Our First and Last Thanksgiving

 Hey Frenchie-

I am so overwhelmed and feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to. You were my one and done, my first and last lover. The day I leave this earth will be the happiest day of my life, for I will get to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. Oh, what a day that will be. By then, you will have everyone convinced Donald Trump was the best President the world has ever had; it probably won't go quite like that, but I can dream. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, Eric; you would have loved it. Chloe is organized, you know? She called me and asked what the plan was for Thanksgiving. The next thing I knew, she had everyone's responsibility to bring for dinner. Blake Chloe made the Turkey, and it was unbelievably good. Kaitlyn and Brian's little family. Kaitlyn made that raspberry jello salad. She tried to tell us it was a salad. Who's she kidding? That was our favorite dessert. She also made cream cheese with spicy cranberry jelly dip appetizer; you would have loved her sweet potatoes, too. I am trying to remember everything that was brought, but it was the best ever. I missed having Haleigh and Scott. She is still not talking to me, but I am no longer taking on anyone else's drama; I can't do that again. I would love to talk to her, and I think it is sad I don't get to see Ellis & Sena, but I cannot control this, so I'm letting it go.

Kayla went to New Mexico with Jeremy. His sister Megan was in a severe car accident with her family and Eric; it was terrible. Her husband and all of her children died. Megan was pregnant, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and that sweet little baby also died. I believe she was carrying her sixth child. I can't imagine waking up in the hospital and being told that my entire family was gone. She has strong faith, and that is what carried her through when her daughter died a few years ago. This is different; there is no husband to lean on. I hope her faith will carry her through this trial. I pray for her every day.

I hoped the entire family would see the importance of being together for the first Thanksgiving without you and our last one in this house. You know what? I was grateful to the ones who could come. Kaitlyn said, "Mom, you made a perfect chocolate pie, I love it." That truly made my heart break. Do you know when you remember those moments as a child and no one else does? This was like that. I automatically thought of my mom. She only complimented me when she said I had the remarkable ability to forgive people. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, and how incredible it made me feel to have my mom acknowledge me in such a way. I will never forget this moment when Kaitlyn complimented me. I loved it. I also loved hearing the kids talk about fun memories with you. 

The night before Thanksgiving is usually the night you and I—well, really me—stay in the kitchen all day, wanting Thanksgiving to be perfect. You always went to Costco at the last minute for a sale on Pumpkin pie, and you were my run-errands and pick-up last-minute things from the store guy. I miss you coming in with that sly look like you thought you were in trouble with Two Turkey in hand. Every year, I would ask, "When will we eat another Turkey before our next Thanksgiving?" It bugged me so much because the following year, you would want to donate it; well, you always wanted expired food to go to a shelter or donated somewhere, and every year, I would tell you, "Let's find a family who could use it this year."That never happened. I miss those little things. Every year, there was an argument about who I was inviting and whether we had enough tables and chairs- you knew we did. Your passive aggressiveness was saying, "Can you clean the tables and chairs so I don't have to do it?" It bugged me then, but I've changed since you left me. I can only control myself, and I've been leading with compassion towards people who say things that are just stupid- bless their hearts. They just don't understand the depth of loneliness I feel.

I'm packing up the house and don't want to get involved in the attack—ugh—but you know I will get up on that ladder and start throwing things out. If there is something worth keeping, I will save it, but honestly, what were we thinking putting my old vinyl records up there? I'm sure they are cracked and wilted by now. There is certainly a lot to keep me busy for a few months. How in the world did we accumulate so much crap? I need to find out how much it will cost to have the city drop off a large garbage bin. I also need to call about getting someone to come to our house and shred everything that was essential papers. I know how important that was to you. 

Overall, our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Everyone got along, but everyone missed you, and I left your end seat empty—no one sat in it. 

I love you to infinity, but I need some strength right now. I will ask Brother Arnold to give me a blessing. I pray every night and don't get answers, so I am overthinking this whole thing. I don't know why people think when someone dies that, the spouse is automatically taken care of and that I should have money to spare. My Uncle Mike will lose his house because their contractor skipped town with their money. I don't know why they would pay them upfront. He called me crying and asked me to borrow some cash. Eric, you know how much I love him and Auntie Ann, but you taught me to never do business with family again. We've been screwed by too many people, including family. You were the one who would make those decisions. I also received a notice from the IRS saying I owe $78,000.I don't know what to do, but the Alt Key people will look at it. However, on December 1st, it's due, and then they start charging us interest every day until it is paid. Dana won't settle, that stresses me out.

