Find Me-Frozen Inside

Monday, SEPTEMBER 29, 2014

Find Me-Frozen Inside

There have been times when I've wanted to curl up and stay in the safety of a cocoon, much like a butterfly does. I've had days when I feel locked in a glass house with no way out and everyone watching. I want to fly free; I'm emotionally healing much slower than I expected. I'm trying hard to break out of the prison walls I've built around myself. I wish I had someone to talk to. I need to gain my grasp and be more authentic with people. I hide how tearfully hard it is for me not to be able to smile a big full smile; my frailties are being masked by a strong woman who has difficulty admitting her weaknesses.

I sometimes ache, trying so hard to hold back smiles or laughter for fear of what I look like to others. I caught myself wanting to laugh when I heard Ezra's huge belly laugh--he is so cute--but I caught my reflection in the mirror of our entryway and suddenly realized, "this is what other people see" This immediately took me down to a low I can't explain. I still feel so much Happiness in my heart & want to share it, especially with my grandchildren, but for some reason, I've let the adversary control my thoughts. The confusion contradicts what I feel inside, I don't understand it, so I do not expect anyone else to understand it. I'm trying my hardest to Live Happily. I love serving others; it warms my heart and lightens my load.

I love the Happiness Movement the United Nations agreed upon; the decision was made that the day will continue on March 20 of every year. I know and believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference, a rippling effect that can be wrapped around the hearts of people worldwide, regardless of race, culture, religious belief, or lifestyle. I am an ambassador of Happiness, but I still want to know if that contradicts how I feel on some days. I feel like I am on display; I see how people look at me and then quickly look away. I know because I, too, have done it. I've said on this blog that I don't believe people, in general, are vindictive or mean any harm; it's natural for a person to take a double look at something that is not what they are used to seeing. I just never thought I would be the one on display. I see them look, then look away and whisper to their friend, mother, or neighbor; they both look and quickly turn their back to me, usually because they know I have just seen what they did. The only thing that really holds me together is knowing He sees me, the REAL me--He knows I want to be me again; the sad part is because of what I've experienced, I know I will never be the same again. Although I didn't ask for this experience, I'm living it. I also realize that I have control over how I deal with the inner aching I continue to feel. I may not oversee my trials, but I have control over how I deal with them, and I choose to take it slow, understanding all that is expected of me, then proceed forward in faith and with a desire to continue to be the best I can be.

On the days when I work at UsAirways, the security guard always asks me, "how are you doing today, Monya?" and my answer is always the same "better than I was yesterday" I wrestle with what has been lost in my life, it's more than just dealing with cancer with and all the side effects. I carry a crushing weight on my shoulders when I cannot achieve my goals. I can't do this alone; my soul is tired and needs rest. I've pleaded for help so many times I seriously think I don't have any tears left to cry.
I'm giving my all, but sometimes I want to avoid hearing the answers. Saying I'm deaf is an understatement. I am so vulnerable right now; I know I need to be willing to put all my trust in the Lord's hands once more. I've been down this road before; I know this feeling. Taking a step forward is challenging, and it hurts to look backward. I want peace to speak louder than my fear. I have asked again, and again, and again "what am I supposed to learn" "What do you want me to do next?" When I'm finally ready to listen, I will go and be or do what He needs me to do.

I know this fear and pain that I am feeling needs to be turned over to the Lord, but for today, just for now, I'm frozen inside. I have no regrets; I've felt this pain before, and I will not bury it; I know I have to live it, and when I'm living in those shadows, He will find me, take me by the hand, and lead me to a brighter place.

LABELS: BLESSINGS, CANCER, FAITH, HEARING, HOPE, JOURNALING, LIVE HAPPY, LIVING, LOVE, MAYO CLINIC, PAIN, PEACE, SMILING, TRIALS 

Find strength in Adversity

 

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2014

Finding strength in Adversity

I just can't seem to sleep tonight. I am in a hotel room in Dallas, listening to my favorite VonSlade family sing to me and then Josh Menden--I am tearful today. I have felt the Lord's love and trust in His plan for me. I have seen angels with different faces lift me up. Sometimes those angels come at the most unexpected times; today was one of those days. A man named Kym was my angel today, and I know the Lord directed him to me for a purpose. Kym has no idea how he helped me; I'm not sure he had any intention of helping me, but today because of Him. I learned that I DECIDE which life I want to lead; I am authoring the story of my life and getting to decide how it will end. Don't worry; it's a Happily Ever After completion.

