I was a good student. HaHa.

Oopsie Daisy

 

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2011

Oopsie Daisey.

I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks--oopsie, daisy. Honestly, my life has been incredibly busy. I am working four days a week now. Lots of flights are being canceled this time of year because of weather back East--when I talk to those stranded people, I feel bad for them--but grateful that I was born and raised in Arizona--I endure the summer heat for a few months so I can love, love, love the winters here. I also have been spending a bunch of time at the Mayo Clinic in physical therapy a couple times a week with Pauline. Tomorrow I will go to the Mayo Hospital directly after work to see Dr. Freeman. He will bring his syringe full of pain meds to be injected into my right hip and lower back. Can you say ouch? Hopefully, this will help with the pain and allow me to walk without a limp.
(the above was written yesterday)
 I drove to Mayo Clinic Hospital today, not really knowing what to expect. As I walked through the doors, chemo and hospital smell reeked. I sat in the waiting area across a man with an oxygen tank, he looked miserable, and things were about to get worse as he ran out of oxygen--his wife was yelling hysterically, and the nurses were scattering to get him a new tank. Poor Mr. Brown, I know his name because they repeatedly repeated it to get his attention. I thought he was going to die. Behind me, a woman was on the phone relaying a message to her family that someone had just passed away and they needed to get to the hospital. To the left of me is a lady having an anxiety attack; by now, my mind is thinking, "concentrate, Monya, don't pay attention to what is going on around you" I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and sing a song to drown out all that was going on around me. The phone rang. It was Eric checking in on me, boy, was I happy to hear his voice. Finally, they sent me up to the fifth-floor pain clinic. On the elevator, we made a couple of stops, the woman who had a death in the family was on the elevator with me. She was crying.

I wanted to hug her but felt like I needed to respect her boundaries. We stopped on the 2nd floor, and the Mayo Pastor got on the elevator. I noticed she was carrying a Bible and book labeled How to prepare for death. Whoa, today I'm getting a reality check. Mayo has a way of doing that to me. She only went up one floor, and I noticed she was on the patient's bed, visiting a family--I was sad about that. We continued to the fifth floor, the lady with the tears went left, and I went right--just like those people were gone, they have no idea what an impression they left on me, and I will never see them again.
I approached the pain clinic check-in, and they handed me a stack of papers. What else could they need from me? They know everything there
is to know. They've taken my boobs, hair, uterus, and hundreds of hours of my time. I will be waiting for an hour today. Instead of anxiety meds, I will read my scriptures while I wait. It worked. After an hour and a half of scripture study, they called me back for the procedure. I really like Dr. Freeman. The procedure was not as bad as I had anticipated, but let's face it, no one wants to be poked and prodded with needles. I decided as I sat in the recovery room that for today, just today, I am tired of PROCEDURES, NEEDLES, INJECTIONS, & MAYO. Even as I type that out, I feel guilty for feeling that way. I have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed to have Dr. Freeman on my team of doctors, especially when so many people are struggling today at Mayo.

Thanksgiving 2011

 

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

I love this little guy with all my heart. Happy Thanksgiving Recker

Today I'm thankful for so many things, mostly family. I have been blessed with an incredible family I love so much. I woke up this morning with a Turkey smell throughout the house. We have a tradition of putting the turkey in the oven the night before because we eat around noon on Thanksgiving. I made chocolate, coconut, banana, pumpkin pies, mashed potatoes, gravy, and two Jello salads. Raylani's family came over. They are so good at pitching in and bringing food. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday; I love the fall weather and the feeling I get when I'm with family. This year Blake was here with us; I honestly never thought this day would come; I have missed him so much. Two days ago, I had to meet him in the Walmart parking lot to trade cars with him. When I pulled into the parking lot and saw him sitting in the car waiting for me, I smiled and told him how grateful I was that he was home with us. It is seriously a luxury to have all my children in town and be able to hug and love them every day. I hope I never take that for granted. Family is the most important part of my life.

What is normal?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2011

What is Normal?

I was having a conversation with my son Blake-- I asked him how he was doing and if he felt like he was adjusting to being back home. He replied, "Mom, I feel like I'm returning to normal again." I asked him, "What is normal, son?" Then we had a lengthy conversation about being normal.  

My thoughts are still on that conversation. I told Blake that our normal should continually be changing. One and a half years ago, my regular life was different than it is now. I was worried about my children making good choices. I was getting up early and going to work, making dinner every night, cleaning the house, and training for a marathon. Then Blake surprised us by deciding on a mission, Kaitlyn got engaged, Kayla was pregnant with our first grandchild, and I found out I had breast cancer--WOW, did my routine change in a heartbeat!! Everything I thought was "NORMAL" was put on the back burner--now my normal is how can I do this? Every thought that occupied my thoughts was -- worrying about Blake, worrying about the wedding, worrying about Kayla and Jeremy having a baby in the middle of all this, and Haleigh having her senior year of HighSchool with her mom going through cancer. And Eric, my sweet husband, having to see me through hell, how could I ever allow him to see my mangled body again? How could I let him see me bald and sick? And more important than all, I worried he would worry too much about me... I needed everything to just go back to "normal" Soon, my usual became trips to Mayo Clinic. Missing my son terribly and worried that he would be strong enough to make it 2 years without his family. I constantly worried about Haleigh and Eric. Throwing up, losing weight, taking drugs, and seeing oncologists were now my standard. Soon my usual became kneeling and praying morning, day, and night, begging and pleading with the Lord to help me understand this new normal I was experiencing. Educating myself about breast cancer was something I never thought I would be doing,  especially not for myself, and now it was another normal for me.

The point of all this is that our "normal's" change constantly in our Iives. was not prepared for my "normal" to change, but it taught me to understand that I am not in charge. I learned to appreciate change, figure out who I am and what I consider to be the most important, and live life to the fullest everyday living as if it were my last because things change constantly, and without change, we don't progress and grow.
One of the most important lessons I have learned during this journey called LIFE is the Lord is in control. He knows the beginning, middle, and end. He loves me, and that when I listen for answers, they always come, maybe not today or tomorrow, but they always come.