I spent my day at Mayo Clinic's chemo suite. This time was no different than the last. I had restless legs again during chemo, but the doctor called in some Oxycodone for my pain, and it really helped a lot, along with my Ativan for anxiety; they worked well together.
Tonight, I feel pain in my hips, back, and legs. It seems that the aching in my breasts will never go away. I wish I could say I am used to it, but breasts are a massive part of women and recognizable to us. I just took more meds, and I will soak in a warm bath. This seems to always work for me. Again, food tastes like metal to me, so I will lose some weight until I find something that will taste good. (oranges work this week)
I love music and have received some beautiful music from Debbie and President Slade's family and Norm Watkins and his wife. I want to give a warm thank you to them, this music gets me through some of the roughest days, and I have not given you the acknowledgment that I think you deserve. Listening to the words gives me such a better perspective on my life and my journey and helps me on the days when I feel I cannot go on.
They have become invaluable to me in so many ways, and I thank you so much for taking time out of your busy lives to think of me and know me well enough to know how much I love up-lifting music. I have made promises to the Lord. Because of the music, there are days that I can go forward and listen to Heavenly Father's calls. I am ready to put all my trust in the Lord's hands and finish this battle with dignity.
Being a good mother and wife has always been my priority. I wish I could say I have always 100% been the absolute best at both. I have made too many mistakes along the way. Still, because of the Atonement and the teachings of Steve Petersen, I have read every scripture on the Atonement. I do not fully understand the concept of the pain Jesus went through in the Garden of Gethsemane. Still, I do understand this. He did it because he loves me. He loves you, and he wants us to be happy in our lives. Being happy means sometimes we have to raise the bar, which seems way too hard.
Our Savior wants to see us if he has our hearts with him, which means some raging fires to hurdle over. The Lord gives us a more fierce desire to stand against the brutal winds; he wants us to feel and share more love. I believe Heavenly Father wants us to love ourselves so that more of us can give. I know he wants more of me, and we all can do a little better.
I want to be able to give more of myself, more love, put more purpose behind it, more faith and patience. To be more and more like him, who gave us life.
We have made all these promises if we will give our all. Now it is time to do our part. Take at least one day this week and try to think only of someone else and not yourself, do something to make someone else feel his love for them. I know for me, my heart is fixed on getting home to him, who loves me so much and has blessed my family immeasurably.
There is more hope, more purpose in this world, and I commit to putting on my Temple voice and strengthening my heart by serving others. There may be someone in our own family who needs to see the light in your soul. Because of the Atonement of Christ, Heavenly Father knew we would make mistakes, but he also gave us a plan that allows us to be forgiven and move forward with a fullness of heart, leaving all sin behind.
To do this without being resentful, I have learned that you have already had to give your entire soul to him, dedicate your life to his teachings, and be ready for when he calls upon you to do hard things. Right now is the time for us to stand as Soldiers. The Lord is harboring the strong to go out and serve him; are you ready when he whispers to your soul?
And when he offers to send you, if you are faithful and anchored in the gospel, you will be ready, no matter the challenge. Some journeys are more complex than others, and sometimes it is hard to understand why. I, along with many other worthy people, wish we could answer these questions.
When chains are around your heart, it is possible to have those chains broken; only by putting on the whole armor of God, going out and finding other broken hearts, and helping them find the way back to the Lord's Mercy. Which we all, no matter what we have done, deserve. When the clouds break, they give light, broken lives, soil gives grain, broken bread feeds man for one more day. I genuinely believe that the Lord loves and wants us to seek out Broken things and give them hope once again.