Many of my readers know me, some not personally, but through my blog, you have listened to my stories, and we have laughed, cried, and ranted together. Sitting in this hotel, my heart is beating in my chest, and it's hard to hold back the tears; my faith has taken deeper and stronger roots than I ever imagined I could. I have never felt the peace I am feeling right now; I will never be the same as I was 5 years ago; there is no looking back; I am forging forward. I know what HOPE is, and I have so many good reasons to believe through my Faith and Hope; even if I am not entirely healed when a person looks at me with the naked eye, I am beginning to recover from the inside out, He knows the strength I have, and the purpose of all things happening in my life. Everyone around me who loves and genuinely cares for me sees the heart inside me, but I feel bad that they must look at me with anxiety and fear of hurting me. I am dealing with this adversity differently than when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm not sure why, mostly because I, too, have bought into the belief a person's physical appearance is the first thing people see ... the face. I took my smile for granted, and I miss it. I want to laugh again, out loud with my friend Jenny; I want to jump on the Hotel beds and act like little girls again--but I fear that childhood innocence is gone; I know too much; I've seen and felt too much to ever go back to who I was before the paralysis.

I know the best is yet to come; I can look forward with faith, knowing I am responsible for being the REAL authentic ME, which hasn't changed. I wake up every day grateful for one that I woke up and two that it's always a good day to have a good day. I've climbed towering mountains and stumbled over a few hills; through every bend in the road, I feel like I had done what was right when no one was around; I have lived with integrity. I know my family, the girls, Chloe, and the boys, including Blake, Brian, Scott, and Jeremy. Eric, Recker, and Ezra are number one in my life. I want them to learn to open their hearts and listen harder, look for a good purpose, help others who have less than us, give a smile, or open a door, say please, and thank you--when we do this together, we shine bright for the world to see that we can make a change, each of us day by day, tiptoe by tiptoe those good deeds when practiced daily, will soon turn into HUGE GIANT steps towards the YOU you were meant to be. Choose your destiny, and remember your children are watching you; the choices you make, they will mimic because you are their HERO.

Making Connections

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2014

Making Connections

Ford Trimotor 

Today while working at USAirways, I received an incoming call from the cutest couple. They were each on the phone line, one in the kitchen, and one in the bedroom. They made a reservation with me, and the gentleman asked me what aircraft it was; I told him it was a CRJ. Then he told me a story about when he was around twelve (born in 1928). He and his friends were playing in a farmer's harvest, and the owner approached the boys and asked them if they would like to spin in his Ford Trimotor airplane. He said to me, "I don't think I ever did tell my parents that story" When I asked him if it was because he thought he would be in trouble, his response was so sweet; he said, "no, I knew they would not be upset, I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to be sad knowing they would never in their lifetime have the opportunity to fly" His wife was on the other end of the phone with the kindest voice saying "Oh darling, we need to let this girl get to work"  I loved to hear her laugh, while I was preparing their itinerary they were talking as if I couldn't listen to them. It reminded me of Vi and Ray--I asked them how long they had been married, and they laughed; both were so cute. He said he was around sixty-eight, but they had known each other since childhood.
This was such a polite conversation; I loved it so much because they had no idea what I looked like; a voice on the other end of the phone was kind and considerate, as they were with me also.

They were going to the funeral of their son. " I'm so sorry; it must be a difficult situation to have your son pass away before you do," she said "no, he was old,  lived a good life, and was struggling with cancer the past few years, so we are glad he is no more pain, I wouldn't mind visiting him soon"  Then they laughed again....under normal circumstances I would have felt uncomfortable, and wondered what to say to that, but I didn't I fully understood.

