Haleigh Graduates May 31, 2010

MONDAY, MAY 31, 2010

Graduation 2010

I sometimes feel like certain people come into our lives for a reason. I have been feeling a little down and out, trying to make some decisions about surgeries and other treatments I have coming up. Haleigh had her graduation last Thursday night from Highland High School; we walked in about 10 minutes before it started, and there were not too many seats available to sit in. We looked around at the thousands of people in attendance and knew we had better get a seat and get one fast, or we would not be getting one. As I scanned the bleachers, I asked a man 3 rows up if the seats behind him were taken; he turned around and asked, and the people said no, so we made our way to our seats. What a perfect view of the stage we had. The sun was piercing down on us; I had no idea that it was so hot outside (since I rarely stay out).

It was so beautiful once the sun went down and it cooled off. The woman sitting next to me said, "it's scorching, isn't it?" I responded, "Yes," she asked if I had cancer, and I confirmed, and she wondered what type of cancer I have "breast cancer," I said. From looking at her, I could tell she was wearing a wig. She was probably in her 70's. She looked at me and said, "I have cancer too; I have ovarian cancer, the worst of all cancers. I had chemo, lost all my hair, and was very sick." She continued to tell me her cancer came back after 18 months in her stomach, and now she is going through chemo again. I looked at her and said, "I am so sorry you had to go through treatments twice. What is your prognosis?" She told me something I believe is true she said: "My prognosis is whatever God wants it to be, he is in charge, and we can't change that, so I just live my life and take each day as if it is my last," She said that her sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time she was diagnosed. Her cancer also came back 18 months later in her ovaries, so they went through chemo together. 

She was a lovely lady, seemed to be a concerned mother and supportive grandmother, she was a woman that people knew and loved, and now she is in my life. We exchanged emails; she lives in Florida. She told me she would pray for me; I know she will, and I for her and the other names of people I have contacted since I was diagnosed. How glad I am that of thousands of people I could have sat next to in those bleachers, it was Caroline on that day at that moment which helped me answer some questions to prayers that I thought were not being answered.

Watching my baby graduate from High School was heart-wrenching for me. We will never have another child in High School again. I feel like this senior year for her was a blur. How sad she had to watch her mother go through VILLAIN treatments her last year of Highschool. I hope that will not be her only memory of her senior year. 

Haleigh has been such an easy-going daughter, understanding and compassionate. I could not have asked for a more supportive child. Since my diagnosis, Haleigh has held all her emotions; I have not seen her cry; I'm not sure if I should be concerned or content that she is stronger than I thought.

She is strong and obedient, always making good decisions. Which made treatments easier to endure knowing I would not have to worry about her choosing bad friends or being tempted by things of the world. Every mother and father should experience a child-like Haleigh. I'm proud of the woman she is becoming, and I will miss her when she goes off to college.

On the way home that night, I asked Eric, "Do you believe people come into our lives or make an impression on our lives for a reason?" he said, "What do you mean?" I told him about my new friend Caroline. We had a good conversation about how the Lord blesses us with people in our lives sometimes to help us make decisions about things we are unsure of. Maybe they are put in our path to help us get answers to prayers. I will never forget Caroline. She made a lasting impression on me.

LABELS: CANCER, HALEIGH, JOURNALING 

What a Day !!!

 

SUNDAY, MAY 23, 2010

What a Day !!!

I've had some funny and exciting things happen to me this week. There was a time I thought about hair (or lack of) every moment of every day, and it consumed my thoughts, and it was difficult to get past it. Anymore, I don't think about it too much. 

Yesterday, I was looking in the mirror and thought, "I need a little color on my body." I know I can't lay in the sun. I have some bronzing lotions that I sometimes use, but they are so much maintenance, so I decided that I would go get a spray tan; after all, as women, we all need a little "pick me up" once in a while. 

The hot flashes are getting worse, and the fatigue and insomnia are not any better. Maybe doing something for myself will help me feel a little better. First, I needed to go grocery shopping, tomorrow is Sunday, and I didn't have anything for dinner yet, so off to Walmart, I went with my list in hand. On the way into the store, I noticed this lady with a huge bouffant hairdo thing going on.... on the top of her head, it took me back to the late 60's and early 70's. I remember my mom wore her hair like that. I immediately thought, how nice she feels comfortable enough to go out into public. She then disappeared into the east entrance from my sight while I went into the west entrance. I was busy going up and down the aisles getting the ingredients I needed; I looked up as I was putting some diced green chilies in the cart to see the bouffant lady walking straight toward me; I had this feeling she was going to say something to me, yep, sure enough, here she comes.

