Sonya & Kris

Frenchie, Uncle Mike, and I had a great time in Mexico. He got a little sick, not the throwing up sick, but his muscles were hurting him, and he was fatigued. He loved Mexico and said over and over again, "I can see why Eric loves it here; it's beautiful."

I love spending time with him and have learned more about my Belshe family than I ever wanted to know. I found out the Belshe family is filled with family members who have had cancer, strokes, and autoimmune diseases. I guess that answered a lot of my questions about my health. I have had all of those things happen to me, cancer, mini-stroke, and horrible autoimmune diseases. Uncle Mike also told me that there are many Belshes who suffer from mental illness. Some won't admit it because they don't want to sound weak. Now, this one I don't understand, and not because I don't have mental issues but because the Belshe family wants everyone to think they are superior to the rest of us and mental illness would never be "their" problem.

Oh well, it's a learning curb for me hearing all of this stuff. I had to pull it out of Uncle Mike. He doesn't talk about people and doesn't want me to think anything different about his siblings. No doubt Sonya and Kris have mental issues. I guess I have to give them a break since mental illness is passed down from generation. 

Eric, I still cannot forgive my sisters for not contacting me after you passed away. I can't get over how many times you pulled them out of financial situations without asking for anything back from them, and they can't send a text saying, "Sorry to hear about Eric." I have let so much of their crap bother me over the years, but I am done, for sure, with both of them. They remind me of my mother; if they act like it didn't happen, then they don't have to do something about it. Sonya and Greg were more worried about their reputation or Justen's repetition as a surgeon than they were about how Haleigh was doing or the facts. The fact is Justen told you and I in Bishop Greer's office that he sexually molested Haleigh. The details he told us made me sick. How could Kris and Sonya think what he did was ok? They don't, but admitting what he did shows weakness on their side, and how could they ever admit weakness? It leads me to wonder if they were ever molested by Gary. Sonya said he touched her boobs one time, and Kris has never discussed it, only to say she was molested too. I protected Kris by making sure I was the one who slept in Gary's bed so Kris wouldn't have to. I understand now why they were adamant about knowing what happened to me. 

I'm happy I didn't share that with them. You are the ONLY person I have ever admitted to what happened to me. I'm not sure why I told you about that when we were in Hawaii, mostly because I knew you wanted to know everything. I kept some of that secret for so long because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. Thank you for letting me share those intimate, disgusting details with you and not judging me. I love that I could finally share all of that with you after all these years. You held me, said you were sorry this happened to me, and wished you could have protected me. I love you even more for understanding and sympathizing with the situation I was forced into. I don't regret not telling you. My therapist thought it would be best that I didn't because it was not going to help you forgive my parents. It would only push you to the edge of wanting to kill Gary. 

I love you and miss you so much. I wish grieving wives could have one time when the veil is lifted, and we could see what our husbands are doing all day. I remember telling you about the experience I had with your mom and dad when I was resuscitated during surgery. I don't think you believed me, but now you know. Heaven is beautiful, and everything we have been taught about our life after death is true. Knowing you are doing good things with your mom, I have made peace with you leaving me. I can see now how Heavenly Father was preparing me for your death. I have had many dreams where I am with your mom, and you asked me one time after I had a dream, "Why don't I ever dream?" I now know exactly where you are, but not sure what you are doing. Now, you are living in the world I want to live in. No judgment, no comparisons, and a lot of love and serenity. Enjoy my love.

I am looking forward to the CHOSEN starting in September. For some reason, watching the new season will bond me even closer to you. XOXO

Uncle Mike

Frenchie, Uncle Mike came and visited me. I picked him up at the airport, and he looks really good. I wish he wasn't so hard on himself. He thinks he is going to Hell ... literally. When I asked him why he would say that to me, he said there was a bishop who came to their house and told them they were going to Hell because Aunt Ann was not baptized and that they did not get married in the Temple. I was so sad to hear him tell me that story. This is one of the reasons so many people talk bad about the LDS religion. Why in the hell would anyone say that to someone? I'm pretty sure you know more than I do now, but I do not believe the Heavenly Father I know would be ok with anyone telling him that, especially a bishop.

