The Oscars

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2011

The Oscars

These Cute Girls, Haleigh Williams, Emily Holicky and Haleigh Brownlee
Best In Friendship, Love and Compassion

Hales accepting her award

Brian presenting the award

Haleigh, Haleigh, and Emily

Hollywood has nothing on these girls.  Hales, Emily, and Haleigh all dressed up in their PROM dresses to watch the Oscars in my Family Room tonight.  I love these girls, what cute humor they have.

I know my redeemer Lives

 

I know my redeemer lives

Be True To Yourself

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2011

Be True To Yourself

What does it mean to live your true self? I have heard that phrase so many times, and every time I have listened to it, I get confused and ignore it. Recently I heard  someone say, "Are you living your true self?"
Ok, it finally sunk in after days of pondering those words TRUE SELF. For me, it is being the same person when I am alone as I am with people. It is true to myself by doing what I know to be good and honest, and trustworthy, whether anyone else in the group agrees with my way of thinking or not. It's not compromising my standards for anyone, no matter what. I think I have always been that type of person. However, there have been times in my life where I have gone along with the crowd because it seemed like the right thing to do, then later had regrets and maybe even had to repent. I realize now more than ever that life is too short to not "like" yourself. Forget about loving yourself. It all starts with whether you can stand to be around yourself if you live a lie.   

For example, I am not one to say that every single day for all of my life, I have knelt down every morning to pray or that no days have gone by without me reading and studying my scriptures. I have no problem saying I need to work on those things. I wake up every morning wanting to be a better person when I go to bed tonight than last night, not to impress anyone,  but because I know it is best for my family and me. I do feel like I have gotten to a place in my life where I am "Good With God," and what that means to me might mean something different to the next person. Still, honestly, if I were to die today, I would die knowing I was a good person who tried my hardest to be true to myself and everyone around me. I am far from perfect, but I am grateful for the knowledge I have that our Heavenly Father's son Jesus Christ died for all of our sins, even the little ones like judging someone or thinking a wrong thought about someone who hurt your feelings. I am human and will make mistakes; I love that the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows me to say sorry, usually every day. It's all about being true to yourself because, in the end, you are the one who has to live with YOU, and only you are the one who knows what needs fixin' and what is good to go. I love you all...
today I am grateful for my sweet husband-oh how I love that man

Anxiety-Insomnia-and Finding Peace

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2011

Anxiety-Insomnia-and Finding Peace

I am trying to learn to control the thoughts that bombard my brain. The flashbacks I get seem to be uncontrollable for me right now, creating anxiety and insomnia. I believe that my last surgery was not about CANCER, although I can still accept it as a Miracle in my life. I can also realistically assume that there are things from my past that have haunted me for years. I believe Heavenly Father put that miracle in my life for a purpose. He is trying to teach me to deal with my past and come to a place in my life where I can LIVE FREE, free from the demons that constantly create these horrible flashbacks. When someone tells you, "don't be anxious, or think of something else while you are trying to sleep," Those statements in themself create anxiety. Trying not to think about sleeping makes me want to sleep so badly, but I can't because I have worked myself into such an anxiety attack that now it is too late. I never had anxiety or insomnia before the VILLAIN decided to invade my life, but now that I have it, I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. Now that I have had this hysterectomy, it is getting worse. The anxiety that built up inside me just to get myself to have the surgery still lingers in my thoughts and feelings. The appointment with Dr. Magitbay next week is constantly on my mind, and I am scared to go.
My right breast hurts so bad, and I wonder if cancer has taken up residency again. It is this vicious cycle that Cancer patients go through. I'm sure it's nothing, but in the back of my head is that silly thought. The Lord has been so patient and loving to me, and I thank him forever for things and every one good in my life. With HIM, I know there is nothing I cannot endure. I try to find peaceful moments every day to reflect on all that HE has given me.

MOM

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2011

MOM

Today is February 17, 2011, probably just another day for most people. It's my mother's birthday today, and I've been thinking about her all day. Sad that she lives within an hour of me, and I never see her, talk to her or know how she is doing.  

My last contact with her was 3 years ago when my stepdad died. I got a phone call from Susan May, my mother's good friend. It was weird to hear this familiar voice on the phone. She told me that my dad was in the hospital and had fallen at work and was in a coma. She asked if I would like to come to the hospital and be there with my mom when they took him off life support. I had to think about that one for a while; I asked her if I could call her back. 

I called my sisters and asked them what they thought;  Sonya and Kris said, "no way were they going, and that I shouldn't either" I went into my room, knelt down to pray, and asked the Lord what I should do. The answer came quick and straightforward, "yes," so I gathered my family around and asked them if they would go with me; Eric was not comfortable going and was against it. However, I am a woman and had to do what I had to do. 