This has been a tough week for me, I never thought It would matter to me what people think about my face, but it does. I went to a Spanish-speaking meeting with one of my partners. Have you ever felt like someone was looking at you? You know the feeling I'm talking about; you want to look back at them to see if your feeling was right. I did; I looked at these two women who were talking about me in Spanish; I know this because the older woman looked at me and whispered something to her daughter (it was her daughter, not cheerful). Then they both looked at me, and the mother made this extraordinary face; again, they both looked at me. At that very moment, I was more vulnerable than I had ever felt. I could not concentrate on the speaker after that happened; some of that was because it was entirely in Spanish. I wanted to leave, but I didn't. I stood tall and made it through. I don't see any changes in my face, and I know when I smile, it is crooked, so it looks different. I love to laugh and smile--that has been temporarily taken away from me.

I know I will never look the same; I can recover and reprogram my brain, but I will re-form into a different person--hopefully better, stronger, and happier than I have ever been. I trust in the Lord and his plan for me; it's so hard on days like today when the reality of how I look is slammed in my face by others. I have a new journey that I can recover from. Hopefully, one day I will be on the other end of a phone conversation making a reservation and be able to smile with my heart as this couple did.

LABELS: CANCER, JOURNALING, LIVE HAPPY, USAIRWAYS 

Why are you happy?

 

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2014

Why are you happy?

I was recently asked, "why are you happy, and how do you remain happy?" The truth is, I must work on Happiness every day of my life. I did not intend to be diagnosed with late stages of breast cancer or the following side effects. I thought at the time it was a joke; I was still going to continue training for that Marathon I always wanted to run. I was happy; I had the life I always dreamed of, stay-at-home mom, room mother for all four of my children's classrooms, and I loved driving the girls to dance and Blake to baseball. Good friends and a wonderful family surrounded my life.

 I have always been a runner, kickboxer, cycler, core trainer, and weightlifter, this was my life, and I loved every second of it. The day I had to listen to a doctor explain what type of cancer I had, I did not respond; Eric was crying; it was such a blur. Why was he crying? This is not real; we will get a second opinion, and of course, I will continue to train because this is not real. Even now, when I look back at that day, how I responded amazes me: no tears or emotion. Blake was at the airport flying up to Utah to see his girlfriend Lecith, and Kaitlyn was living in Utah, going to school and loving life. She had found the man of her dreams, and I could not be happier with her choice. Eric called Blake and asked him to come home, but he wouldn't. He told Eric to just tell him what was up. When Eric told him, he was angry, thinking we knew for a while and just didn't tell him. I explained to him the doctor had just told me I had no idea. We did not hear from or see Blake for a week. He went to Utah and would not answer his phone. We then called Kaitlyn to tell her, and she reacted just like I did, with no emotion--however, Brian told me later that she was distraught. She thought like I did. This was just a little thing that would go away. Kayla, Jeremy, and Haleigh met us at the house, and I remember Eric standing in the kitchen sink. The kids and I were sitting at the table, and I just said, "I have cancer" Immediately, silence entered the room. Kayla started to cry, Eric was still crying, Jeremy was in a sullen mood, unsure how to react, but asked if I wanted a blessing. Haleigh, she was and is my baby girl. This announcement could not have come at a worse time for her. It was a week before her senior year of High School.

Since that day, I have had to learn to smile with my eyes and listen with my heart. I had no idea what would explode in our lives as the Villain took over. Suddenly, the "things" that were so important to me were insignificant. During the first three years, I never went one minute without thinking about the Villain; every appointment, bone scan, MRI, and test gave me anxiety. I still get anxious when I step off the elevator onto the third floor of the Mayo Clinic; I can smell the chemo, and the sickness is in the air.

Tonight, I just can't sleep. My mind is racing; I feel unprepared for this trial I am having now. I need some calmness in my life. I just want to fall asleep and be with Eric's mom and Dad, dream of being in a safe place, with no pain, no hurt, and in the arms of people who unconditionally love me. I must remind myself every day of the many blessings I have. I see my reflection in the mirror and want to cry. I don't expect anyone to understand. Now, I must learn to accept the person I see in the mirror and remember to smile with my eyes. I loved Elder Holland's talk about depression. I have read it repeatedly. Depression is REAL. If you have ever experienced it, you know what I am talking about. When Robin Williams took his life recently, much discussion was about his selfishness. I cannot completely understand his reasons. My heart was with him. How well he hid his depression and made us all laugh while he was struggling with his own demons.

