ANXIETY

THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2010

ANXIETY

WOW, it is 2:00 am, and I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I'm thinking about Blake, Haleigh in Utah, my next surgery, and seeing Doctor Kreymerman this next week. My house is quiet, but my ears are ringing so loud; I'm not sure what that's all about. I feel so tired but cannot sleep. I am exhausted.
Today I went out to the Mayo Scottsdale Campus to pick up my MLOA papers from Doctor Northfelt. I called him and asked if it was ok for me to return to work, he wrote me a letter to give to US AIRWAYS, if all goes as I want it to I will be returning to work on July 26, he is allowing me to return part-time until my subsequent surgery. Since June of last year, I have not been working, so back to training I will go. I have some anxiety about returning, but it may help me get past some of the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with right now. Anxiety is a word I never really had in my vocabulary a year ago. 

I now feel like it is a common question asked by each doctor I see "how are you dealing with your anxiety?" or "I hope you understand that all cancer patients end up with anxiety" " do we need to write you a prescription for your anxiety?" 

I think of all the symptoms I've been left with; I despise the anxiety the most; it comes on so suddenly. I try to not think about the VILLAIN, but it is next to impossible. I seriously put it to the test every day, saying, "ok, for one minute, right now, I am not going to think about it," looking at the clock, waiting, waiting, doing good 30 seconds pass... BOOM, there it is. I've tried relaxation CDs, praying, reading, and exercising nothing seems to help. I know it is normal, but I don't want to be a typical cancer patient. 

On my way to Mayo Clinic today, I could hardly breathe, and I had to pull over and say a prayer. Then just walking into the building made me sick to my stomach. I can smell the sickness in the air, especially when I get off the elevator on level three, where chemotherapy is distributed. I love and care for all the doctors and surgeons on my team. I have been treated with utmost respect and empathy by the nurses also.

Well, for now, I will not even try to understand it all. I'm off to bed, and I still need to read from Preach My Gospel tonight.

LABELS: ANXIETY, CANCER, JOURNALING