Saturday came quickly; the drive to the hospital was agonizing; I had not seen my mom or dad for at least 16 years, and my head was spinning. I was trying to imagine how this would go down. This small part of me was excited; I realized that now maybe my mom and I could start over and begin to heal this much-needed relationship. 

All my children chose to go with me. They dropped everything they were doing on a Saturday and went with me to see people they had never met. They had met them, but the last time we saw them was on Kaitlyn's 1st birthday, and now she was 16, almost 17. Haleigh is the only child my mom has never seen, and she was born after all this happened. 

When we walked into the hospital room, it was small and cold; I did not recognize my mother. The mom I used to know was taller and much softer; this woman was hunched over, very short, and crippled up with Arthritis. I walked up to her and gave her a hug. It was so incredibly uncomfortable. My eyes water up right now when I think about it.

Not too many words were exchanged. I introduced Mom to my children. I remember sitting in a chair facing her. Blake was standing behind me, holding his hands on my shoulders as if to protect his mama from whatever he expected would happen next. Haleigh sat on my lap, Kaitlyn behind me next to Blake, and Kayla on my right side, holding my hand. What a sight we must have been; I'm not sure what thoughts were going through my children's heads, but I know I was thinking, "what am I doing here?"

It almost felt like I was in a dream and could not wake up. My chair was at the foot of the stepdad's bed. It was hard for me to look at him; all the flood of bad memories was sure to well up and surface as tears in my eyes; I couldn't do that right now; I needed to be strong and show no emotion. My mom and I had small talk, like always. Even though I have not talked to her in so long, it's always small talk with her, nothing too deep, nothing that she would have to think about or admit to. 

Not much has changed in that department for her. I'm not judging her; I think she looks mad and sad. She has carried all this anger with her for so many years that I think she has a hard heart, always wanting me to feel like she is one step ahead. When I introduced her to Haleigh, my mom looked right at her and said, in a not-so-kind voice, "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I USED TO SEND YOU BIRTHDAY CARDS EVERY YEAR, BUT SINCE I NEVER HEARD BACK FROM YOU, I STOPPED."

The mother bear in me wanted to come across the floor and seriously give her a slap across the face, no-one, and I mean no one, talks to my children like that. Instead, I let it go and decided it was not worth it. Maybe she is testing me; besides, the Lord knows my heart, and he is the only one who knows where my heart is.

Some other people were in the room, including her Bishop and friends from her church. One of them said in a sarcastic voice, "you have a daughter? where has she been all this time?" I had to refrain from using the words I wanted to. I just sat there waiting for my mom's response..... she said nothing. What could she say? We were all there, and I knew the real story, so she was not going to say anything. She'll wait until I'm gone, then she'll fill them all in on what a horrible daughter I am, how I hurt them and ruined their lives. The nurse came in and said it was time to start the process on Gary; she explained that once they take him off the life support, his body should struggle for a few breaths and then go to sleep.

Then my mom looked at me and said, "You can go hold his hand and whisper to him if you want to, Monya."

A wave of ugliness just went through my body. I can't explain it in words, but there was no way in HELL I was going to whisper anything in this man's ear. He tortured me and made my life a living hell for many years, and I cannot think of one good memory with him. I politely said, "I'm good, no thanks" then I heard a sigh from someone in the room as if to say, "Are you kidding me? This is the last time you have to say goodbye" In my head, I had said goodbye many, many years ago, but now I realize that demon I can never say goodbye to; it lingers in the back of my mind and surfaces when it feels like it. 

The nurse came in and took him off life support, and believe me when I tell you this, it did not go down like the sweet little nurse said it would. His body started to gasp for air, his head popped back, his mouth opened, and his body went into convulsions. It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced, and I had my children with me. This was their first experience with death. What the heck was I thinking, taking them with me? I was grateful when they were able to experience the death of Eric's dad, Ray Williams, just a few months later. It was the same setting, except he just went to sleep, and it was peaceful as he left this life and went to live with our Heavenly Father. This opposite, the stepdad was fighting to go to the other side.

It was one of the most awful experiences of my life. One of the weirdest things about it was not much emotion from my mom; she cried a little, then it was all business. 

I was hoping to mend this tattered and torn mother-daughter relationship. I talked to my mom's Bishop for a few minutes out in the hallway and explained our strained relationship. He was so sweet and non-judgemental. He gave me his phone number and told me to call him with any questions. I said goodbye to my mom, and I walked away with my children close by. I wanted to hug and kiss all four of them and never let them go.

On the way home, it was quiet, I asked them how they felt, and they all had different answers, but for the most part, it freaked them out, my mom freaked them out, and they had nothing good to say. I'm unsure if it's because of their loyalty to me or if they sincerely felt nothing. They all said it felt very dark and yucky when he died, and I agreed. 

