Home Is Where My Heart Is

 

I wanted so badly to journal while in the hospital, but I was pretty out of it and feared that I would write something that did not reflect my genuine emotions or feelings. Tuesday, we got to the Mayo checked in at 7:30 am, and I think I was back in my room by 10:00 or 10:30 pm. It was a long day for my husband and family as they waited to hear the news from Dr. Pockji and Dr. Kreymerman. They gave great news that the surgery was successful, and Dr. Pockji told Eric that they were 70%-80% sure the lymph nodes were clear. Eric was so excited when he was told that I would have to have chemo or hormonal therapy, NO RADIATION. 

Wednesday was a tough day for pain, the narcotics in my body were so foreign, and I didn't like how I felt at all by that night; I asked them to take me off the nerve block and all narcotics, I could not believe what a difference it made once those meds wore off.

Thursday started off being much better. I was now on less evasive drugs to control the pain and felt like a new person. I was able to walk around with the help of my husband, and slowly, they started to take out needles and, one at a time, be free from wires and tubes flowing into my body. Dr. Pockji came into my room with another surgeon, and she sat next to my bed and told me the Lymph nodes were positive for cancer. What? This cannot be; we were sure the worst part was over. It took me back to the day when I was 1st told The VILLAIN was in my breast; I was shocked and unable to respond.

I looked over at Eric and started to cry; Dr. Pockji was very compassionate as she told us that on Monday, I would return to surgery and have all the lymph nodes removed and a port put in the right side so that chemo would be easier for me. She explained that they were so sure they were clear but could see several nodes with positive results as they dissected them. She said that we would be aggressive with Chemo and Radiation. Later, when Dr. Kreymerman came in ( I love him ), he was so sweet and showed deep concern for me as he told me how sorry he was for the news. He also told me that there is a chance the procedure he did may not take because of the radiation; we will not know until later when we see how the radiation affects my breasts. This is a long process, and I will not be having radiation for another year; if it does not take after the radiation, I will require another surgery. I just wanted to go home; I asked Dr. Pockji if it was ok for me to go home for a couple of days and enjoy 2 days without the smells and sounds of the depressing hospital room. She agreed it would be a good idea. Eric and I decided the most important thing right now was to get a note to Blake in the MTC and let him know about the surgery on Monday and to let him know we are so proud of him and that we are feeling his constant spirit with us and that this is going to be OK, we have the best Dr's on my team. We will still fight it and win. I don't want anything negative to get back to Blake; he is enjoying the MTC and has been put in the Advanced Spanish class; the blessings he is receiving are overwhelming; I want him to continue to have a great experience and do the work he was called to do without worrying about what is going on at home. So we wrote him a letter, and I am sure the Lord will comfort him and bless him while he is away from us, bless his heart, I love him so much it must be difficult for him, but he would never admit it.

Friday, I came home. Holding Eric's hand and crying off and on the entire way. I know what this means. No one needs to tell me how hard it is going to be, but I have so much to fight for, and I have so much more in this life to do, so kicking and screaming the whole way, I will WIN this battle eventually.