My Hair

 

SATURDAY, JULY 31, 2010

My Hair

Ok, so many people have asked me lately since my hair is growing has Kara colored it? and I can proudly say no, I have not had anything put on my hair since I lost it all to Chemo I wish my hair was a little lighter but I'm not ready for an appointment with Kara yet. When my hair is wet, it's curly, really curly, I have to comb it down while it's wet to take the curl out. I am so excited to have curly hair, it's always been completely straight so this is something new for me. I love that I can actually run my fingers through my hair now, I measured it today and it's one inch on the first layer. The top layers of hair are now starting to grow up and out, a little uncontrollable and I love it.

It's all about timing.

FRIDAY, JULY 30, 2010

It's all about timing.

On Wednesday, my visit with the doctor paid off in the sleep category. I've slept two nights in a row. I don't want to rely on drugs to help me sleep again; that was a nightmare to get myself off of those.... however last night, I dreamed of running again. My son-in-law Brian was my trainer (hee hee), and I have to say, in my dream, he was a good trainer and pushed me hard. He was a meanie !!! Funny that I dream of running again; starting is always the most challenging part. 

I've been a runner my whole life. Long-distance never bothered me; in fact, it was my therapy. I've run 5Ks and10Ks for fun. Before I was diagnosed, I ran my first 10 miles run on the beach in Mexico. I was training for a lifetime dream of running a Marathon. I was registered for a Half Marathon to run in October of 2009.

When that day came and went, I mourned it, I had worked so hard and felt like I was going to finish something I started for once in my life. Now I can think of it again; my plan is to run in October of 2011. My son Blake will be home from his mission, and he asked me to not run it until he gets home; it's perfect timing. I won't be ready until then anyway. I'm hoping to start running again in January; if all goes well with my next surgery and recovery, it should be a perfect time, anyone want to join me?

The good Lord has a way of making my mournings and difficult times work themselves out; it's all about timing. I will run that marathon, and it will be a milestone for me when I finish. I imagine it will be highly emotional and a step forward in my new way of life. I won't let the VILLAIN get the best of my dreams; I have too many things to do.

LABELS: CANCER, DREAMS, JOURNALING, MARATHON 

Is it ok to ask about Religion?

THURSDAY, JULY 29, 2010

Is it ok to ask about religion?

                                  Believe or don't believe in God? Struggles in life 

                                                or not I will always be your friend.

Today, I'm asking myself, "Is it ok to ask another person what religion they are?" I ask this question because today was quite a day for me. I had to go to US AIRWAYS corporate center and have a drug test done. When I arrived at their clinic, they had me fill out some forms, and then I waited until the nurse came and escorted me to this room, where she asked me to:

1st put my purse into a locker before I enter the bathroom.
2nd I Wash my hands without soap, take the plastic container and go to the bathroom. 
3rd DO NOT FLUSH THE TOILET. Confident in myself, I sat down and tinkled in the cup. When I came out, the nurse said, "That is not enough; you need to go out to the waiting room and drink water. When you are ready, we will take you back in."

I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Finally, I asked, "Can I just come back tomorrow?" The nurse said, "If you do, we will have to write you down as a refusal to take the drug test, and that is grounds for termination."  Quietly, I sat back down and waited for my body to process the water.

I drank about 15-20 cups of water, and I felt sick to my stomach, not to mention lightheaded. I then asked if I could go out to my car and get the strawberries and tomatoes I left in my vehicle. The answer was, "No, you cannot leave the clinic." I waited and watched a doctor's television show. I can tell you anything you need to know about diabetes, pesticides on your veggies and fruit, why organic is better for you, flossing your teeth, and colon cancer. Finally, I had to tinkle; I filled that cup up.
After 3 hours at the clinic, I needed to stop by TARGET on my way home. I was looking for my favorite pajamas. While in TARGET, Mayo Clinic called to ask me some info about a test I have coming up; she asked me who my oncologist was. I wasn't sure I heard her right, so I repeated, "Who is my oncologist?" I told her Doctor Norhtfelt; when I got off the phone, this girl, probably in her early 20s walked up to me and said, "excuse me, do you have cancer?" I replied, "yes, I do" she then said to me, "do you need a church to go to?" I politely told her, "no, but thank you for asking" she then said, "do you believe in GOD?"
I said, " I do" with a puzzled look on her face, she said, "what religion are you?" I politely said, "LDS, some know us as MORMONS." What happened next was shocking. She immediately covered her mouth with her hands and gasped for air. I said, "are you ok?" Tears filled her eyes, and she said, "OMG, that is the most awful, least Christian church on earth." Seriously? I didn't know what to say. How rude, I thought. Then she looked at me, put her arm around my shoulders as if to lead me out of HELL, and said, "I am going to save you; I can help you get away from your husband. We have shelters you can go to" at this point, I am so confused and irritated I told her to please leave me alone, and I walked away. I'm still not sure why she asked me about the VILLAIN; the only thing I can think of is that she could use it to start the conversation or that this young girl thought if I was going through treatments and I didn't have something to believe in that she could help me.