I finally finished my 6th year with Dr. Amen and can legally be a certified life coach. I know that would make you smile. I also finished my book The Happiness Junkie, but I'm not going to have it published. The kids hated it when I published the first book, and even though I am starting a new life without you to help me make decisions, I have to protect my heart from being hurt like that again. I'm finishing the last chapter of Pebbles in My Pockets, but I need to decide about publishing it, too. I have producers calling me from all types of agencies wanting to make I CAN-SURVIVE into a movie and blah blah blah. One of the production companies offered to pay for the entire thing and wanted me to be on set to make sure it was done tastefully. If the kids didn't like me writing a book, they would be against it. The NetFlix contract I signed is now null and void. That was a blessing in disguise, and I got paid for it. A part of me wants to publish Pebbles in My Pockets because it is uplifting and cheerful, but telling the kids would trigger a trigger in me and probably in them, too. I'll keep it private for now. Thank you for helping me with your perspectives.

I have been studying perspectives, and boy, do I have different perspectives now. People react and do things for a reason, and they are all connected to our brains. What I am experiencing grieving over your loss in my life is much different than the kids losing a dad. We knew everything about each other and spent 46 years figuring out life and relationships. It all comes down to perspective. Mine is the memories, good and bad, that taught us how survive in the circumstances we created while we were dating. I blamed you for what you did to me, but now I'm over it, knowing that I didn't come from the same family as you and we were entering a relationship with different perspectives on life, raising kids, your dad and Betty, my mom, and the stepdad. With all that going on, we should have taken the time to be ourselves. I now know and look forward to knowing everyone is dealing with something, and even if we don't have the same perspective, it does not diminish anyone else's. Respect and compassion are where I am now.

I love you, babe, and I know you will guide me.

It's time to put up Christmas and get into the spirit of giving to those less fortunate without judgment. You and I were good at that; you are better than me because you know when to say no. I collect dollar bills in my Jeep, and when I see someone needs them, I give them. 

It's time for bed, and I can't sleep with so much on my mind.

I love you so much and am so glad we were sealed together for eternity. I look forward to holding your hand again.

Love Monya

Unconditional Love

Hey babe, I'm in Utah visiting Teri. Two nights ago, I fell off a ladder and had to stay at the hospital. I hit so hard that it really scared me. But no broken bones, just severe internal bruising on my hip, shoulder leg, and left arm. My neck hurt like hell, too. 

I want to go home so wrong. I've been crying myself to sleep like I did when you left me. We had a wonderful life together. I look around and see so many people struggling to stay together. The only time the 'D' word ever came to my mind was when you had your first heart attack; wow, what a horribly unfortunate time for you and for me. I assumed you wanted to divorce me since I didn't hear from you. 

Now, as I see all our friends getting divorced after so many years of marriage, I am eternally grateful to have you forever. The Lord has truly blessed me. When I think about how easily I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, or worse when I was a youngster, I knew if I continued to pray, I would be blessed. I promised Heavenly Father I'd follow him if he would get me out of that horrible madness I lived in.

Then I found you. I remember being the 'Mormon Nerd, ' which is a good description. I was afraid to do anything wrong until three years into dating YOU. Lol. When I look back at that time, I realize how scared you were to disappoint your dad just after your mom died. I'm so glad you can let go of that shame now. As LDS members, we shame ourselves too much. The closest to a perfect person I have ever met is your mom, and oh, how I miss her.

I would not trade our memories for anything in the world. I know you wish you'd married someone like your mom. I know, I know, you never said it, but I most certainly didn't live up to her standards as a mother. Had she been alive at the beginning of our marriage, I know she would have helped me, then I would have been a better mom. Hine sight is always a crazy thing. I know that I loved each of our children with all my heart and still do even more as I see them turn into beautiful wives and mothers. Blake is a good man, husband, and father. Although you and I never really understood why they let the church, I'm grateful I have learned unconditional love. I just now knew what that meant. I love our children for who they are, not because they were baptized. They are grown adults, and as much as I wish I could go back and do it all over again, that simply is not His plan. 