Lady: "whoever does your hair doesn't do a very good job."
then she pulls out a business card and hands it to me
Lady: "Here is the lady's business card of the lady that does my hair."
I'm thinking seriously? She has got to be kidding me. Uh, no such luck. She was totally serious. I started to laugh, then said
Me: "Um, I have cancer; I didn't cut my hair this way."
then in a very sarcastic voice, as if to say I was the one being rude, she says
Lady: "OH...., WELL, I Didn't KNOW."
And she walked off with her beehive hairdo and her nose in the air. Very funny I could not stop laughing at the irony. I guess that's what I get for judging her hair in the parking lot. I did wonder if she had been introduced to the year 2010? I may have just passed on an incredible opportunity to have my hair done by the latest and most fashionable hairdresser. Styles of clothes are constantly coming in and out of popularity, and maybe hair fashion does too.

I left Walmart thinking about getting my spray tan and hoping I would have enough energy. After all, spray tan was all I really needed to do today. Haleigh called and asked me to get her SUBWAY on my way home. When I walked into SUBWAY, the lady behind the counter exuberantly expressed how much she loved my hair.
SUB GIRL: " OH MY GOODNESS, I love your hair."
ME: "Thank you, I appreciate you saying that"
SUB GIRL: "Are you attracted to females?"
at this point, I think, "This will not end well for me. I just know it." Huge gulp and a lump in the throat
ME: "Um, no, not really."
SUB GIRL: "That's too bad. You would be a huge turn-on at the club I go to, and I was going to ask you to go with me tonight."
OK, this girl is so excited and smiley that I can't help but smile. I'm just thinking, Heavenly Father, get me out of this, and I promise I will never go in public again, well, until my hair grows out. haha
ME: "Sorry" are you kidding me, Monya? That's it? All you could say was sorry? Really at this point, I just want to get in my car and get home.
SUB GIRL: "Here, let me help you to your car. Are you sure you won't reconsider going out tonight?" I'm wondering, do SUBWAY employees usually walk their customers to the car? WOW, that was uncomfortable.

This is the 3rd time I have been "hit on" by a woman since my hair loss. I guess I'm attractive to lesbians.
Not sure I will take any comfort in that, but it has really been fun to come home and tell Eric about it. He got a good laugh out of it last night, and I love that we have been blessed with the ability to laugh right now.

After this eventful and entertaining day, I decided it was time for my spray tan. I was so nervous. I have never done anything Like this before, and I was afraid I would come out looking like a giant PUMPKIN.... then I thought, who cares? It can't really get any worse, and besides, I've decided since we never know how long we have on this earth, I am going to take risks and do things I always wanted to do but was too afraid to try. 

Well, I did it; I got some color. Thank you, spray tan. I just might try it again someday.

Nineteen Years Clean

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010

Nineteen years clean

Tonight I was in between classes at the gym, and a woman in my 1st class came up to me and introduced herself as Kim. She said she wanted me to know she had been watching me the past few weeks and wanted to say something to me but was not sure what. She said, "My heart goes out to you every time I see you, I am a breast cancer survivor too, and I had the same hairdo as you have" we both laughed. I asked her how many years it had been ..... her response was "19 years" she had stage 1 ductile carcinoma, and they caught it early. I love to hear those stories; I realize that my VILLAIN was far more advanced and aggressive, but it gives me hope that I will be around for a long time.
I am not quite where I was endurance-wise a year ago, but I can feel my muscles getting stronger. Exercise is incredibly therapeutic for me. A few times during working out that  I have broken down and cried. How can I ever explain to anyone how it feels to be alive and be able to do what I love? Those tears are tears of joy that only I can understand.

Life Goes On

MONDAY, MAY 17, 2010

Life Goes On

I have been experiencing HOT FLASHES, seriously? It's so annoying; at first, I thought it was just because our house was warm and I needed to turn the air down, that's not it. I think I could be living in an Igloo or a snowstorm, and the flashes would still come. Doctor Northfelt said that the chemo sometimes throws women into menopause, or it kills your ovaries temporarily and makes your body think you are in menopause. Suddenly, a few months down the road, they start producing estrogen again. Chemo does some strange things to bodies; both of my big toes went black after I finished chemo, I talked to some other women, and they all said they experienced the same thing. Insomnia is another side effect of chemo and radiation; I have a hard time sleeping; well, actually, I have a hard time staying asleep. 