A person cannot go through some of the things I have endured and be unchanged. To the people who feel discouraged, and misunderstood, have faith, hold onto the knowledge you have of Hope for a better day. I loved it when Elder Holland said, "Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can ever comprehend" It's incredible to me that the love He has for us never leaves. He will always love us. That love is unconditional. I am happy all the time. That simply would not be true, I struggle with it daily, but I know it is a choice, and it feels better than being depressed. You can wake up every day and decide to make the most of the life you have been given. It does not necessarily mean changing your world but how you look at it.

What is a Saint?

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2014

What is a Saint?

When I think of someone as a Saint, my mind immediately goes to Viola Williams, Eric's Mom. In my eyes, she could do no wrong; she actively would seek out the weak and weary and take them into her home for comfort from their worldly worries. The knock on the door was often in the early morning or late night, but she never turned anyone away; she loved unconditionally. Life to her was beautiful; she was raised in humble circumstances, served a mission in Hawaii, and married the love of her life Ray Williams. Ray was a postal worker, and she was an accountant. I never saw them quarrel; they learned the art of laughter and happiness together as they struggled through life's challenges together; I miss them both dearly. I look to Vi as my ultimate example and know without a doubt I will feel her loving arms around me again when I leave this life and start my new journey.

Someone recently told me, "You are a saint." To that person, I said, "I am not a Saint unless you think of a Saint as a sinner who just keeps trying to be better than they were the day before." 

Honestly, I keep tracing the steps of where I've been these past 5 years and cannot comprehend how I've been able to continue on. I read some of my old blog posts, and I can see the Lord's handwriting those words; he has been with me every step.

With this past trial, I am trying to deal with, I feel very vulnerable; it's hard to speak sometimes to people, my eyes tear up. The aching of this is so real to me; I remember not getting the Villain out of my head; it was a day-to-day struggle, fighting to stay alive. I have poured out my heart and soul to the Lord, sometimes feeling his loving arms around me and sometimes deserted and alone. The feeling of peace and knowing His grace remains with me has certainly gotten me through some unbearable times.

While talking to Doctor Northfelt, I told him it's hard for me to look in the mirror and be ok with what I see. This is a change even I have to get used to seeing; right now, I am dealing with it my way. It's hard to feel attractive for my husband; I wonder if I am sexy to him anymore. Will I be able to live with this face if I have to? I asked Eric if he is embarrassed to walk with me or hold my hand in public; I knew his answer, but I still needed to ask. This transitional period is challenging, very hard. I'm grateful for Dr. Northfelt; although I shared with him not all of what I just transferred here, he is always so good at listening.

 The people who know me know my heart, which has not changed. I sometimes feel lonely; when I was going through chemo and radiation, I had a support group, people I could talk to who were either going through it themselves or had already been down that road. We all had similar feelings and could help each other get through the bad days. I don't have anyone to talk to; I don't know anyone who has been through this life-altering trauma. I do my best to keep positive, but smiling is tricky because it looks so weird; one side smiles while the other is "normal"  Even when I am happy, I catch a glimpse of what I look like when I smile and it is hideous to look at. So this leaves me in a predicament, do I never smile or laugh again? No, it does mean that I need to learn to smile with my eyes, and listen with my heart, knowing others who love me don't see that ugly smile. They see the heart of the same ole' 'say it like it is' Monya.

