Be Careful What You Wish For

 

Just so you know, I have decided to name my cancer The Villain.

Those who know me well know that I can be quite a jokester. Growing up, I never had any boobs, and I don't remember really wishing that I had them either; I think I was good with what I was given. Then after I had children..vavoom out came the sisters in full bloom, and I did not like it. I have often been asked if I had implants, or "what Dr. did your boob job" I am always taken back when I hear someone say that because just for the record, I DO NOT HAVE IMPLANTS...and I have said many times I wish I could get my boobs cut off. Of course, my husband was always in opposition to that idea, and we knew it was a joke, but now as I am being faced with what used to be a joke...becoming a reality, I'm scared. In just a few hours, most of my femininity will be taken from me, forever, never to return; the other part of it will be taken from me in another surgery a few months from now. My bishop and husband gave me a beautiful blessing tonight, and I appreciated every word of it. But the bottom line is that my breasts are being removed tomorrow, not by my choice, but The VILLAIN has decided it for me. I trust the Doctor will be skillful that she knows what she is doing; that is not the problem. The problem is me; how do I fix this feeling inside me that a part of my womanhood is being taken from me? How will my husband look at me after? Can I even let him look at me? How long will it take for me to look at me? I try not to be a vain woman, but I admit I want to look pretty to my husband. It's hard for me to go to bed tonight; I know it's time to go to the MAYO Hospital and face The VILLAIN when I wake up. I'm not ready yet; I still have some housework to do and still have some wedding plans to get done. Last night I had a terrible panic attack at my sister's house; the reality of all of this is becoming hard for me to handle. Tonight I read the 1st letter from my Son Blake; he is in the MTC preparing to serve in the Dominican Republic. He is studying so hard to learn the language that he only got 2 hours of sleep because he wanted to study. He sent me the most beautiful letter and testimony in Spanish; as I read his words, it calms me and makes me feel better about what I will do tomorrow; he has so much faith. On these days when I am feeling like my well needs to be filled, the people in my ward fill it up with words of encouragement and gifts of Love, Blake's faith will fill the gaps where I need it, and I know for a fact the Lord will pick my up and carry me when I cannot do it myself. I pray tonight that the Lord will strengthen me tomorrow as I face this sudden and awful journey I am starting; I have always told my kids that it's not the start of the race that is important; it's the finish that is most important. 
And I plan on finishing this race in the first place.