I love Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann. I'm so glad I've made a connection with them. I had no idea Uncle Mike was ten years younger than my dad. He told me he was as bad as Colby. I told him I didn't believe that and knew he never went to jail. He has this terrible self-image.  Because he married Jane young, they had two girls, and Jane talked horribly about Mike; those girls don't speak to him. It is unfortunate. He has a lot of shame because of it but makes no excuses; he lives with the agony of having daughters in Arizona who do not want anything to do with him, but he is not like Colby except for the kind heart that they both have. Those boys were so misunderstood. I wish things could have been different with my dad. I wanted to have him in my life, but I needed to understand where he was as a teenager. I have abandonment issues because of Colby. Well, not only him; my mom walked away from me when I needed her most. 

Uncle Mike and I are driving to Mexico tomorrow; he has an appointment with a dentist. Remember him telling us about his teeth going bad after he started taking heart medication? He's getting old, Eric. I will miss him so much when he passes on to your world. He asked me if I would put his Temple clothes on him when he dies. I told him I would be honored to do that for him. Then he told me he wanted to be cremated; I'm not sure if the "Church" would approve, but you know me ... I don't care, and I am not going to ask if he can be burned with his temple clothing on. This was a very uncomfortable conversation, and I hoped and prayed he would not ask me if it was okay with the church; he didn't. 

He was sleeping on the sofa; he didn't want to go upstairs and share a bathroom with me. I hope he thinks the couch is as comfortable as I told him. 

I love you so much. I'm not sure how I got so blessed to be married to you. Thank you for understanding my crazy, messed-up life. You didn't know what you were getting into when we married, but I could not and would not want to do it with anyone else. I have to go to bed. I'm going to your happy place tomorrow.

I Bought a House

Frenchie, have you been listening to me? I needed your opinion on moving, one of the things I miss the most about you is our sincere talks. I know you better than anyone on Earth, and I know you stood before your Heavenly Father with great pride. 

So I wanted to talk to you tonight; I need to decide about moving. I met the children at Reserve at Red Rock so they could see my interest in the home. Surprisingly, they all loved that I was considering moving to where you sold homes. Terry walked me through several specs. I thought I was set on one until I was told the house would be done in October. I am not emotionally ready to do that yet. Would you be if I was gone? You

would have stayed in this house, even if it's because you would never want to clean it out. Today, when I was at Red Rock, I told Terry I could not move that quickly, and he said he understood. He really has been so kind to check up on me. I saw the lot you saved for the lady whose husband passed away. He was a pastor, and they lived on a ranch, but she could not sell her house. I asked Terry about the lot and if I could build something new. He asked Jeff, and he approved it. Today, I wrote a check for $100,000, which was weird. I've always had to make decisions like this with you. I can't count how many times I asked Terry, "What would Eric do?" 

I bought a house, WHAT? I love that the neighbors all know you and love you. Terry and I went to Vito's house to visit him and his wife. He is something else. When I came into the house, he tried to kiss me on the lips. I knew it was just the Italian in him, and Joanna didn't seem to mind. It's who he is. Remember when we went to dinner with them? He was quite a hoot, and the stories he told were funny. I think about that night and can see you laughing so hard. You winked at me when he tried to kiss me that night. I was a little grossed out until you explained Vito to me. Vito said, "I loved Eric. Do you know what he always said when he saw me?" I said, "No, but I'm sure you are about ready to tell me." With a big smile, he said, "Eric always said, when I grow up, I want to be like Vito."

You Are A Man of God

Hey Frenchie, I've been deciding whether to stay or stay in this house we built together. Blake showed me a house this week in Gilbert. A smaller home sounds much better than this BIG house and yard.  It's such a hard decision; we built this house as we wanted. We built this house around the pantry. Remember how adamant I was about having a big pantry? You made sure I had the pantry of my dreams. Thank you for loving me that much... lol.

I received a phone call from Lori Blandford telling me that Jeff was offering to sell me any of his specs for his cost. My initial reaction was to tell her no, I'm not ready for that yet. This is my worst nightmare. It goes to show me that I never know exactly what is going to happen next. I miss you very much. My heart is still broken. 

I cry myself to sleep every night and hold your pillow close. You are the last person on earth I could imagine dying. Mainly because you were bigger than life and loved life. I want you to know I forgive you for things I brought up to you often about our past. I appreciate that you apologized to me the night before you died, but why? Did you know you were going to die? When I look back at the last month before you passed, there are too many things you said or did that make me believe you knew this was coming. Not too many people get a second chance at life. You did and made up for so many years that I knew you felt disconnected from our children. You made that all right with them; each loves you so much.