My phone has been ringing off the hook, and production managers want to turn my book into a movie. I am not going down that road again. That book was a struggle to write I can't imagine Hollywood turning it into another nightmare.

I love you, and I need to get to bed. You won't believe this, but I'm having a yard sale ... yes you heard that right. I hate them, but you, my man left me with a lot of crap I never knew we had; you really knew how to hide things. I was hoping I would die first so you'd be the one to have to go through it all. It will be a new life for me, living alone in a home where I know no one. My fear is the kids will forget about me. 

I've invested in an e-commerce business, and I remember when I thought the training for American West Airlines was hard? This is out of my comfort zone. It's good that I am doing something now. Next month, I will be sixty-two and only have three more years to retire. I'm counting down the years. I want to be self-sufficient. I won't have a mortgage, thanks to you. Bake thinks our house will go for more than a million, and the new home is less than that. I should be okay with money. I call Ronnie Mabry about everything; he laughs and says, "Eric was always worried about you and told us endearing stories about you. He really loved you a lot. You are in a good position. Stop worrying." I can't imagine being retired, but I look forward to being my own boss.

I love you good-night my love!

Monya

The Shit Show 101

 Dear Eric,

Today, Kayla came to the house with the boys. They are getting big, but they are still so sweet and kind. Kayla asked if we could speak in private, so we went to our bedroom and sat on the bed. I knew something terrible would come out of her mouth but did not expect to hear what she said.

It took her some time to express herself, and her eyes filled with tears. I said, "What's wrong?" She began telling me about her marriage and how difficult it is to be married to Jeremy. She said he gets into these rages and lashes out by throwing things at her and screaming. She played me a recording she made during one of his rages. Eric, our little girl, was terrified. As I listened to her cry for help, I teared up. It was awful. I wish you were here to help, but I know you will guide me as her mother and her as our firstborn with your spirit. I had her turn it off because it was tough to listen to. I immediately went to her and hugged her, telling her I loved her. There were infidelities involved, and it made me sick to my stomach. She continued telling me about the domestic violence she has been receiving from Jeremy since they've been married. That means sixteen years of this, and why didn't I know? I'm her mother, shouldn't I know? Were there warning signs? 

She said Ezra told her he was scared, and that was all she needed to hear. She asked Jeremy to move out, and he did. I'm so proud of her strength, but you know, as well as I do, we do anything to keep our children safe. 

October 17th

I'm visiting with Teri Padovich and received a message from Jeremy asking if he could buy that big tent in the garage. I told him yes, not knowing what that thing was worth. Kayla met him at the house and gave him the tent.

Today, she told me they are going to separate for six months to see if he can get the mental help he needs. They will reevaluate after six months before making any permanent decisions. I told her I would support her in any decision she makes. I just want to be there for her with no judgment. I'm learning to lead compassionately, knowing we all make mistakes and that I love Jeremy. I don't like how he has treated her, but I still love him. I'm worried about him.

I'm still in probate because of Dana Harper. He has no case; we offered him his 1/4, which is $75,000, but he would not budge. Blake found an attorney. I really like him. He contacted Denny Dobbins and Nate Skinner to get more information. They both told him Dana has no proof of you, and he has decided to split the rent money, and he is asking for $250,000. I told the attorney our children had not paid a cent to live in that house. So now we are going to court, and Dana will have to pay my attorney's fees. No judge on the face of the earth will look at him and tell him I owe him that money. We offered him exactly what he would get at the full appraisal of $300,000. The attorney said, "What kind of friend comes begging for money from his dead friend's wife?"

I miss you so much and wish we could talk. I'm in tears all the time. I had no idea that I would be grieving and going through this at the same time. I love you, I miss you, and there are days when I have to get on my knees several times a day to ask for guidance. You are with me. I know where you are is beautiful, and you have work to do, but I want you back. I'm not ready to let go of you; I never will be. It's time for bed. I will write again, you know I will.

See You Soon

Monya

Taxes

 Frenchie, I started gathering all I needed to for our 2023 taxes. I'm sorry, but I never appreciated your hard work, not only for our family but also for filing our taxes. You were right, it SUCKS.

I'm not sure if I'm doing everything right, but the folks at Alt Key have been great about helping me. I am happy to say, tomorrow I will be turning all the tax information over to them.

