I didn't choose the VILLAIN it chose me

THURSDAY, JUNE 3, 2010

I didn't choose the VILLAIN. It chose me

Dr. Michele Halyard and Dr. Schuster

Today I had an appointment with my radiation/oncologist Dr. Michele Halyard. It was a follow-up from radiation, the purpose of the appointment was to check and make sure my skin was healing correctly and talk about my side effects. She said I am recovering very well and that the side effects I am experiencing are expected... mostly fatigue, insomnia, and a lot of anxiety. I still have this lingering headache. It's been 6 days now. She said it was not related to the radiation, so I needed to contact Dr. Northfelt. I am not a fan of anxiety. I am amazed at the amount of pain, stress, and fear my body has gone through this past year. The human body is an amazing thing. Well, actually, I think the human mind is impressive. Keeping a positive attitude can help you to heal; I am a firm believer in that. I have tried so hard to remain calm and relaxed through this journey, but there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have broken down and lost it. The anxiety that I am feeling now is related to some upcoming surgery and treatments. The thoughts of recurrence continue to be on my mind, it's unfortunate, but during the past 10 months, there has not been one minute of any day that I have not had some thought related to the VILLAIN.

This morning I was home alone and broke down crying as I looked at myself in the mirror. Where am I? why am I allowing this awful VILLAIN to take over my life and define me right now? I've been really fighting it, but I think I am feeling insecure about myself because of the recent public embarrassments. Today Eric and I were at SUBWAY eating lunch, and I told him about what happened when Haleigh and I were bike riding. He became emotional with big tears in his eyes. It's hard for me to see him cry; I don't want anyone to cry for me, especially not Eric or my kids. I asked him why he was crying. He said, "I feel so bad for you; I don't ever want someone to mistreat you; I just love you so much," and I love him so much it hurts to see him hurting.
I was trying to run my fingers through my hair this morning to find a different look with what little hair I have. I am now sporting about 1/2 inch of hair, and there is not much I can do with it yet. My breasts still hurt, and they are not the prettiest things you have ever seen, but this is the new life I didn't choose; I wouldn't have chosen it, but for some reason, it chose me, and I have a responsibility to learn from it and make my life better than it was before. Some days are more complicated than others. Tonight I am grateful for the people in my life who love me no matter what. I LOVE YOU.