I wish you were sitting next to me on our bed. I know you loved when I wrote in this blog. I really wish you had left more of your life experiences with the kids. You really didn't like to write things down. Lol, but I would give anything to have your journals. I read from your missionary journal that you only wrote for the first six months. What happened? I remember things you told me about your mission, but you didn't talk much about it. Did you think any of us would be disappointed in you? I hope you never felt that because the man I started dating over forty years ago was a man of God. I loved how humble you were. I saw that side of you again in the past year and a half. Heavenly Father is so happy with you. We all make mistakes, but the Atonement covers all of them. Every day, I am grateful that I married you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Save me a place. I cannot wait to see you again. I long for your fantastic hugs.

To Move or Not to Move

 Dear Frenchie,

Today, I went to see the model home again. I don't know how Terry could stand looking into your office without crying. Justin has your office now; I couldn't bring myself to go in there.

Last week, when I was praying, I wondered if you could hear my prayers where you are. I need to start considering moving; the maintenance on this house is so much work. Blake showed me a cute home in Gilbert near the Groves. I asked Heavenly Father what Eric would do when I knelt to pray that night. What would Eric want me to do? I kissed you good night, hugged you, said I love you, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a Text from Lori Blandford. She said Jeff offered me any specs he had at his price. Of course, my limited thinking said no right away; I told her all of the specs were too far from our children and grandchildren. Then Kayla and the boys came by to visit. She's been helping me so much to organize some of your things. We are good, Eric, Kayla, and I respect and love one another's perspectives. She is our sweet little firstborn, and she still is. We talked, and I told her Jeff's offer; she said, "Mom, move to The Reserve at Red Rock." Can you imagine me in the desert with rattlesnakes? She continued, "It's what dad has always wanted; you should consider it."

Last Saturday, I ran out to Red Rock and visited with Terry. He misses you a lot. He said he had to work three months in a row with no days off, and it about killed him. Jeff wanted to do all the paperwork when and if I liked any of the specs. I had to tell Terry, so he took me to the specs he thought I would like. Of course I love them, all model homes are perfect. But I was ok with the house Blake offered me. It was built in the 80s, but I could live there; you know how much I love that Groves area. And it is still close to the kids. But when I saw the price of the home, Terry showed me I was interested in the price difference. By far, Jeff gave me the best deal; even Terry was surprised. I told him I needed to talk to the kids and get their opinion on moving so far. I left them all a group text telling them I was going to Reserve at Red Rock, and they were welcome to come and help me make decisions.

Kaitlyn and Kayla met me first. Blake's family came a little later. They looked at the two specs I wanted to choose from, and they all gave the same opinion, but it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't believe they all agreed to let me buy out there. I have been so torn, not knowing what to do. I need your help.

I went to the models again today, and Jori and Dwight picked me up. Terry's probably getting tired of me already. We first looked at the spec the kids liked, then went to the spec I was proposing, lot #150. I could hear the girls talking, and they thought spec #72 was their choice. I was so grateful for their opinions and surprised they were okay with me leaving our home. I'm not ok with leaving our home quite yet, but Blake assured me they all think it would be good for me and that the home he showed me is a house from the 80s, and Jeff is offering me a brand new home for less than a home built in the '80s.

Dwight and Jori loved the view from the model you sat in. Then I asked about a new build on the lot next to the models, and that view brought me to tears. I could see you sitting out there, taking in the beautiful view of the Red Rock. I could feel you with me. I asked Terry about the new build, and he said it wouldn't be ready until March or April. That was a relief to me. I'm not ready to leave our home, the home we built together all those years ago. The children were so young. Haleigh was only eighteen months old. I don't know how often I asked Terry, "What would Eric want me to do?" He said, "Eric would want that lot you picked; the view is spectacular, and I know he would want you to be happy."

I spoke with Ronny to see if he thought I could afford it. He told me, "Buying cash for that house is a no-brainer." I'm just waiting on a price from Jeff. I hope I'm not taking advantage of his offer to want the new home instead of a spec.