I will be driving to Carlsbad again on Saturday with Josh and Dulce. We will meet Jori and Dwight at their condo, and then Dwight will drive Josh's car home. Believe it or not, he did not want to go to Disneyland with us. I know that was not your favorite place to go, and it is not the happiest place on earth. Jori wants to go to Sea World again. Eric, you, and I went there in January with them, and I do not want to go but have a hard time saying no to Jori. 

I went to Kara's today. Her daughter Graci is now helping with my hair extensions. The other lady was too out there for me. The last time I went in, she said, "So, you're single, right?" I answered NO. Then she said, "Didn't you recently lose your husband?" I said, "Well, I didn't lose him; he left to be in his next life." She looked at me like I was an idiot. Then said, "You know what I mean. You don't have a husband you are living with, so you are not having sex, right?" Then I told her it was really none of her business. She proceeded to ask if I was Mormon, I told her "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" She said, "Well, I have a client who came the other day; she is a divorced Mormon and thinks it's ok to masturbate; can you believe that?"

I had no idea what to say. I just looked at her like she was an alien, which I think she is. Then she said, "The Church is against masturbation. Didn't a bishop ever ask you how many times you did that a week when you were growing up?" I said, "No, I have never been asked that question ..." When I was trying to finish my sentence, she interrupted me and said, "Well, I did, and I was told never to do that and that it's unpure. This lady has been divorced for a while, and she said she masturbates... OMG, so against the church. No matter what your age or marital status. PERIOD." Then she proceeded to ask my take on using a vibrator; I told her I believed everything she was talking about had more to do with the person's personal relationship with God than it does with 'the church.' I have never been asked such questions before. I no longer wanted to participate in this discussion and tuned her out. 

Grace is getting married in December; I can't wait to attend her reception. It should be beautiful. When Kara started cutting my hair 30 years ago, Graci wasn't born. I remember how excited Kara was to be pregnant with a girl, and I told Graci that today. I wished someone could tell our daughters and Blake how I felt about being pregnant with each of them. I loved being pregnant. I never got sick and didn't gain too much weight. With Kayla and Blake, I lost weight, remember? You know that seems like yesterday?

I had lunch with Linda Bennett on Monday. Her oldest son, Kevin, named after his dad, lives less than a mile from us. Geez, I remember when he was born, also. How does time go so quickly?

I need to get to bed, Kaitlyn is coming over tomorrow, and I am excited to see her, so I need to get to bed.

I miss you and love you so much.

Monya

Vito Dies

 Frenchie, maybe you know I'm not sure, but Vito passed away on Sept 16, 2024. I will be going to his funeral tomorrow.

I'm so glad I could visit him and JoAnne a month ago. I was looking forward to living down the street from them. I haven't spoken to JoAnne, but I think she was getting prepared for him leaving. He fell on his electric scooter a month ago, which is why I went to visit them.

JoAnne told Terry, JoAnne said, "How could we lose Eric and Vito in the same year?" I am so sad for her. I think I am more sensitive about death now. I understand how she feels. I miss you so much, sometimes I still can't believe you are gone. 

I just finished reading the Book of Mormon. I don't know who could read it and not feel its truthfulness. My testimony and faith have been tested this year, but I know that when I pray, I always feel close to Heavenly Father. 

I'm so glad I have the gospel in my life. I have never needed it more than I do now. I am worried about moving into the new house and going to a new ward. Eric, we have been in this ward for over 30 years. I always thought we would never move because we loved our ward so much, but when it was split, everything changed. It's just not the same. The people in the 6th ward that we know and love have told me they feel the same about their new ward. I have been truly blessed by the prayers of many people in these wards. I will always be grateful for our connections here, but moving is the right thing to do, even if I am as scared as I am. 

See You Soon

Monya

Carlsbad

 Frenchie, I visited Carlsbad, California, with Jori and her sister Jill. Dwight and Jeff showed up on Thursday.

I had a long conversation with Dwight while we were there. I wanted to talk to him in private about the reason for your death. I needed to approach this conversation carefully because I didn't want him to feel like I did when the kids told me. I know how much Dwight loves you, and he tears up when he talks about you. 