 I quit trying to understand why or how this happened. I instead have been focusing on happiness; what does happiness mean to me? In December, after my 1st ear surgery, a dear friend called me and invited me to a Nerium event, the 1st three times, I said I'd be there but either forgot, or simply didn't want to know what it was. I don't remember, but Shelli reminds me of it. Finally, she invited Eric and me to the Barrett Jackson event; I didn't want to go, but Eric wanted to get me out of the house. I was still feeling post-surgical pain, so I sat with the girls in Shelli's Nerium boot; II sat and observed (you know how I love to people watch) there were a ton of men coming up and buying this cream at the time I thought they were probably just coming back because all of these girls are drop dead gorgeous. I observed the interaction these girls had with people, then I was approached by Liz Decker. She said, "so what do you know about Nerium?" I said, "Nothing, but I want in, it's time for me to get out of this cancer world, and I heard you mention you are all going to St Louis in April; sign me up for that too; I need a girls trip" I went to St. Louis had an incredible time watching person after person serve and help each other. It really was quite impressive; EVERYONE was so happy. This was precisely what I needed, get out of my cancer world and start living my life with friends I had excluded because of my diagnosis. Shortly late,r I had the emergency surgeries at Mayo Clinic, all those Nerium people came to visit me; that pierced my heart, knowing these people are REALLY genuine. Then when I went to Cleveland Clinic for 7 weeks, they supported me and kept in touch. I continued to share my thoughts about Nerium with people and even shared enough to sign up a partner from a bed with my computer. I gave out Live Happy Magazines to everyone; day by day, I could see and feel myself gaining confidence in who I am again. I was welcomed back with open arms and tearful eyes when I came home. We took off again just where I left off, not skipping a beat or feeling vulnerable at all with them; my face is different; II thought it would be a deterrent and was afraid to face them; this is an excellent anti-aging company promoting beauty and looking younger, how in the world can I represent them? Now that I look back on that, I can see the Lord's hand leading me and guiding me to this place I thought I could never be in again. With that, I have to say "thank you" to all my Nerium Family, who has truly loved me like family. I may not be moving as quickly as I had goal initially, I've learned the goal is still the same, the timing is just different, and finally, I've learned that those who genuinely love you will never leave you; this, my friends are unconditional love, so Saint I may never be, but trying to be better day by day, yes I can do that.

• ll

Botox...Seriously?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2014

Botox...Seriously?

Yesterday I was at work sitting at my desk, and a girl walked up to me and whispered, "where did you get your Botox done on your forehead" I whispered back with a shhh and finger over my crooked mouth. "Are you kidding me? She said I don't have Botox, "then why doesn't your eyebrow move?" "Umm, because I have a partial facial paralysis." she then said, "Oh, you were gone for a while and I just assumed when I saw you that you must have had some Botox, or plastic surgery done." Again, I'm laughing inside. Still, I replied as I took off my reading glasses "look at me, I mean really look at me, does it look like I had plastic surgery? If this is the result of plastic surgery, I got ripped off." 

Wednesday, I had an appointment with Dr. Barrs at Mayo Clinic. I was a little anxious to see him and to see what his reaction to me would be. I love him and was worried he would be upset with me for going to Cleveland Clinic. I couldn't of been more wrong; he came in with his big smile, arms out, reached for a hug, and said, "As I live and breath, who is this beautiful patient?" Pleased as I could be, I jumped up and hugged him back. I told him I felt like I was HOME at Mayo Clinic, not that there was really anything I didn't like about Cleveland Clinic, but there is a reason Mayo comes in #1 every year with ratings from patients and medical statistics. I told him Dr. Haberkamp was great to work with and that my leaving had nothing to do with him; it was the procedure the other Doctor proposed at Mayo. I was just jabbering. He shook his head and said, "I was never upset or took it personally." even if that was not really how he felt, he was classy enough to make me believe him. He sat on the chair before me and wanted to hear the Cleveland Clinic experience. I also told him Dr. Haberkamp said he wanted us to tell Dr. Barrs his work on my ear was impeccable.
He examined my ear and said everything looked good, but we will need MRIs a couple of times a year on the head. Kathleen came in to visit with me; she is beautiful inside and out, and was so concerned about me, she embraced me as she left the examining room and said "I love you"

  My eye is still the biggest concern now, he agrees but I'm doing all I've been asked to do. Cleveland Clinic is calling to schedule the next surgery, I told Erin (gastman's PA) I can't think about that right now. That chapter needs to end, ironically enough I think it's just the beginning of the end. This is so hard.