I love you so much. My heart hurts all the time. I doubt I will ever get to a place in the last chapter of my life where I don't cry a tear thinking of everything we have done together. It's just not supposed to be like this. I told you I'd never get re-married, and I won't—not because I think you wouldn't want me to, but because I could never find a man like you in my lifetime. We really had a beautiful love story; no one will ever be able to fill your shoes, babe.

I love you. See you soon.

Monya

Be Still My Soul

Dear Frenchie;

This has been a difficult week without you. We typically plan a summer trip to Paris, but who knows where we'd would go? IIt was always an adventure with you by my side. 'm not sure I can ever go back to Porte Jaune without you, my life is completely turned around right now and I continue to be triggered by the trauma of losing you.

Kayla has been coming over and helping me with going through your boxes upon boxes of 'stuff' that's all it is to me is just stuff without you nothing seems important to me, materially it is not the same without you. Blake's family is in California, making memories as a family. Haleigh and Scott have been gone all summer, I'm not sure when they will come home yet. I have been able to facetime with little Sena and Ellis. I can't begin to explain how important that was and I truly love her for thinking of me. Kaitlyn & Brian have been in Utah for a month or so. I sure miss them too, I tried to facetime with them but Kaitlyn never responded. She is working hard on her new job. I'm grateful she can be on vacation and work remotely. I think they came home yesterday.

When I was praying the other night I asked Heavenly Father help me make a decision about moving from this BIG house to a smaller one. Blake has been looking for me, he showed me house  he is remodeling by Lindsay and Elliott over by the Groves, you know I love the Groves. I went to look at it and it's the right size but the yard has a pool, and is bigger than I want. Luckily I have plenty of time to make those decisions. The next day after that prayer the Blandfords contacted me to say they would help me by allowing me to buy a spec home at cost. This is cheaper for a brand new house than the one Blake was showing me that was built in the 1980's.

I went to Reserve at Red Rock and found a lot I really liked. It was peaceful and quiet. Of course I am scared to death of the rattle snakes. Is this where you want me to be? Everyone in that neighborhood loves you, and I can't believe how many homes you sold.

Terry helped me walk through a couple of specs, I could feel your spirit there. You are so loved by so many of your clients ...? Is that what you call them? I spent some time with Sara and Isaiah and Saint. He is so cute and almost two next month. Sara is wanting to potty train Saint. Remember me doing that will all of our children? It seems like yesterday. Now they are potty training their own children. 

I'm waiting for the children to return from vacations so I can get their opinion. I will be sad to leave this home we have created for our family, but the upkeep and maintenance is going to kill me. I know you have always wanted to live out there in the dessert surrounded by cacti and rattle snakes. That part scares me, the walking trail is just behind lot 150 the spec I'm looking at. I thought it would be too far away from the children, but I rarely see or talk with them. Remember when Dad and Betty would get upset with us if we didn't talk constantly? I just know I should have never judged them because now as a grandmother of ten, I want to hear from them I want them to help me clear out this house but I'm afraid of getting rid of anything of yours.

Today in church I studied during the sacrament about covenants. I'm trying to keep the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father and you when we married for eternity. I will always love you with all my heart and cannot wait to see what eternity together is. I think of you 24/7 and think "What would Eric do.?" I cry daily remembering so much of our memories together, and the future memories we wanted to make with our children and grandchildren

I also looked at couples headstones together, you know I will be on top of you physically but with you in spirit when I die and I cannot wait for that day. In my bad humor I thought, "Well dad will be happy I'm on top." ha ha. But for now I will wait my time when the Lord wants me to come home, I just wish it was me first. I think the children would have liked more time with you. I love you so much, Kayla asked me about our story from beginning to end. I think I will type it up for her; I;m not sure the other kids will want to hear about you in a different light.I believe Kayla especially deserves to know the truth of what happened during that time. I wish I didn't have to do this but I know it is something she is really curious about. No matter what, I will let her know I have forgiven you and that you apologized the night at dinner in front of the Udall's the night before you died. 

I understand the shame you felt, I know you wanted to make your parents proud of you. I wish you never felt that, it was a different time in the church when we were raised and you had lovely parents who wanted to protect you. I will talk to you soon, I'm struggling right now with why Heavenly Father would take you from me at such a young age. I'm sure I'll never get that answer; I just want you back, physically with me.

See you Soon

I love you Monya

GOOD FOOD

 Dear Frenchie;

It's been so long, and I'm sorry, but life is upside down. 