The next day when I got home from church, there were a couple phone calls received from my mom. I called her back to see what I could help her with. She told me where to meet her in the morning (the funeral home). I asked if I could pick her up,  but she said Susan would take her. She asked me if I would design the program for the funeral. I said, "I'd love to do that for you."

Everything was going so well in my mind, then suddenly it turned for the worst. Mom said, 

"I just need to say one thing to you...."  

Oh no, here it comes, I know that voice, and I knew she I said, 

"Mom, please don't go there. Let's just get moving forward and mend this." She raised her voice, "Do you know what you did to our lives? You ruined our lives..."  

I could not hold back. "I ruined YOUR life.? Are you kidding me?"

Her quick reply was, "You know he has been forgiven, don't you? He did everything he was supposed to, and he's been forgiven."  

"Really? Seriously mom? What did he get forgiven for? Because, according to you, he never did anything wrong?" 

By now, my emotions were getting the best of me; I could hardly breathe, and I was crying uncontrollably. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Finally, for the last time, I confronted my mom and told her these words. 

"I cannot go backward, mom; I need to continue to go forward. I have finally forgiven dad for what he did to me; I am finally at a good place in my marriage and with my family; we are happy, love the Lord, and rely on him for strength. Sorry, but I am not willing to do this with you .... goodbye," and I hung up, went into a fetal position, and cried for over a month. 

I called my sisters, and they were sad for me but knew that was what was going to happen; Susan said that my mom kept looking for me at the funeral home the next day, telling the funeral director that she was waiting for her daughter who drives a maroon suburban to show up. Finally, Susan told her, "she's not coming."  

Within a month, my dad Colby Belshe died, and Eric's dad Ray Williams died 6 months later; 2008 was a challenging year. 

Today as I think about my mother on her birthday, I have a lot of mixed emotions. My own children have told me repeatedly that they are so proud of me and that they are glad I took them to the hospital on that dreadful day. They said it finally let them see into my heart; I loved that; I loved that they, my own children, could see my intentions. They knew I wanted to mend and heal but were not willing to go backward in my life.   

For now, I live with guilt and all kinds of emotions over my mother, but I know there is nothing I can do about it; I've tried so hard, so many times, being shot down by the one person, my mother who is supposed to protect and teach me in love, no matter what age I am.  

What is Normal

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2011

What is Normal?

It's late; I'm tired but can't sleep another insomnia night. My appointment Thursday was canceled. I'm not sure if I should be happy or upset. Still, I was looking forward to hearing some results and him telling me how great I was doing. I miss seeing doctor Kreymerman. I thought about him when Eric and I went to see a movie with Adam Sandler as a plastics doctor. I just don't remember the name of it. In the past year and a half, there have been very few weeks that I have not spent at least one day at the Mayo. It has been 5 weeks now, yippie. Maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I have so much to look forward to in my life. Blake is coming home in 7 months. We will get his release date in April, so looking forward to April.
My hips, especially my right hip, constantly remain in pain. Last night as Eric lay in bed, I told him it felt like when I had chemo treatments this time last year. My legs were hurting so bad, he rubbed them, and it helped. What is NORMAL? If any of you know, please give me a clue because that is my goal right now, and it's hard to have a plan when I can't even remember what it is.
One thing I am grateful for today is that I finally have hair I can blow-dry and tuck behind my ear. That is cool. This time last year was shiny bald. Having hair, I can actually run my fingers through is way cool. People always ask me if I will let it grow out again, think I am... I love long hair on women, but boy, this short hair is easy to manage. I wish I could sometimes d put it up in a ponytail, and I want it to grow out a little more before Blake gets home.

I think life will finally get back to normality I can handle; I'm not sure what that is yet, but I will make it work for me. I love you all so much.

What is Love

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2011

What is LOVE ♥

So every year, on February 14, flowers, candy, and even people get engaged. This is how people in the United States celebrate Valentine's Day. I read this book about the 5 love languages in which people show and receive LOVE.   Do you know what your love language is?


1. Quality Time- I think candy and flowers are excellent for this person, but they would much rather have one-on-one time with the person they love without any distractions.
2. Words of Affirmation- For this person, it only takes a few words of love and appreciation.
3. Physical Touch- Holding hands, cuddling during a movie, and sharing a kiss or hug do wonder for this person.
4. Receiving Gifts- Bust out the gifts, but remember, for this person, it's more about the thought than the amount of money spent.
5. Acts of Service- Show it, don't just say it. Something as simple as taking out the trash can please your Valentine. ♥


If you know the love language of your husband or wife, it makes Valentine giving so much easier. Happy Valentine's Day to Everyone I LOVE--♥

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 10:14 AM 

The Grapefruit Dilemma

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2011

The Grapefruit Dilemma

Recker squeezed every bit of juice out of that thing.