Today, Friday I had the privilege of seeing my oncologist Dr. Donald Northfelt. I think for most cancer patients this is a bitter/sweet appointment to have. I started to fret and worry last night, my mind has been so pre-occupied lately with all that has happened, I have not let my  brain think of today. No panic attacks getting off the 3rd floor elevator today, that's progress. Maryann came in to see me, greeted me with a huge hug, we both had tears. She is incredibly insightful, when I was in Cleveland she said a prayer with me over the phone. We visited awhile, it felt warm and loving to be with "my" people again--I know both Mayo Clinic campus's like the back of my hand, but today being back was a feeling of reunion, rather than burden. Anxiously waiting to see Dr. Northfelt, I am so grateful I listened to the spirit when I was led to him for my oncologist, I love him. He went over my blood work and said it looks good right now. For me, for right now, as in today, this is who I needed to see. Dr. Northfelt promised to be with me the entire journey and so far, he has, he gets it. Once he was done with his report and examination, he sat down looked at me, no words needed to be said, I could tell by looking in his eye's he could feel my burden was heavy. We talked a bit about the past few months, but didn't hover...we moved on to happier thoughts. I told him about working with Nerium and how positive the atmosphere is for me. I also explained to him about the Live Happy Movement trying to get more happiness in the world by spreading my own happy thoughts with others hoping they will also spread the word to BE HAPPY no matter what the circumstance. We had a great visit, I will never be able to articulate the feelings I have of HOPE just because he is who he is, not only a wonderful doctor but knowing he deals with people like me everyday, I always feel like I am his only patient, and that he loves me.

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Back To Work

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014

Back to Work

I decided to go back to work; my doctors in Cleveland would have wanted me to wait a bit longer, but I couldn't sit around. I look in the mirror and I am still not ready to accept what I see; I really thought I was. Last week I finished my work; it was a difficult transition, and my eye continued to be annoyed. Cleveland Clinic PA told me to massage the lower lid to strengthen the muscle; I have been doing that, but still, it waters constantly to the point of not being able to see out of my right eye. Mayo Clinic says I have chronic dry eye, which is weird since it always waters. They are trying to fit me in this week. Work was challenging; my foot was so swollen by the end of each day, I had a tough time getting my shoes on. I tried to spend the weekend elevating it; I don't have a vital education about how nerves all I know is it takes a year for things to truly heal. If this last surgery did not work, this is what is next. They will make an incision from my hairline, ear to ear, pull back my face, take the nerve from the left side, and attach it to the right side, then wait another year.

Being at work, I felt vulnerable as I walked into the building; I usually like to smile and greet people with a happy attitude. Alot of people did not recognize me with my short hair and odd-looking face. I even had someone ask if I gained all my weight while I was gone...Yes, I did...I was on two different steroids and ballooned up a bit. I am now off them and back to my regular eating habits to get back to my average weight. When others notice, then it must be a noticeable change.

I am always amazed at what my brain can retain, and what takes time to recall. My job at US Airways is in the International Reservations Department. There is a lot of information most people take for granted that they know how to do. I've realized, since being back, how amazing my brain is. Reactivating those brain cells and muscles, I have not used for a few months, is slowly coming back without having to look at my notes.

I am struggling to keep my spirits up and stay positive. One way I do this is to continue to read an enjoyable book every day for 30 minutes...this gives me HOPE in my purpose in life. It is so easy to wonder "why" when that happens; I have to get on my knees and say, "thank you for this trial,  I am trying so hard to understand; please give me guidance and strength to know what to do, now that it is done there is not much I can do to change it, but now it is time for reality and for me to live with it, I accept that, but please help me along the way, give those nudges of the spirit when I am bombarded with doubt." 

I marvel at my ignorance; I once thought I had all I could deal with as a youth, and that my Heavenly Father had given me quite a challenge to overcome, and when I finally did and was able to truly forgive and move forward, I just knew that was it for me ... If I could overcome that, I would be left alone for life... no more trials. He really does give us what He knows we can handle, but He is also trying to teach me something through all this. I had a dream that allowed me to see and was explicitly told that I have a purpose here on earth; it's just so hard to grasp what I've been asked to do and not say, "why? Why me? I try to believe that I am of infinite worth and that I should be saying "why not" Maybe because I know all my faults and know the things I need to work on, I am not a particular person, no different than anyone else, the world is filled with people who are struggling. A part of me wants to negotiate my way out of this one.

My Recker Love

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2014

My little Recker Love

How can anyone look at this sweet spirit
and be cruel? 