I can't stop thinking about the night we were looking for a place to make out; you were a horn dog. We pulled over in a dark neighborhood, hoping we wouldn't get caught. Lol, but we did but the police, It was the Lords way of saying "Stop that." and we should have, but I was in Love with you. Remember how I kept you off of me for over 4 months. I love hugging you tight and the chills in our bodies. But I wanted to be a clean and virtuous bride. You, on the other hand, were a 29-year-old virgin, and you were horney.

Why did you wait so long to get married? If I even glanced at a very handsome man ... you hated it. You know you were jealous. Remember when we went out to eat with Kurt & Amy at some dump on Main Street? I will never forget you walking out and someone asking how the food was, and you pointed at the building and, in the weirdest voice, said, "GOOD FOOD." Amy and I couldn't stop laughing while Kurt just shook his head with that cute smile. Those were good times with them. I love them so much. Kurt called to check on me; he's sweet, much like your mom. 

I've been thinking a lot about how much we loved each other with our whole hearts, and I've decided it came from watching your mom and dad be so in love with each other, always holding hands and going to your softball games, cheering you on. We learned those things from you, teaching me that love is not something you can touch; it's a feeling. I never doubted you because I knew where you came from, and unfortunately, you did not know where I came from. You had a lot of years to teach me, and boy, did we both learn a lot.

Okay, I gotta go to sleep. I have work tomorrow. I like those memories. I'll help you remember when I talked to your pillow.

See You Soon, Babe

Monya

I miss you

Frenchie, every day I am without you, I know I am one day closer to being with you. Today has been one of those days when I have been crying more than usual. I appreciate you so much for taking care of me when you were physically here. I took you for granted, and I miss you. I hate that life is going on around me, and I can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

I had no idea I would have to make so many decisions. You protected me from a lot. I always thought I would go first, and you would move on, find a new wife, and be waiting for me. Why does this have to be so complicated? We had plans for this last chapter of our lives. Remember we were going to sell the house, live six months in Mexico, and spend six months at the cabin? You lived your life for our family to be safe and happy. 

I've been so depressed since I got home from San Carlos. Tomorrow night, I have our two tickets for Tim McGraw. I bought those tickets for your birthday and looked forward to going with you. I will go by myself and I hope you show up to dance and sing with me. You and I have been to so many concerts, and one of your favorites was when we flew to Las Vegas to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. You loved it because the venue was so small and intimate, with second-row tickets on the end seat, you got to shake Tim's hand. I'll never forget how big you smiled. I miss your smile and belly laughs. I kiss your pillow every night after I pray and then cry myself to sleep.

See You Soon

I love you so much, Monya

Dolphin World in San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

I thought about you all day today. I woke at 5:30 to see the sunrise and go to the estuary with Jori. Then Dwight picked us up with the boat. I got to see dolphins. It was so much fun. They swarm right next to the ship and are so playful.

Then we went out to Window Rock. It's gorgeous, and Dwight said it's an excellent place to dive. It was just me, Dwight, Jori, and her brother Scott. Then we headed over to pelican poop Island. Jori and I got out of the boat and looked for shells. There were the most beautifully colored shells out there. I collected quite a bit to add to our collection in Rocky Point. 

We ate at Sunset. I had flatbread that almost broke my teeth on—the crust was as hard as a rock, and you would have loved a beet salad.

The Sunset and sky were among the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It looked like pink cotton candy. I'm so happy Jori and Dwight invited me. A lot has stayed the same at Condos Pilar; now they have Del Fin condos next door, and they look nice, but I was happy staying with the Udalls. It's time for bed, but one day closer to being with you.

See You Soon

Monya

San Carlos Continued

 Dear Frenchie;

I wish you were here; I miss you. I wake up at 5:30 a.m. every morning. Jori and I walk down the beach to the estuary to collect sea shells. I meditate on this little sand hill while Jori searches for 'football' shells. I'm sure that is not their real name, but they look just like a bit of football with the threads—they are so cute.

Weslie and Phoenix would love to be here picking out all of the versatile shells; they differ from those in Rocky Point. There are much more well-formed shells here, and of course, you know I had a bag full. I called to reserve the condo next door to Jori and Dwight for next year. I wish I could get the kids to commit, but you know how that is. It makes me feel bad. They have traditions with the Wright and Bigelow families. I just want to start some of our traditions. I can't trust getting them all condos down here, and then at the last minute, they cancel because something better came up. These condos have to be reserved a year ahead of time.

