I am trying to learn to control the thoughts that bombard my brain. The flashbacks I get seem to be uncontrollable for me right now, creating anxiety and insomnia. I believe that my last surgery was not about CANCER, although I can still accept it as a Miracle in my life. I can also realistically assume that there are things from my past that have haunted me for years. I believe Heavenly Father put that miracle in my life for a purpose. He is trying to teach me to deal with my past and come to a place in my life where I can LIVE FREE, free from the demons that constantly create these horrible flashbacks. When someone tells you, "don't be anxious, or think of something else while you are trying to sleep," Those statements in themself create anxiety. Trying not to think about sleeping makes me want to sleep so badly, but I can't because I have worked myself into such an anxiety attack that now it is too late. I never had anxiety or insomnia before the VILLAIN decided to invade my life, but now that I have it, I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. Now that I have had this hysterectomy, it is getting worse. The anxiety that built up inside me just to get myself to have the surgery still lingers in my thoughts and feelings. The appointment with Dr. Magitbay next week is constantly on my mind, and I am scared to go.
My right breast hurts so bad, and I wonder if cancer has taken up residency again. It is this vicious cycle that Cancer patients go through. I'm sure it's nothing, but in the back of my head is that silly thought. The Lord has been so patient and loving to me, and I thank him forever for things and every one good in my life. With HIM, I know there is nothing I cannot endure. I try to find peaceful moments every day to reflect on all that HE has given me.
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