I'm ok with sharing what you believe in; there are missionaries of all religions who go door to door and express what they believe in. This past year I have met some of the most incredible Christians I have ever known; I've had people approach me at Mayo Clinic and ask if we can pray together, and right there in the middle of Mayo Clinic. We hug, bow our heads and say a prayer. More people than I can think have asked me for my name and if it would be ok if they took my name to their prayer circle. I'm always so touched when that happens. Because we are different religions, do I think those prayers are not being heard by GOD? Absolutely not, just the opposite; some of the most sincere, pure prayers I have ever heard have come from strangers who have faith and love for the same Heavenly Father that I believe in. This is what I think, people are good, most people believe in something, and everyone should be true to themselves. I will never limit relationships to those who share my same religion; there is so much to learn and many beautiful people to learn from. 

We should all be tolerant and respectful to others in life no matter what they believe in or don't believe in. Tell another person that what they believe in is WRONG  and that you have all the answers is even more WRONG. If I have ever made someone feel like what they believe in is silly or less important than what I believe in, please let me say, "I am sincerely sorry" I felt so awful today. I was personally and spiritually attacked; I never want anyone to ever feel what I felt today.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman explains Capsular Cantracture

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 28, 2010

Dr. Peter Kreymerman explains Capsular Contracture.

Ok, so I admit I know nothing about medical terms. When Dr. Kreymerman explained what Capsular Contracture was, I just filed it away, thinking, "I have no idea what he is talking about." 

Last night was another long night with insomnia; even after taking my prescribed medicine, I still couldn't sleep. I did a google search for Capsular Contracture, and I saw the scariest pictures I have ever seen of women who had mastectomy and reconstruction surgery that went wrong. It made me even more grateful for Dr. Kreymerman. My breasts have been so tight and stiff, and it is excruciating. The pain never goes away. I always feel so bad when my grandson tries to lay his head on my chest that he can't because it's too hard. I'm afraid he might hit his head on them and have to go get stitches. No joke.

Dr. Kreymerman explained that radiation can cause them to harden, and he will fix it during my next round of surgery. Of course, he will; he can do it all.

Ok, so what I found out about Capsular Contracture is when a capsule forms, comprised of fibrous tissue in some people, the tablet will tighten and squeeze the expander. This makes the breast feel stiff and distorts its appearance of the breast. The expander feels very firm in the later stages and may take on a "ball-like" look.

I like to be educated on what is going on with my body, but I have a weak stomach. Last night, I searched over 50 websites, some showing actual surgery, and watching the surgeon cut into it made me sick.

Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership with God

 

TUESDAY, JULY 27, 2010

Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership with God

On days when I feel like I just don't measure up as a mother, I watch this video to get some eternal perspective.

Would You Do It Over?

I was recently asked, "If you knew at age 20 exactly how your life would end up, would you change the course of it?" I said, "No question about it, NO, I would not change anything" She was a little surprised by my answer and told me that she would change a lot if she had the chance. OK, so for me, and this is obviously not for everyone. I think all the trials and pain that I have seen in my life have made me who I am. It's hard to imagine any other life other than I've lived. 

I think I knew before I came to earth some of the trials I would have to endure; it's selfish to think we could all go through life without any problems. Solving those problems and finding a solution makes us stronger; it's what builds character.

We often, me included, complain about our lives and some of our decisions; however, they were OUR decisions, and we have to, unfortunately, live with the consequences of our choices. I'm glad that we have the agency to choose for ourselves the path we will take, but those choices are not free, and they usually come with a consequence.