Today, I sat on the beach thinking about you and did something you would be proud of me for. I went into the water in Mexico and climbed up to my neck. I was scared to death, but I did it. Jori and I kayaked today, which is one thing I have never done before. It was enjoyable.

Dwight, Willie, and Marion were gone all day diving; I went into my bedroom when they talked about it because I knew if you were here, you'd be on that boat, too. It's so hard to see lives moving forward. I wanted that with you. We were supposed to build the cabin and get old together. We got old, but not old enough for me to let you go. I'm struggling with your absence ... can we just have a do-over? LOL. I shouldn't be selfish, wanting you to still be here with me, but I can't help it. You always loved these trips.

Tonight, there was a gorgeous sunset. I took pictures and thought about you. I met a woman who does massages and had one yesterday. She knew nothing about me but knew I was holding a lot of grief, pain, and trauma on my shoulders. She could read my energy and detected many things in my life.

Willie made lobster, salmon, and steaks for dinner, which I know is your kind of meal. It was delicious. I mixed my lobster with garlic mashed potatoes and his buttery sauce. It was good, but too much butter for me.   

I think I might actually gain some weight while I'm here. The last time I saw Doctor Castrol, he did not like how thin I had gotten. I was at 109 pounds, and he said I needed to be at 126 to be considered healthy. It is hard for me to remember to eat or want to eat without you. 

I could feel you tonight at Sunset, so I sat out on a chair and talked to you while I was eaten alive by mosquitos. I sure love you and wish time would go faster. I want to be with you.   

See You Soon

Monya                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                         

San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

Jori and Dwight invited me to San Carlos. I'm staying in their second bedroom. It is so beautiful here. I forgot how much I love it here. You would have loved the sunset tonight. Purple, pink, and orange hues stretched across the ocean. A slight wind keeps the mosquitos away and cools us down at night.

I had a hard time getting someone to pick up my hours at work. I was supposed to be down yesterday but could not get one hour covered. Remember how often I have picked up an hour or two for people to help them? No one is picking up, and the block weeks they offered employees to be off until November has  passed so I can't take advantage of that anymore. I really thought I would do better going back to work after you left me, but it was too soon. You know in 20 years I have never called in sick or been late, I've been in the top 5% sales for the entire company, they only did that for three years. I loved going to Dallas and eating with Doug Parker as everyone was presented with awards. We now have a new CEO I have tried to put up with his antics but I just can't anymore. I was hired in sales, but not one of my calls are sales or service now, my entire shift is baggage (the worst calls ever)

The new CEO was American Airlines CEO before Doug Parker took over. He ran the business into the ground which is why we bought them out, however in the contract it was stated that Doug would retire after so many years and Ipson would take over again. Well I can tell you he did not learn anything from Doug, he's running the business for money only. I can only be on a call for 3 minutes or I get a performance 'interview' I've got that part down, but since you left I have called in sick twice and been kate twice. You used to be my human alarm clock. It's no ones fault but my own and I own it, I just don't see the purpose of putting me on a level. I didn't even know what that meant when Tryggve explained it to me. I also never knew. Also I didn't know I had to call in at least an hour before my shift if I'm calling in sick. I am supposed to know that when I've never called in so that made it worse for me.

I was in tears when Tryggve wanted to do my monitor with me. There is no more customer service and the only way to get a phone call done in under three minutes is if they only have a question, which happens NEVER. I can't be on a level, I can't lose my job of 20 years. I am calling Mike Markham tomorrow to find out more about disability with the state I'll have to hire an attorney but he only charges if I win. I'll meet with him when I get home. American won't give me disability for a few months while I get the state done. So I have to take a chance and pray I don't lose my job before i retire. If I can't get that all done, I'm retiring in January I just can't risk it I've invested so much of my time there. I think Dr. Lettieri and Howard are going to write my letter for the state and represent me. My eye is getting worse, not much longer and I will not be able to drive, I still don't drive at night unless it's coming home from the kids house.