Our conversation went about as well as the conversation went with the kids. I begged him to please read the report and that I was sure he would agree about the drowning. Then he got really sad and said he had been thinking about it since Blake called him. He started to cry and told me about the day C.J. died and how guilty he felt. He walked me through the entire day, and I began to cry, too. I can't imagine losing one of my children or grandchildren. He shared a very intimate experience and told me he hadn't talked about or told anyone about it until that day. I appreciated him sharing it and knew it must have been hard. 

He shared it with me for a reason. I asked him if this was why he could not or would not read the police report. He stared at me and said, "I saw Eric wave at me Monya. I will never say that didn't happen." I told him I believed him. He doesn't want to know the truth about what happened that day. I understand the initial shock; I felt like that, too. I am so grateful Kaitlyn asked for those reports. It's been hard to relive it repeatedly, but knowing the truth will eventually be the best for me. I just have to get past learning how you died. So, unless Jori and Dwight ask me for the report, I won't discuss it again. 

Love You

Monya

Dana Harper

 Frenchie, I left with Jori and her sister Jill for Carlsbad a few days ago. Yesterday, we spent time at the beach. The weather was so nice; you would have loved it. I can't go to any beach without thinking of you. It's hard to believe almost 7 months have passed since you left me. 

Blake called to check in on me today. I asked him to help me with taxes, but I've never done them alone or with your income. You would be proud of Blake. He has stepped up to the plate and been here for me. I took you for granted in so many ways. Now that I am having to organize and shuffle what you left for me, my life has been very busy. Everything is done except for the properties in Mexico. However, the probate was supposed to be over on September 3rd, but Dana filed something on September 3rd to stop it from going through. I really don't like him. I have never liked him, and I do not know why you would partner with him. You are so much better than that. Now, he is making posts on social media about how disappointed I was; did he think I would just write him a check for what he claims you owe him? Did he forget I was with you when you purchased the home? 

I don't know if I mentioned Nate Skinner is my probate attorney. You wouldn't like this, but Dana Harper has shown up at his office a few times asking about the property you and he bought together. He has a woman call the office and pretend to be counsel for him, but when Nate's p.a. asked what firm she was with, she would not answer and hung up. Then he showed up at Nate's office snooping around, wanting info on my probate and letting them know he owns the house you bought together. I am so upset with him. I understand that he wants to know what will happen with the house, but I don't understand that he wants to sue me for $250,000. He thinks I am stupid; the money he is suing me for is a wild number he pulled out of his butt ... lol. Actually, he says that is the amount you owe him for rent. He says you and verbally agreed that you would split the rent. Little does he know we have not collected any rent money. Half of nothing is nothing. You were right he is trying to get something for nothing, he is a freeloading whore.

Two weeks ago, someone showed up at Kayla and Jeremy's house, saying Dana wanted to do a walkthrough so he could see what shape it was in. Jeremy told him no, and of course, Kayla was upset. I reassured her that I would do all I could to keep him from taking away their home. Blake hired a real estate attorney to move forward. I called Taz, and Blake was talking with him, too. He said we need to develop a figure that he owes us based on Dana's assessment of how he reached $250,000. Eric, I know how reactive I can be. I decided if Blake would take this one by the wheel, I would greatly appreciate it. I don't want to say anything to Dana I would regret, so I'm grateful Blake is helping with this. Dana has not changed at all. You warned me about him, but I never thought he would stoop this low. No worries it will all get taken care of.

Sonya & Kris

Frenchie, Uncle Mike, and I had a great time in Mexico. He got a little sick, not the throwing up sick, but his muscles were hurting him, and he was fatigued. He loved Mexico and said over and over again, "I can see why Eric loves it here; it's beautiful."

I love spending time with him and have learned more about my Belshe family than I ever wanted to know. I found out the Belshe family is filled with family members who have had cancer, strokes, and autoimmune diseases. I guess that answered a lot of my questions about my health. I have had all of those things happen to me, cancer, mini-stroke, and horrible autoimmune diseases. Uncle Mike also told me that there are many Belshes who suffer from mental illness. Some won't admit it because they don't want to sound weak. Now, this one I don't understand, and not because I don't have mental issues but because the Belshe family wants everyone to think they are superior to the rest of us and mental illness would never be "their" problem.