When an agency is taken away, and someone or something else makes a choice for your life, you learn to develop strength, patience, and endurance. This is when true character is tested; how the trial will affect your life is still your choice. You choose to learn and grow from it or let it fester and grow into an evil disease that is soon not easy to recognize and takes over your life. The VILLAIN is has been my adversary, but I have learned that in this life, our enemies can become our choicest friends; the secret is in knowing what to do with the conflict

LABELS: CANCER, JOURNALING, RANDOM 

Bucket Lists

 

SUNDAY, JULY 25, 2010

Bucket Lists

Today I wrote a bucket list of things I would like to do before dying. They are in no particular order, and I realize over the years it may change, but for today in 2010, this is it:

1. Go to Paris With Eric. It's been a lifelong dream he took the girls a few years ago (daddy-daughter trip)
2. Take my entire family to Nauvoo
3. Serve a mission with Eric
4. Visit Savannah, Georgia, and eat at Paula Dean's restaurant
5. Run a Marathon
6. Give more than I have been given (not sure if this is even possible)
7. Write a book (another lifelong dream)
8. Learn to play tennis (I don't even know the rules)
9. Learn to use my camera in manual
10. Attend the Olympics (anywhere)
11. Live long enough to see Recker Get baptized
12. I have always wanted to go to Tahiti ... I think BORA BORA will do

I'm a People Watcher

 

THURSDAY, JULY 22, 2010

I'm a People Watcher

Ok, so today I'm walking through COSTCO browsing, looking at books, checking out the latest and greatest, gettin' my strawberries, watching people try out the samples. I tend to be a people watcher, and I do it a lot. This guy had his 2 boys with him, probably ages 5 and maybe 7 (just a guess). He was looking at something on one of the end caps, and one of his boys knocked a loaf of bread off of his cart ..... wholly cow, you would have thought the boy just broke a crystal chandelier or something. The man started yelling loud at the boy, telling him he was stupid and that he needed to be taught a lesson, and then he slapped him over the head. The boy coward down as if he knew it was coming. Seriously? Was I seeing and hearing this?

I saw the entire episode play out like a LIFETIME movie. The man continued to scream at the boy and yank on his hair and arm.... you know I can't let it go...right? I walked right up to the man as calm as can be and said, "Seriously, dude, it was a loaf of bread. Do you really think he deserved all that? You better leave him alone, or I will call the cops," and I put my arm around the boy wanting to take him away. What do you think the guy said to me? 

"Mind your own business. This is MY kid, not yours." I was so upset I said, "Actually, he is not a possession, your son was sent here as a gift to you for a very short time, and you are treating him like dirt" Then something happened I was not expecting. He looked at his little boy, who had massive tears in his eyes, by the way. The dad looked at his son and said, "I am so sorry." Ok, so now I'm feeling a little weird and uncomfortable because what do I do? As awkward as ever I looked at him and said, "Ok, well then just be nice."

I walked off, and a little while later, I saw them in the store. The little boy smiled at me, then ran and hugged my legs. I smiled back, hoping he would be ok. I always have these weird things happen when I am around; I'm not sure why, maybe because I am a people watcher?

My Fun Visit With Doctor Peter Kreymerman

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21, 2010

My Fun Visit With Doctor Peter Kreymerman

Today was my appointment with my favorite doctor Doctor Peter Kreymerman. First things first, I asked him if anything new and exciting was happening in his life he answered, "yes, we are pregnant" at first, I thought he asked if I was pregnant, my reaction was, "uh, no, I'm not" as I patted my belly then I realized he was talking about his wife. I am so excited for them; they will be having a little baby girl at the end of November. He looked so happy, and I'm sure his wife is cute as can be pregnant. He better be good to her. Heather is on vacation this week, and we missed seeing her.
Since Mayo Clinic is a teaching clinic, he had a beautiful young student with him who had been learning from Dr. Kreymerman since the middle of June. I asked her if he was a good teacher she said he was terrific to work with..... I knew he would be. PK and Tamy got into some medical jargon about my breasts; some people would think, "how embarrassing, or how strange," but it's not. I have been so exposed this past year that nothing really bothers me. My breasts have been seen by every student he's had. I say just call it what it is HARD AS ROCK BOOBS. I can't wait for these expanders to be out of my body; they feel like granite. It's a good thing Tamy knows this stuff; she always explains it to me even though her explanations are way over my head.

I was telling Dr. Kreymerman about the anxiety attack I had last night. I was sitting on my bed reading, but my thoughts were everywhere. Eric is out of town, it's the 1st time he has left me since my diagnosis, and he calls me a lot, but last night I could not control my thoughts and fears, and I began to freak out. I was trying to think of ways to prevent it, so I got some nail polish (bright pink) and started painting my fingernails; what? I have never had colored paint on my nails, especially not bright pink... I liked it, ok, so back to the attack soon I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning, my nails were seriously JACKED UP; I found some remover and took off the polish. I'm not sure if this worked or if it was just really, really weird. I love talking to PK because he listens, and I'm sure he thinks I'm a little strange, but he always laughs and makes me feel comfortable. I asked PK if he liked my hair, and he smiled and politely said, "yes, but I liked your long hair better" that made me happy, finally someone who could be honest. I liked my long hair better too. 