It was a long day today with the seven hour drive, so I am going to  sleep now. I miss you so much and even though Jori and Dwight are the best and I love them for helping me through a rough couple of years. You'll be happy to know I finished my Amen University classes, it's been five years since I've been studying under him and it will really help me in my business Present Not Perfect. I finished EMDR and Arizona is now allowing life coaches to use it in their practices.Dr. Amen is a genius, everything I learn makes so much since I wish I'd known earlier so I could practivece on our own children.

 So I have my legal certification from Amen University on a wide range of things that will help in my new adventure. And I am continuing education with Amen because now everyitng is like 70% off if you finished all the classes at Amen University. I keep taking classes just to learn more of the dysfunctional Belshe family is.That conversation on another day. The kids thought we were bad parents, holy cow it just confirmed to me how normal and good our cute little family was, Yes we had arguments but for some reason you and I are were always able to listen and respect differences in opinions. I just spent 6 months with a couple who no longer talk to their parents because of the changes in personality as we get older. Now I am seeing it from younger perspectives and it's helped me to understand a lot. 

One is you and I were raised in homes where the church was prevalent it's was what you did because your parents took you with them on Sundays and no one was left behind. We had to have FHE every Monday it couldn't be on any other night but Monday-that is ludicrous. Who ever said Monday was the day?  

Remember when we got married and I started having FHE with the family every Monday-I would spend time on a lesson and game then dessert. but most the time I never got passed the lesson before all four of our rugrats were running around not listening, fighting or playing with each other. You and I often looked at each other and just laughed. The Stake also used to call us every month to ask us how many times we attended the temple? I'm sorry but young mothers do not always have one minute in a day to attend the temple, maybe they should ask members to go once a month as a couple to strengthen their bond instead of demanding it be done and then the mother is either on Prozac or trying to hard to keep up, and eventually they get burned out. I know it's different now, in every aspect of the church, we are not required to have Monday FHE anytime during the week is fine, even and especially Sunday. Which I changed for our family many years ago because we had baseball and dance on those night. Then we had to be at an activity every Wednesday night, I was so burned out taking three of our days from us is enough. NO MORE,  I heard they totally re-designed the strength for youth to be more about gaining your own relationship with Christ and He will lead you and guide you. Now that I like, these young teens are so peer pressured at school more than likely they are going to do something stupid, but are made to feel shameful instead. The Atonement is for EVERYONE including those serving time in Prison. My dad paid back his mistakes with prison and jail time,  I don't believe in a God who doesn't forgive even after death when someone like m dad always wanted to do better, be a better parent but the alcohol controlled him ... If He is the God I know he will work it out with them, it is not our job as leaders to make these kids feel shameful and hurt. We can talk about it later I'm just jacked up on it right now after researching myself. I have a very personal relationship with Christ, I understand the Atonement and I try to do what is right but when I mess up that is what the Atonement is for, so many people think it is for the 'perfect mormons' umm ... not at all it is for everyone no matter the sin big or small. We just need to try and be more kind to each other. I know I'm trying and I am so proud of our children they love you so much. I just want to be with you, I feel you often times at night and thank you so much for those times, but I'd much rather be sitting with you on a beach in San Carlos, than talking about this. I'm going with your thoughts that now that the children are raised they have their own choices to make about what is best for their family, and the time has certainly expired for them not to take responsibility for their own lives, and stop blaming their parents for everything. You either believe or you don't it's that simple, no one is making you do anything you get to choose. You and I talked about this numerous times, you and I fit perfectly together in the puzzle because we both believe in the Gospel we both wanted Temple marriages and children and to raise them in the church but that wasn't to be mean it was because the whole family went and I couldn't leave my infants home alone. You and I took care of our sins the way we were taught to just like any other organized religion, and for you and I it was the best decision anyone has ever made for us in the church. The point is many of the rules were written in the 1800's they didn't have green tea which has proven to manage many problems people have and it is better than a soda. Also they serve hot chocolate ate every event the church hases for the Holdiay seasons. It strickly says in the scriptures to avoid HOT drinks. Ok I'm done

I just want to talk about it with you more, but I gotta get to sleep..I didn't forget it's Fathers Day, I thought about you all day. I worried for the kids, but sent them text messages telling them how much you loved them and were proud of all of them.  I love you and missed making a German Chocolate Cake for you this year. I was in a car all day just to get to be with Jori and Dwight. But for now on you get that for your Birthday at Father's day without me telling you, "You've had enough." lol I love your guts.

See You Soon

Monya