My mind wanders. The skin around the areas they radiated is so dry and red. Also, I am still experiencing fatigue and exhaustion. I'm not complaining; I really just want to journal everything happening so I will never forget. Speaking of forgetting, I was in my cycling class and realized that there is not a minute of the day that I don't think about the VILLAIN. I'm hoping that I never forget but that I will be able to function eventually without it consuming my every thought. It's a scary thing, probably one of the most terrifying health diagnoses women could get. Until my diagnosis, I never thought about the VILLAIN. I was more worried about Eric and his health. I always thought I needed to eat healthily and exercise, so I would be here for my kids. I never imagined the VILLAIN would be a part of my life. Now when I think about it, I think, why not me? One in 8 women will receive the same diagnosis that I did. Life goes on, every life is essential, and the experiences we have in life are what make us who we are.

LABELS: CANCER, CHEMO, DR. NORTHFELT, JOURNALING, MR. HOTFLASH 

Last Day of Radiation

 

THURSDAY, MAY 13, 2010

Last Day Of Radiation

I finished radiation, and it was so hard to say goodbye to the staff in the radiation department. I have never met people who are more compassionate and kind. It has been a wonderful experience to know that 5 days a week for 7 weeks, I knew I would be greeted by people who genuinely care and understand. This staff treated me more like a friend than a patient, and I loved them all.
There is something not right about radiation, though; I'm not sure how it works, meaning that when I go into the room, and the techs get me all situated, the techs leave the room and shut the massive metal door, so they don't get radiated... huh? How can that be good for my body? Kinda weird how it works. I'm sure if they had a special light to check the radiation levels in my body, mine would like up like a Christmas tree. At Mayo Clinic, they call us the GLOW club... seriously??

My skin is so radiation burned haha. I thought I would make it through without getting burned... what was I thinking? Under my arm, where the lymph nodes were radiated has  2nd degree burns and my breast is also burned and swollen. In the last 2 weeks, it has gotten worse. The swelling is weird ... when I put my arm down, I can feel my breast on my arm..... ladies if you have no boobs and you thought you wanted melons .... you don't. I'm still not sure why Heidi Montag would like to change her cute body, I heard her say on a 20/20 episode that she wants to now go from an F cup to a G cup..... Ewww that makes me sick. I don't think any of us realize how much we take for granted.
On the last day of radiation, patients are encouraged to ring the bell, so everyone knows it is their last day, and I did; I rang it loud and long.


Saying Goodbye was Hard. I will miss them


Ready For Radiation

Radiation/Oncology Building

Mayo Clinic Scottsdale Campus
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Ditch the Hats

 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 2010

Ditch the Hats

I remember saying once (long before I knew I had the VILLAIN), "I would never wear a wig if I ever got cancer" After my diagnosis, knowing that soon chemo would start and I would lose my hair, I talked with Eric about it. He really wanted me to get a wig, so I went off to the wig store (after all, the insurance company was paying for it). This is the conversation between Eric and I
Eric: " I really think you should get a wig."
Me: "No way; why?"
Eric: " well, I think it would be fun to have a brunette or redhead for a wife and think about how much fun we could have walking through the mall or at a restaurant; someone sees me with a redhead or brunette, instantly text messages you to let you know I am cheating on you."
Me: "haha, OK, as fun as that sounds, 1st off, I don't think brunettes or redheads are better than blondes, and 2ND off, if someone we knew saw you with another woman, I doubt that their first inclination would be to text me, but I'm glad you think you could get caught so easily."
Eric: "I'm just kidding. You are the love of my life."
Me: "good answer, but I am not wearing a wig."

I got a wig of $700.00 later (totally covered by insurance). It has hung on a Styrofoam head in my room for 9 months now. It's kinda scary when you walk into the room and see it. Maybe someday I will put it on and wear it for Eric. However, it is the same color as my original hair, so nothing exciting.
So I finally ditched the hats; I have to admit it was a little bit harder than I thought it would be. If I hear one more person say, "at least you have the perfect shaped head," I will throw up. Everyone knows I look weird and funny right now, but it's getting so hot, and the hats make my head sweat. Going out in public without the protection of my hats is hard....but I'm getting used to all the stares I get. Haha!

I know I'm scary looking at little children; it's funny to see their reactions. They are staring so hard they run into things, and then I've heard a few say to their parents, "Mom, why is that lady bald?" a lot of adults pass me in the store with slight glances as if they don't look at me then she doesn't exist" haha HELLO.