I am so upset tonight that I cannot sleep, thinking about our special grandson. He is in pre-school, and he has parents who care for him. Kayla is protective and knowledgeable about Autism. Today, I'm sad that he could not defend himself while in the care of the school system.

I thought it would have been another child who hurt him, but it was an adult.

He was treated like an animal on a leash; what a horrible sight to see when his respite worker picked him up from school. Kayla is devastated; my tears and prayers are for this sweet little angel tonight.

I don't know what I can say specifically about the case, but my heart is bursting with pain. I wish people would listen with their hearts, and say to themselves, "kindness begins with me."

Recker has Autism-He is NOT a
burden; he is misunderstood.
Sometimes he just needs to run free.

Beauty is from Within

THURSDAY JULY 10014

Beauty is from within

I don't know where to start. It's difficult to type, but I need to record what happened this past week. I was so happy when Eric came for my surgery; he makes everything better, we have never been apart for this long and it has been hard on both of us. Seven weeks of waiting is a difficult road to ride. I read my new Live Happy Magazine over and over, Knowing I Can Make a Difference--figuring out how the hard part was.

On July 3, at the Cleveland Clinic around 5:30 am, Eric and Diana were with me. As I paced the floor, not wanting anyone to talk to me or touch me, I realized I was having a panic attack and prayed to Heavenly Father to take this pain and anxiety away. He did, and I was soon off to the O.R. to get dressed in the hospital gown--It doesn't matter what hospital you're in; the robes are all the same.
Before Eric came back to see me off to surgery, I said several quick prayers asking Heavenly Father to watch over the surgeon's hands and asked if it were His will that he would allow me to heal from this odd, unexpected trial I was facing. I wanted to put my head under the pillow and hold it down so I could scream, cry and forge through this quickly.

Frenchy sending me off to surgery.

Ready for Surgery with Diana Lents

Eric kissed me on the forehead as they wheeled me into the OR; it was challenging to maintain my composure, tears flowed from my eyes and onto my pillow. Down the hallways of Cleveland Clinic, I saw a wall with 30-50 white coats hanging on hooks; I started to cry again. Those coats belong to doctors who will come to the hospital, take their white coats off the hook, and go to work. The tears continued to flow as nurses came up to me, asking what they could do for me--I shook my head back and forth and watched them walk away, not knowing what to do. I wanted them to put me out and get going on this surgery. I always look forward to going to my Happy Place in Paris Port Jaune; Eric and I pick wildflowers, ride bikes, and have a picnic, leaving the rest of the world and worries behind. I'm ready to move on with the surgery and hopefully put this chapter to rest,

This picture still brings me to tears; Eric is the
the most positive person I know--thank you Frenchie

I woke up in recovery in a lot of pain; I was trying to process where the pain was coming from, as the Nurse said, "Mrs. Williams, time to wake up. Do you know where you are?" "How many fingers am I holding up?" It was then that I realized the surgery was over; my immediate response was to touch my head to see what damage had been done. It was an 11-hour surgery, lots of anesthesia, blood, and what's this? A neck brace--I'm confused--Eric and Diana came into recovery; Eric told me I was beautiful. I thought his saying I was beautiful was so sweet, and I knew it wasn't true; how could I be beautiful with blood all over me, a swollen head, and staples making their way down my skull like a train track?

Just out of surgery

So happy to be with this guy

a kiss from Frenchy

Going back to my room, I kept going in and out of consciousness; not only does Cleveland have bumpy roads, but the driver taking me back to the room was also bumping into walls and doors. He also asked me what I would like him to sing for me, really? He wanted to sing; I said OK, Luther would be good, so he started singing Luther Vandross 'Here and Now' I told him it was beautiful, but not to quit his day job. He put his pointer finger to his mouth as if to shhh me. We arrived at my room; I had a few minutes before Eric and Diana came so I cried a little. I was overwhelmed with immediate love and peace when Eric walked into my room. With Eric, I don't have to say a word and he knows what I think. I sure don't want to disappoint him; he has been my rock and my friend Mysti has been with me through all this nonsense,