Oh well, it's a learning curb for me hearing all of this stuff. I had to pull it out of Uncle Mike. He doesn't talk about people and doesn't want me to think anything different about his siblings. No doubt Sonya and Kris have mental issues. I guess I have to give them a break since mental illness is passed down from generation. 

Eric, I still cannot forgive my sisters for not contacting me after you passed away. I can't get over how many times you pulled them out of financial situations without asking for anything back from them, and they can't send a text saying, "Sorry to hear about Eric." I have let so much of their crap bother me over the years, but I am done, for sure, with both of them. They remind me of my mother; if they act like it didn't happen, then they don't have to do something about it. Sonya and Greg were more worried about their reputation or Justen's repetition as a surgeon than they were about how Haleigh was doing or the facts. The fact is Justen told you and I in Bishop Greer's office that he sexually molested Haleigh. The details he told us made me sick. How could Kris and Sonya think what he did was ok? They don't, but admitting what he did shows weakness on their side, and how could they ever admit weakness? It leads me to wonder if they were ever molested by Gary. Sonya said he touched her boobs one time, and Kris has never discussed it, only to say she was molested too. I protected Kris by making sure I was the one who slept in Gary's bed so Kris wouldn't have to. I understand now why they were adamant about knowing what happened to me. 

I'm happy I didn't share that with them. You are the ONLY person I have ever admitted to what happened to me. I'm not sure why I told you about that when we were in Hawaii, mostly because I knew you wanted to know everything. I kept some of that secret for so long because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. Thank you for letting me share those intimate, disgusting details with you and not judging me. I love that I could finally share all of that with you after all these years. You held me, said you were sorry this happened to me, and wished you could have protected me. I love you even more for understanding and sympathizing with the situation I was forced into. I don't regret not telling you. My therapist thought it would be best that I didn't because it was not going to help you forgive my parents. It would only push you to the edge of wanting to kill Gary. 

I love you and miss you so much. I wish grieving wives could have one time when the veil is lifted, and we could see what our husbands are doing all day. I remember telling you about the experience I had with your mom and dad when I was resuscitated during surgery. I don't think you believed me, but now you know. Heaven is beautiful, and everything we have been taught about our life after death is true. Knowing you are doing good things with your mom, I have made peace with you leaving me. I can see now how Heavenly Father was preparing me for your death. I have had many dreams where I am with your mom, and you asked me one time after I had a dream, "Why don't I ever dream?" I now know exactly where you are, but not sure what you are doing. Now, you are living in the world I want to live in. No judgment, no comparisons, and a lot of love and serenity. Enjoy my love.

I am looking forward to the CHOSEN starting in September. For some reason, watching the new season will bond me even closer to you. XOXO

Uncle Mike

Frenchie, Uncle Mike came and visited me. I picked him up at the airport, and he looks really good. I wish he wasn't so hard on himself. He thinks he is going to Hell ... literally. When I asked him why he would say that to me, he said there was a bishop who came to their house and told them they were going to Hell because Aunt Ann was not baptized and that they did not get married in the Temple. I was so sad to hear him tell me that story. This is one of the reasons so many people talk bad about the LDS religion. Why in the hell would anyone say that to someone? I'm pretty sure you know more than I do now, but I do not believe the Heavenly Father I know would be ok with anyone telling him that, especially a bishop.

I love Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann. I'm so glad I've made a connection with them. I had no idea Uncle Mike was ten years younger than my dad. He told me he was as bad as Colby. I told him I didn't believe that and knew he never went to jail. He has this terrible self-image.  Because he married Jane young, they had two girls, and Jane talked horribly about Mike; those girls don't speak to him. It is unfortunate. He has a lot of shame because of it but makes no excuses; he lives with the agony of having daughters in Arizona who do not want anything to do with him, but he is not like Colby except for the kind heart that they both have. Those boys were so misunderstood. I wish things could have been different with my dad. I wanted to have him in my life, but I needed to understand where he was as a teenager. I have abandonment issues because of Colby. Well, not only him; my mom walked away from me when I needed her most. 

Uncle Mike and I are driving to Mexico tomorrow; he has an appointment with a dentist. Remember him telling us about his teeth going bad after he started taking heart medication? He's getting old, Eric. I will miss him so much when he passes on to your world. He asked me if I would put his Temple clothes on him when he dies. I told him I would be honored to do that for him. Then he told me he wanted to be cremated; I'm not sure if the "Church" would approve, but you know me ... I don't care, and I am not going to ask if he can be burned with his temple clothing on. This was a very uncomfortable conversation, and I hoped and prayed he would not ask me if it was okay with the church; he didn't. 