I love my oncologist too, but I can't joke with him like I do PK; today, I thought, "I need to find a way to get Dr. Northfelt to laugh."

We laughed and joked with PK for about 1/2 hour. I told him about some of the experiences I have had since losing my hair, the lady who asked me, "did you cut your hair like that on purpose?" and the lady in Walmart who told me my haircut was terrible and gave me her hairstylist business card. The best story of all was the lady from Subway who hit on me. Dr. Kreymerman laughed and gave me a big hug. He also said the same thing Eric did "take it as a compliment" After examining me, PK said it all looks good; surgery is on the schedule for October 12. 

I am grateful for Doctor Kreymerman; I wish every VILLAIN patient could experience the compassion, whit, and professionalism I have experienced with him. Going into surgery, I will be in good hands; Doctor Kreymerman cares for his patients.

After PK, I had another appointment to get my PORT flushed (something I have to do once a month). Walking into the hospital, I started to panic, but Tamy was good about keeping my mind on other things. I know I can do hard things, but it helps to have Tamy with me; she is a gift from Heaven. Thank You, Girl.

http://monyabonbon.blogspot.comLABELS: CANCER, DR. KREYMERMAN, DR. NORTHFELT, JOURNALING 

Live and Die with no Regrets

 

MONDAY, JULY 19, 2010

Live and Die with no Regrets

I will be seeing Dr. Kreymerman on Wednesday. I asked Tamy if she would mind going with me; she seems to be able to calm me down when I have my anxiety, and she is comfortable with Dr. Kreymerman and his staff. Knowing she will be with me, I feel much better about the trip to the Mayo Clinic Hospital; besides, going to lunch afterward is a massive highlight of my week.

I've heard people say when someone is struck by a sudden heart attack or someone who dies in their sleep, "it was a good way to go," and maybe it is. However, it's an end that leaves us without any chances for preparation, exchanges of feelings, or an occasion to get closure on an incomplete relationship. I don't want this for myself; no matter what I end up dying from, I want to be able to take time with my family and friends.

Today the word "cancer" is no longer a death sentence for everyone it strikes. That dark cloud is hovering over my head and many other cancer patients. 

Cancer has given me time to think about my life and how I want to spend the rest of it. It's time for me to start living instead of thinking about death. I want to look back with dignity and integrity on that day. I want to say farewell with a feeling of peace; I want my children and grandchildren to know how much I adore and love them. I hope I have been a good example; I failed many times as a mother. My children have no idea how I love each of them for their strengths and weaknesses.

Going through this journey with the VILLAIN has allowed me to meet other cancer survivors. One common thing that I've noticed is that there is a fear of unfinished stories. Regrets and a desire for more time with the ones to finally forgive those who have offended you. I am learning to forgive myself and know that the Atonement will take care of it.

When we turn the page to a new life, we leave behind some old habits and begin looking to our future with eyes wide open and a heart full of love and appreciation far beyond what we ever thought we could. I think it would be easier to ignore our own imperfections if we did this.
Yes, it is true I may die earlier than I could have foreseen, but it is also possible that I'll live much longer; whatever happens, I'm going to live my life as well as I can; for me, it's the only way to prepare for whatever happens.

Dinner with the Scows/Wilkins Families

SATURDAY, JULY 17, 2010

Dinner with the Scows/Wilkins Families

Dinner with my favorite people...Jenny and Mike, their children, and Jenny's mom and Dad who have been so loving and respectful.  I love you, Jenster !!!! More than you will ever know, I love that you sometimes say or do something precisely when I need to hear it; I admire your spirit and the goals you have for your life. We will still be rockin' in those chairs when we're 80; hopefully, by then, we should have the world's problems solved... love you, girl xoxo monya

LABELS: FAMILY 

ANXIETY

THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2010

ANXIETY

WOW, it is 2:00 am, and I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I'm thinking about Blake, Haleigh in Utah, my next surgery, and seeing Doctor Kreymerman this next week. My house is quiet, but my ears are ringing so loud; I'm not sure what that's all about. I feel so tired but cannot sleep. I am exhausted.
Today I went out to the Mayo Scottsdale Campus to pick up my MLOA papers from Doctor Northfelt. I called him and asked if it was ok for me to return to work, he wrote me a letter to give to US AIRWAYS, if all goes as I want it to I will be returning to work on July 26, he is allowing me to return part-time until my subsequent surgery. Since June of last year, I have not been working, so back to training I will go. I have some anxiety about returning, but it may help me get past some of the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with right now. Anxiety is a word I never really had in my vocabulary a year ago. 