I do exist, and I do have feelings ..... I love the people who smile at me and say, "you look beautiful" it means they recognize that I'm going through treatment. When people hug me and tell me they have been through it or someone they know has been through it, I love it. It's comforting to have people ask what type of VILLAIN I have or how long I have been in treatment; it shows that they care and see me. 

Once at the gym, a woman said to me, "Did you do your hair like that on purpose?" I was so shocked I said back to her, "Why does this shirt make me look bald?" (I had on a relay for life shirt) I could laugh; it is funny, you know it is, and it's OK to laugh. I make fun of myself all the time, maybe it's my way of coping, but it does help.

I'm sad to say goodbye to all of my hats but happy about the prospect of new hair and a new life. These pictures are for me to remember the hats that gave me some comfort on the days when I needed them to go out in public. 

Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life

 

TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2010

Anti Cancer

I had an appointment with Dr. Northfelt. He walked in and rubbed the top of my head, I looked up at him, and he had a huge smile. He said, "looks good; I like the new hair."
He wanted to see me this week and explain the next step in my treatments. It's hormone therapy and estrogen treatment. Since he is unsure if I am pre-menopausal or post-menopausal, it is hard to determine how to proceed. He sometimes said chemotherapy would put a woman into menopause and kill the ovaries. He is running some blood tests to check; it's some type of genetics testing, utterly different than the genetics testing I had when I was 1st diagnosed. We will know in ten days. I asked him when he would tell me I am VILLAIN free.... unfortunately, he said for Breast Cancer patients, doctors cannot tell patients that they are VILLAIN free. He would feel good about telling me that when I see him in his office in 30 years. Dr. Northfelt explained to me that when I had my mastectomy, it would be nice for doctors to be able to say the VILLAIN is gone since they removed breasts. However, if that were the case, he wouldn't have had me go through chemotherapy or radiation.

I believe I'm VILLAIN-free, but he will not say it. I came home and did some research online about remission and breast cancer. Everything I found says Dr. Northfelt is right. I may have some cancer cells in my body that will show up later, but until and if that happens, I will live a healthy, happy life, not being restricted to constantly thinking about the VILLAIN.

Before he left the room, he gave me a big hug and told me to keep fighting. He gave me the book's name that he thought I should read. I ordered it on Amazon today. It's written by a doctor who has had cancer twice. I'm excited to read it.

Mother's Day Weekend in Utah

 

MONDAY, MAY 10, 2010

Mother's Day Weekend In Utah

WOW, it's been a while since I've blogged, and our internet has not allowed me to. So here is the update: Eric, Haleigh, and I left on Friday after my radiation appointment to visit Kaitlyn and Brian in Utah. Their house is so cute and totally reflects her personality. On Saturday morning, we went to the Gateway Mall in Salt Lake City, where a VILLAIN walk started and ended.

 The entire Wright family, including spouses, walked, except one of Brian's sisters, Tori. Jamie Patterson, Kelsie Webster, Emily Brinton, and Willi Nixon all walked with us. Over 20,000 people were walking/running. I am not quite up to running yet, but I was proud of myself for being able to walk the entire 5k. 

It was an overwhelming sight to see the road and witness a sea of white and pink VILLAIN shirts. I loved catching up with all of the girls' friends, you know, getting the scoop on who's dating who and all, they are all so cute, and I love them for supporting such a great cause. I also enjoyed talking with Brian's family; they are such a great family, always supportive and kind. 

When all the survivors (wearing PINK) paraded together, they stood on the steps for a tribute and picture. It was amazing to look around and see pink shirts surrounding me, knowing each of these women has a story; they each are part of this world I live in. They understand, and the tears are genuine as they run down our cheeks.

I was searching the crowd for Eric. Our eyes connected. The world that he lives in as a caregiver is a different world than even I understand. Our friends surrounding him could understand his tears. I looked out in the crowd; many were crying. They were shedding tears for someone they know who has survived or lost their lives to the VILLAIN but also for themselves. 

Caregivers desperately stand by watching their loved ones go through the pain they cannot fix. It hit me that Eric is a fixer, and he wants me to be happy and always has tried to protect me and fix what is wrong .... this VILLAIN he could not fix, how hard that must be on him.

We had a great couple of days with Kaitlyn, Brian, and his family. We got on a flight early Sunday morning to talk to Blake on Mother's Day. It was nice to hear his voice and know he is doing well and enjoying his mission. I think he was happy to talk to us too. The language is really coming along for him, and he likes his companion a lot. I told him not to worry about me; I am doing so good, and the Lord is blessing us because of his service. This was such a good weekend for me. Thank you to all my children who make me want to be a better person, who constantly surprise me with their strength and unconditional love. I Love You!!!!