He was sleeping on the sofa; he didn't want to go upstairs and share a bathroom with me. I hope he thinks the couch is as comfortable as I told him. 

I love you so much. I'm not sure how I got so blessed to be married to you. Thank you for understanding my crazy, messed-up life. You didn't know what you were getting into when we married, but I could not and would not want to do it with anyone else. I have to go to bed. I'm going to your happy place tomorrow.

I Bought a House

Frenchie, have you been listening to me? I needed your opinion on moving, one of the things I miss the most about you is our sincere talks. I know you better than anyone on Earth, and I know you stood before your Heavenly Father with great pride. 

So I wanted to talk to you tonight; I need to decide about moving. I met the children at Reserve at Red Rock so they could see my interest in the home. Surprisingly, they all loved that I was considering moving to where you sold homes. Terry walked me through several specs. I thought I was set on one until I was told the house would be done in October. I am not emotionally ready to do that yet. Would you be if I was gone? You

would have stayed in this house, even if it's because you would never want to clean it out. Today, when I was at Red Rock, I told Terry I could not move that quickly, and he said he understood. He really has been so kind to check up on me. I saw the lot you saved for the lady whose husband passed away. He was a pastor, and they lived on a ranch, but she could not sell her house. I asked Terry about the lot and if I could build something new. He asked Jeff, and he approved it. Today, I wrote a check for $100,000, which was weird. I've always had to make decisions like this with you. I can't count how many times I asked Terry, "What would Eric do?" 

I bought a house, WHAT? I love that the neighbors all know you and love you. Terry and I went to Vito's house to visit him and his wife. He is something else. When I came into the house, he tried to kiss me on the lips. I knew it was just the Italian in him, and Joanna didn't seem to mind. It's who he is. Remember when we went to dinner with them? He was quite a hoot, and the stories he told were funny. I think about that night and can see you laughing so hard. You winked at me when he tried to kiss me that night. I was a little grossed out until you explained Vito to me. Vito said, "I loved Eric. Do you know what he always said when he saw me?" I said, "No, but I'm sure you are about ready to tell me." With a big smile, he said, "Eric always said, when I grow up, I want to be like Vito."

You Are A Man of God

Hey Frenchie, I've been deciding whether to stay or stay in this house we built together. Blake showed me a house this week in Gilbert. A smaller home sounds much better than this BIG house and yard.  It's such a hard decision; we built this house as we wanted. We built this house around the pantry. Remember how adamant I was about having a big pantry? You made sure I had the pantry of my dreams. Thank you for loving me that much... lol.

I received a phone call from Lori Blandford telling me that Jeff was offering to sell me any of his specs for his cost. My initial reaction was to tell her no, I'm not ready for that yet. This is my worst nightmare. It goes to show me that I never know exactly what is going to happen next. I miss you very much. My heart is still broken. 

I cry myself to sleep every night and hold your pillow close. You are the last person on earth I could imagine dying. Mainly because you were bigger than life and loved life. I want you to know I forgive you for things I brought up to you often about our past. I appreciate that you apologized to me the night before you died, but why? Did you know you were going to die? When I look back at the last month before you passed, there are too many things you said or did that make me believe you knew this was coming. Not too many people get a second chance at life. You did and made up for so many years that I knew you felt disconnected from our children. You made that all right with them; each loves you so much.

I wish you were sitting next to me on our bed. I know you loved when I wrote in this blog. I really wish you had left more of your life experiences with the kids. You really didn't like to write things down. Lol, but I would give anything to have your journals. I read from your missionary journal that you only wrote for the first six months. What happened? I remember things you told me about your mission, but you didn't talk much about it. Did you think any of us would be disappointed in you? I hope you never felt that because the man I started dating over forty years ago was a man of God. I loved how humble you were. I saw that side of you again in the past year and a half. Heavenly Father is so happy with you. We all make mistakes, but the Atonement covers all of them. Every day, I am grateful that I married you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Save me a place. I cannot wait to see you again. I long for your fantastic hugs.