Another Dreaded Day In My Journey

 

Haleigh, Kayla, Sonya, Jenny, Kara, and Tamy took the picture.

I knew this day was coming but genuinely have been filing it away, hoping to never have to look at it. Not only did I look at it today, but I also faced it head-on.
The fear of losing my hair has been lingering in my mind, and I can always push it away with the distraction of Kaitlyn's wedding. Over the past month or so, my sweet husband has been trying to tactfully bring it up and discuss it, but I have not been open to that discussion, pretty much cutting him off at the knees when he brings it up. My good friend and hairdresser Kara Ellingson brought it up to me, and we made the appointment for yesterday, November 20th, at 3:00 pm. 
All week I have been extremely sick and not thinking about my hair. The side effects of chemotherapy have hit me like a brick. However, I also know that chemo is what is going to save me.
I had my support system with my sister Sonya, daughters Kayla and Haleigh, and friends Jenny Ruttinger and Tamy Scheurn. I wished that Kaitlyn (on her honeymoon...fun), Kris (sister in Louisiana), and Mysti Brown (good friend out of town) could have been with me also; they were with me in spirit, I'm sure.

My body is so weak, and I hope my spirit will not give out on me during this process. I want to kneel and pray before I leave the house, but I am so angry right now; cutting my hair is not my choice; again, The VILLAIN is in control. I am feeling very vulnerable; the prayer that is my heart is starting to bubble up to the tears in my eyes. Hoping and wanting this to go away, but we drive closer and closer to our destination, my heart is beating a million miles a minute. Jenny is talking to me; I'm trying to keep up with the conversation. I love her so much and don't want to be rude, it sounds strange, but I'm thinking about my Aunt Pam making chocolate and coconut pies for Thanksgiving. Sonya told me yesterday that she has Grandma Belshe's recipe and likes to make those....talk about a distraction. I enjoyed that one for a few minutes. We are on Gilbert Road, crossing Brown Road, as I tell Jenny to turn left on Gary, and Kara's house is the 1st on the left. Funny, I have been getting my hair cut by Kara for about 13 years. This was the 1st time I ever resented coming to see her. 

We all walked into the salon, and I sat in the chair, feeling like I was going to the electric chair. I love Kara, she started to talk to me about some options, and I began to cry.  I could see the tears welling up in her eyes too.  I felt so bad; I don't want to make anyone cry. By then, I think it was too late. They were all crying. I tried to grab them all and say, "sorry, I'm so sorry you are enduring this with me, please help me make this decision" the options were:

1. cut it short and have fun with a different style for a week or two (and maybe the transition will be more accessible when it all falls out)
2. Shave it off start wearing a scarf or wig; the transition is obvious
I decided a long time ago I wanted to keep my hair and try and sew it on Velcro strips. My thought was that maybe I could Velcro some of my own hairpieces into some hats or beanies. 

My mind is so swamped right now that it's hard for me to make the decision, so we as a group decided to cut it short and enjoy it for a couple of weeks. 

As Kara pigtailed it and prepared me for the dramatic cut, I stared at myself in her mirror, wondering how I got here, how did this happen? When did I lose control of so much of my own decisions? (back to that later)
The 1st cut through the pigtail echoed loud in my ear; I will never, ever forget the sound of my hair being cut. My crying became louder and louder with every cut of the scissors, the 2nd one was just as bad, and now it's done; Tamy is holding my hair in her hands, carefully placing it in a plastic bag as not to lose one piece.

Kara faces my chair away from the mirror and begins to cut and shape it into a masterpiece only she could have accomplished. Thank You!
On my drive home, I wonder, "what will Eric think?" I noticed I had about 15 missed calls from him. When I got home, he hugged me and told me I was beautiful. He told me everything I needed to hear and then more.

I have had a day now to get a grip. I am so thankful for my sisters who build me up when I need an extra boost I love them so much, our lives have been full of trial and testing, but through it all, we have each other, I am forever grateful to good friends who see only the good in others, and who I am honored to be with and count among Eternal Friends. My daughters are my strength, and I will never know how much a mother loves until they have their own children someday....soon for Kayla. My son builds my testimony every day as I pray for him and ask the Lord to bless and watch over him. Lastly, I love my husband, who is my rock; he gives me much more than I ever give to him, and he knows what I think before I think it, which is kind of scary for him, I'm sure.

I want to go back to something I was feeling yesterday. I realize that being sad, mad, depressed, upset, and all the emotions in dealing with trials are expected. However, Satan wants us to feel vulnerable; he wants us to feel like we are not in control of our own destiny or life. I recently studied and realized how Satan wants us to run and hide when things go wrong. He wants us to hide and bring others down with us, kind of like misery loves company when we allow ourselves to be in his power; it seems we become unhappy and controlled. I am so happy that I know the good from the evil, and I can pull myself out when I feel the weight of the world coming down on me.