 On day two at the hospital, it was a Holiday..the 4th of July. The doctors on my team sent their residents to visit me. One resident told me he was there in place of my pain doctor, and he would put in orders for my pain medicine. Within a half hour, my pain slowly rose to a 6; I beeped for the Nurse and asked her for pain medicine. She said she would get it right away; within a few more minutes, my pain rose to level seven. I beeped for the Nurse again, asking for pain medicine. She then told me the resident did not put any orders in for pain medicine...WHAT? By now, I was at level eight going on nine ...the pain was so bad I started to cry, then I asked the Nurse to please call my husband; just wanted him there. From this point on, I tried to process happy thoughts and happy moments; sometimes worked sometimes it just didn't. I stared at the clock, not only waiting for the meds but also wanting Eric to be with me; he always makes things better. I was out of breath and crying so hard, trying to catch my breath I was sobbing in pain. The sweet Nurses rubbed my arms and legs trying to help, but she too was crying so we were not getting too far. I tried to sing "Be still my soul" through the gulps of air, then I sang "Come thou font."  Trying to tune my heart to Him. I sang, "I feel my Savior's Love"

  My room was right in front of the nurse's desk so they could watch me and monitor my pain levels. I was staring at the clock and whimpering loudly, out of control. I was on my own, I felt deserted, left alone, scared, and crying the hardest I ever had in my life. I was yelling in between cries, "Why have you ignored my pleas and prayers?" This was going to be my last day on earth, and I would not be able to say goodbye to Eric. Before every surgery, I write a letter to Eric and each one of my children. I paged the Nurse and asked her if she had contacted Eric, she said no, I asked her to please give him the letters in my backpack in case I didn't make it.

The other patients in the area where I was were complaining, telling the nurses to get my doctor or move them so they wouldn't have to hear me--I tried so hard to stop crying, the nurses were coming in saying how sorry they were, but they couldn't do anything until they heard from the doctor. I could hear nurses at the station outside of my room, they were laughing and joking with each other. The cackling of laughter I heard I will never forget. My desperate cry for help was falling on deaf ears. After an hour and sixteen minutes, the resident came into my room. He walked up to me and said "Why are you crying? It can't hurt that bad." I was covering my mouth because I knew I must have looked horrible. Then he said something that made me want to kick him "Why are you covering your mouth?" Looking back on this I say, "Are you kidding me?" I also recognize he was showing off as the senior resident to the junior residents. I didn't respond except with a cry and a loud scream "Please help me" Finally the pain medicine was surging through my veins with purpose and strength. As he walked out of the room, I heard the Nurse ask "Where have you been for an hour and 15 minutes? We have been paging you?" Arrogantly as possible he turned looked at the Nurse and said, "I don't have to answer to you."  When I could finally speak without trembling, I didn't want to, I just wanted Eric. I had been wailing and gnashing from side to side for an hour and 15 minutes, it took every bit of energy I had. My heart was racing but my blood pressure was low. When Eric arrived all was calm, he had no idea except he asked me "Sweetheart have you been crying?"  Uh--just a bit and I could see the hurt in his eyes as I told him, Eric said no one ever called him, which now in retrospect I realize was best. He never gets mad, but I'm sure this was not going to be acceptable behavior, I know he would have gone crazy seeing me in that much pain.

Today I had my post-op appointments with the surgeons, and they told me my ear looks great and everything is healing perfectly. Still, I am in a lot of pain, and I just want to go home.

I was told I can go home, and that I will need to see Doctor Barrs for the next few weeks, then in two months we will see how the nerve in my face has regenerated. The doctors told me this type of major surgery with nerves takes at least six to eight months to see results, so patience is going to be my middle name. Tonight, I am exhausted from the appointments, I am grateful for Dr. Haberkamp. I hope I never see Dr. Cocky Face again. I am looking forward to seeing my family. The happiness I feel in my heart far outweighs the horrible experience I had at the hospital. I'm going to live happily with the results of my surgery no matter what.

Happiness comes from within and is found in the present moment by making peace with the past and looking forward to the future. Eric was right when he said "You are beautiful"

I think I look terrible here, but my sister
said, "well you have no wrinkles, Nerium
is working"  

I was able to send those beautiful nurses who took such great care of me a note telling them how grateful I was for their compassion during a horrible time.