B-is for Brady B-Strong

 

TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2010

B-is for Brady B-Strong

One of the positive things that have come out of my diagnosis with the VILLAIN is the opportunity to meet some of the strongest, bravest people I know. Whenever I go to the Mayo Clinic, the grocery store, or the mall, I am blessed to meet people who will forever stay in my prayers and heart. Last week, at a pizza shop in Tempe, Eric and I met a man who I have been thinking about every day since. He noticed that we had a relay for life sticker in our car and that I was bald. He approached Eric and asked about my VILLAIN. As he and Eric talked, I was in the distance and could tell they were talking about me. The man introduced himself and immediately started to cry, I hugged him, and he told me about his 2-year-old son.

Brady was diagnosed with a rare VILLAIN at age 3 months. He told me that Brady is the youngest to ever be diagnosed. He told of the struggle it has been as a parent to watch his child go through the agony he has endured over the past 2 years. Brady has been put under over 80 times in his short life. He has a breathing tube through his nose, he does not know what it is like to run outside and play, and he will never be able to do the normal things in life that we all take for granted. My heart ached for this man. Both Eric and I got emotional and cried as he spoke. It's much easier to handle when adults are diagnosed; a young child does not understand what is happening to them. This is the only life Brady knows. The man took a bracelet off his arm and gave it to me; it said B-is for Brady B-Strong!!

This week, thinking about Brady made me think about the Savior and the agony and suffering he went through in the Garden of Gethsemane. His Father had to watch HIS son go through the worse pain any person has ever had to endure, and Heavenly Father could have taken it all away and stopped it at any time, but he didn't because it was all part of the plan. I'm sure that our Heavenly Father suffered along with HIS son, knowing the pain he was going through.
As we go through our trials, I'm sure Heavenly Father looks down on us all and wants to take away the pain, he feels our anguish and has the power to take it all away, but he doesn't because this too is part of his plan. Our trials are all part of HIS plan, how we endure and who we become through our trials.

Curing Cancer, Dancer by Dancer

 

SUNDAY, MAY 2, 2010

Curing Cancer, Dancer by Dancer

Through the last 4 weeks of radiation, one of the thoughts that have kept me from going crazy is that I knew Kaitlyn was coming to visit this weekend. Haleigh had her final dance recital at Highland High on Thursday and Friday night, and Kaitlyn wanted to be here for it. When I picked up Kaitlyn from the airport, she got in the front seat. Then suddenly the back door opened and it was Brian; they surprised us all with him coming. What a great end to a long week. We had the most relaxing weekend; I'm sad now that they're gone. I miss Kaitlyn and Brian so much and look forward to when they move back to Arizona.

Friday night, I was on cloud nine, having Kaitlyn and Brian in town. I was happily surprised when I went to the school dance recital. Haleigh is a senior this year and is also the President of One Image (the dance team) at Highland. She had been working so hard on the recital we had no idea exactly what she was working on until we got settled in our seats and the program began. The theme this year was Curing Cancer, Dancer by Dancer.

Haleigh wanted us to be surprised, so she didn't tell us anything about the recital. It was such an emotional night for both Eric and I. Haleigh dedicated one of her dances to me and called it Monya's Song. She danced to the song that plays on my blog. She told me later that she was allowed to hand-pick all the girls that danced with her.  I love all those girls. Haleigh knew they would dance like it was their last dance, and they did. It was beautiful. Eric and I were touched by her spirit, this is her senior year, and she has had to deal with her mom having the VILLAIN the entire year, never complaining. I could tell that this journey of ours has really affected her. This is what she wrote in the program as a dedication to me:

This dance is dedicated to my mom, who was diagnosed last year with breast cancer. She is the strongest person I've ever met, and I admire her so much. Thank you for being the best mom in the world; I love you.

It was overwhelming to see her with such courage and strength as she cried while she danced. She is not a hugely emotional person, and I have seen her be so quiet during the last year; I have been worried that she was not processing, and I was wrong. She was; she just wanted to be strong for me. It's incredible to me the love families can have for each other and the support my children give to one another. I thought it was so sweet for Kaitlyn and Brian to fly down from Utah to see Haleigh dance one last time. Kayla, Jeremy, and Recker were there; my good friend Jenny her daughter and husband Ashley, and Scott Petty and Jamie Patterson all sat with us supporting Hales. The only thing better would have been to have Blake there too. I truly am blessed to have beautiful children, not perfect but excellent; I am also blessed to have the most incredible friends who support me through the good and bad I love you.