Justifiable or not?

Does this qualify as part of ours?

Okay, so my husband thinks it is okay to take grapefruit from the neighbor's tree if it is hanging in our yard. What do you think? Then fed it to Recker.... it was gross to watch, but I think he liked it.

POSTED BY BONBON AT 12:21 PM 

48 Thing I wanted to do in 2011

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2011

48 things I wanted to do in 2011

In January, I turned 48 years old .... WOW, I remember when I thought a woman turning 30 was OLD, and I now believe a woman turning 60 is in her prime. Perspectives indeed change as you age and get wiser.
So o o o o o  I decided since I am still so young and have so much of life still to live, I am going to do 48 things this year, something I've been wanting or needing to do. KEEP AN OPEN MIND, haha these are not all going to happen, but next year what's left over will go on my 49 things to do while I'm 49.

Spiritually Speaking
1. Pray with more sincerity and specific meaning
2. Read, study, and ponder the scriptures better
3. Share the gospel with someone new
4. Consistent FHE (no matter who shows up)

Around the House
5. Turn the office into a playroom for Recker
6. Clean out the upstairs hall closet
7. Clean out the pantry and get rid of things I have not used in years
8. Go through all cabinets in my kitchen and get rid of what I don't use
9. Change some things in Blakes's room
10. Re-Decorate Kaitlyn's room
11. New flooring and countertops in the upstairs bathroom
12. Master bath, new shower, tub, flooring  (basically, it needs a makeover)
13. Kitchen-a little makeover- we need new countertops
14. Replace all the lightbulbs that are out--bathrooms, kitchen, family room
15. Replace the knobs on the wall unit in the family room

Personally speaking
16. Take more chances (get out of my comfort zone)
17. Start to exercise as soon as the doctor says I can, and take it slow
18. Run a 5K
19. Run a 10K
20. Go back to work
21. Write down something that I am grateful for every day
22. Say Thank You more
23. Smile more
24. Spend more time with extended family
25. Enjoy the moment
26. Take more pictures
27. Learn how to use my Video Camera (and actually use it)
28. Embrace my hair

Random Stuff
29. Give more than I get
30. Drink more water
31. Eat more greens
32. Learn how to thread my serger
33. Laugh out Loud More
34. Write more letters
35. Plant some flowers
36. Worry Less
37. See the good in EVERYONE (even when it's complicated)
38. Don't give up
39. Organize my life (meaning my house)
40. Read a Book
41. Snuggle more (Eric)
42. Lose 5 pounds 

43. Finish old projects

44. Chase a Rainbow 

45. Remodel the Kitchen

46. Organize the Garage

47. Do more outings with the Kids

48. Spend more Quality time with Frenchie

POSTED BY BONBON AT 10:54 AM 

Letter From the Dom. Republic

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2011

Letter From The Dom.Republic

This is the latest from my sweet missionary son. I love him and miss him so much it hurts my heart somedays.

Well this week has been sweet we have a lot of really cool investigadors i had areally cool and akward moment the other day we had an investigator tell us that he use to asasinate people and kill people, we were at his house and he didnt want to tell it out loud so he leaned over to me really sketchy and told me  ¨i kill people, people pay me to kill people, and i attack people and beat them up and steal everything thy have¨ and he said because he cant get a job and he had a  crazy dream that said he should go talk to this man in a shirt and tie that lives a few streets away (a man he didnt know) so the next morning he saw that man and that man just so happen to be our branch president and then the branch president invited him to church then the next night he had another dream that misisonaries were teaching him and that he wanted to be baptized so he took all of the lessons then before he was going to be baptized some guy had to come and talk to him and then he talked to him and told him everything and they had to send a letter out of the country and then after a few weeks they recieved a note that said he can be baptized.
It's crazy cuz that's exactly what has to happen. The mission pres has to come to interview him, then send a letter to Utah to the first presidency, and they say whether he can be baptized or not, and that's the sweer experience I had this guy is enormous, and is a stud he uses to kill people in ally's and rob them of all that they have and take the money and sell everything else to make money it's crazy, but this guy went to church and said that he wants to be baptized the 27th of February he also gave us a reference to his Haitian friend that also is going to get married this same day

I am living in this area a lot. The branch president and his family are soo sweet. They have this little kid named Nephi (well, Nefi en español). Ha he's a stud, but we are working hard here to baptize like 4 people this transfer
it's crazy lately because of CARNAVAL the people go nuts over it they told me that in the month of February the country wastes like 150,000,000 pesos on alcohol a week it's nuts 

 MISS YOU ARIZONA

but I LOVE YOU DOMINICAN REPÜBLIC