Christmas 2024

 You've been gone for ten months now. This is our first Christmas without you. Last night, all I could think about was how many times I drove with you on Christmas Eve to get gift cards for the kids. You loved Christmas, and it's always been a big part of our children's lives. Now, looking back on years past, I want to establish traditions that our children and grandchildren will remember long after I am gone to be with you. I'm not good at traditions, well, coming up with them, so I'll have to ask around.

I woke up, looked at your face on the pillow, and wished you a Merry Christmas. I took a shower and got ready for the day. This year, I didn't put much effort into Christmas decorating. It didn't seem right without you. Nothing seems right without you. I'm still trying to process the fact that you are gone, and what a terribly tragic event I had to watch on that beach when you left me. The nightmares are unbearable.

This Christmas was very quiet; none of the kids came over. I drove to Blake and Chloe's and then Kaitlyn and Brian's homes. Sadly, our grandchildren will not know you and the fun you brought to this family, especially on Christmas Day. Thank you for all the years and Christmases we spent together; they were magical. Oh, and Dr. Lettieri called me today to check on me. I thought that was really sweet of him.

I made fun of you when I opened a Kathy Lee Watch because I knew where you bought it, Walmart, and the night before Christmas. You and Mike Scow went out shopping, buying anything you could just to make us all happy. I still have that watch, and it's in the same box it came in. You swore up and down it wasn't from Walmart, but I knew they were the ones who sold Kathy Lee Watches. We got a lot of laughs out of that. You were such a good sport when I made fun of it. 

I keep thinking about Christmases past and cannot think of one that wasn't full of fun and joy because it was so important to you. When we had our first Christmas together after we got married, we had Kayla and Blake. They were so little, but you made sure Kayla felt extra special that day. Blake, of course, was only a few months old, so we knew he wouldn't remember anyway. I'm sure Kayla doesn't either, but you bought her a little doll, and she loved it. 

I was alone most of the day, and I was okay with it until it got dark. I knew I would be walking up those stairs to bed alone. Now I'm sitting on our bed looking at your pillow and wondering what you are doing today. I wish I knew exactly what happens after death, all I know for sure is that I will see you again, and the covenants that we made in the Temple to each other will be worth this loneliness I'm feeling now. Eternity with you sounds perfect.

I love you so much

Merry Christmas babe

Monya