I now feel like it is a common question asked by each doctor I see "how are you dealing with your anxiety?" or "I hope you understand that all cancer patients end up with anxiety" " do we need to write you a prescription for your anxiety?" 

I think of all the symptoms I've been left with; I despise the anxiety the most; it comes on so suddenly. I try to not think about the VILLAIN, but it is next to impossible. I seriously put it to the test every day, saying, "ok, for one minute, right now, I am not going to think about it," looking at the clock, waiting, waiting, doing good 30 seconds pass... BOOM, there it is. I've tried relaxation CDs, praying, reading, and exercising nothing seems to help. I know it is normal, but I don't want to be a typical cancer patient. 

On my way to Mayo Clinic today, I could hardly breathe, and I had to pull over and say a prayer. Then just walking into the building made me sick to my stomach. I can smell the sickness in the air, especially when I get off the elevator on level three, where chemotherapy is distributed. I love and care for all the doctors and surgeons on my team. I have been treated with utmost respect and empathy by the nurses also.

Well, for now, I will not even try to understand it all. I'm off to bed, and I still need to read from Preach My Gospel tonight.

LABELS: ANXIETY, CANCER, JOURNALING 

Summer 2010

MONDAY, JULY 12, 2010

Summer 2010

We enjoyed the 4th of july at our condo in Mexico, and now we are in the cool weather of Park City Utah. I love spending time with my family.

LABELS: FAMILY 

Nutella Sandwich & The Hulk

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 10, 2011

Nutella Sandwich & the HULK

What do you get when you mix NUTELLA, ROASTED ALMOND BUTTER & WHOLE WHEAT BREAD? One happy Recker... He loved it and wanted more... combine that with a cup of milk while wearing an INCREDIBLE HULK shirt, and you have one smart kid----

Recker Love

SATURDAY, JULY 10, 2010

Recker Love

His laughter is contagious. I am the most blessed grandma in the world. Life is perfect with Recker in it.

LABELS: RECKER 

Love From The Dominican Republic

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 7, 2010

Love From The Dominican Republic

I love Wednesdays when I can stalk my emails waiting to hear from Blake. Today he sent these pictures and said he was so happy. He is now in his 10th month, and the language is excellent, and he can communicate very well with people. His new companion does not know any English,, so he is looking forward to getting Spanish mastered even better in the next 6 weeks. It makes my heart happy to know he is doing what he wants to do right now.

Elder Williams (Blake) and his new companion, Elder Miranda

Elder Williams (Blake) and Darlin at his baptism

Elder Miranda, Arlyne, and Elder Williams

Members who came to the baptism

Darlin and his Familia

Perspective

 

This was 4th of July 2009 in Mexico

SUNDAY, JULY 4, 2010

Perspective

Last year Eric and I enjoyed the 4th of July in Mexico. Just three weeks later I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Eric and I have always loved our time together, but I think I have taken  the little things for granted. I understand and appreciate small things that I never thought twice about before. Eric listened to me get sick but still wanted to kiss me, not for his own satisfaction but to show his pure love for me. 

During my chemotherapy, Eric often times went the extra mile to make sure I was comfortable. He never wanted me to be in pain or be embarrassed about how I looked. Eric has told me every day how beautiful I am. When I look in the mirror, I know he and I are not looking at the same person. 

One year later, we are at the condo in Mexico, and my perspective is different. Every day since we have been here, I have taken some time to myself to sit on the beach and reflect. Today I watched two little boys; they looked like brothers, laughing and dunking each other in the water; their laughter was contagious. I found myself completely engrossed in their childhood play. I don't think I would have taken the time to enjoy that moment a year ago. I watched a little fish who was obviously new at swimming; he was getting a little too close to the shore; as he worked so hard to get out into the ocean, a vast wave would push him up a little closer to the beach, and again and again, he would work hard to get free. Finally, after near exhaustion, he made it, and off he went into the deep blue ocean where he belonged. WOW, that reminded me so much of my journey this past year; every time I would get past one hurdle, I felt like a giant wave was smashing me against a rock, and more bad news would come. I feel like I am still swimming against the tides but not drowning. Finally, I think I can breathe a little. Moving forward is really hard knowing the VILLAIN can take over again; the only difference now is I'm forced to think about it. I never thought VILLAIN would be in my vocabulary. Tonight I sit in my condo listening to the fireworks going off, totally happy and content watching my little grandson crawl around, listening to Kayla and Jeremy play a game at the kitchen table, and knowing Eric and Haleigh are down at the beach enjoying the festivities. At this moment, I could not be more satisfied with my life; for me, this is what it is all about.