Christmas 2024

 

Frenchie,

You’ve been gone for ten months now. This is our first Christmas without you.

Last night, all I could think about was how many times I drove with you on Christmas Eve to get gift cards for the kids. You loved Christmas — it was always such a big part of our children’s lives. Now, looking back on all those years, I want to establish traditions that our children and grandchildren will remember long after I am gone to be with you. I’m not very good at traditions… well, at coming up with them — so I’ll have to ask around for help.

I woke up this morning and looked at your face on the pillow, whispering a quiet Merry Christmas. I took a shower and got ready for the day, but this year I didn’t put much effort into decorating. It didn’t seem right without you. Honestly… nothing seems right without you. I’m still trying to process the fact that you are gone — and the terribly tragic moment on that beach when I watched you leave me. The nightmares are still unbearable.

This Christmas was very quiet. None of the kids came over. I drove by Blake and Chloe’s home… and then by Kaitlyn and Brian’s. But I didn’t stay. It hurts to think that our grandchildren will not know you — the laughter you brought, the joy you added to this family, especially on Christmas Day. Thank you for all the years and Christmases we spent together; they truly were magical.

Dr. Lettieri called me today to check on me. I thought that was really sweet of him — a kindness I didn’t expect, but one that warmed my heart.

I found myself thinking about that Kathy Lee watch. I teased you so much when I opened it, knowing exactly where you bought it — Walmart, the night before Christmas — with Mike Scow by your side, hunting for anything that would make Jenny and me happy. I still have that watch, still in the box it came in. You swore up and down it wasn’t from Walmart, but we both knew the truth. We got so many laughs out of that moment, and you were always such a good sport when I teased you.

I keep thinking about Christmases past — and I cannot think of one that wasn’t full of fun and joy because Christmas meant so much to you. I remember our first Christmas after we were married. We had Kayla and Blake. They were so little, but you made sure Kayla felt extra special that day. Blake was only a few months old, so we knew he wouldn’t remember — and I’m sure Kayla doesn’t either — but you bought her a little doll, and she loved it.

I was alone most of the day, and I was okay with that… until it got dark. Because then I knew I would be walking up those stairs to bed alone. And now I’m sitting on our bed, looking at your pillow and wondering what you’re doing today, where you are, who you are with. I wish I knew exactly what happens after death… all I know for sure is that I will see you again. The covenants we made in the Temple — the promises we made to each other — will make every moment of this loneliness worth it. Eternity with you sounds perfect.

I love you so much.

Merry Christmas, Babe.
Love,
Monya

Perspectives

 

Dear Frenchie,

I don’t understand why people assume that when someone dies, the surviving spouse is automatically “taken care of,” or that I should have money to spare. My Uncle Mike is now going to lose his house because the contractor they hired skipped town with their money. I don’t know why they paid him so much up front. He called me, crying, and asked to borrow some cash. Eric, you know how much I love him and Auntie Ann, but you taught me not to do business with family. We’ve been let down by too many people — including family.

You were always the one who handled those kinds of decisions. On top of that, I received a notice from the IRS saying I owe $78,000. I don’t know what to do. Alt Key will review it, but it’s due December 1st — and interest starts accruing daily until it’s paid. Dana won’t settle, and that stresses me out.

On a happier note, I finally finished my sixth year with Dr. Amen and am now legally a certified life coach. I know that would make you smile. I even thought about calling myself The Happiness Junkie. But I’m not going to publish it. You saw how the kids reacted to the first book — and even though I’m starting a new chapter of life without you, I have to protect my heart from being hurt like that again.

I’m finishing the last chapter of Pebbles in My Pockets, but I haven’t decided whether to publish it. Producers from all kinds of agencies have called, wanting to turn I CAN-CER VIVE into a movie. One company even offered to fund the entire production and wanted me on set to ensure it was done tastefully. But if the kids didn’t like me writing a book, they would definitely be against a movie.

The Netflix contract I signed is now null and void — and honestly, that was a blessing in disguise. I still got paid for it. Part of me wants to publish Pebbles in My Pockets because it truly is the story of my life… but telling the kids might trigger something in me and probably in them, too. So for now, I’m keeping it private.

I’ve been studying perspectives, and, wow —do I have different ones now. People act for a reason, and that reason is rooted in our brains. What I’m experiencing — grieving your loss — is very different from the kids losing a father. They do not know our whole story, and I want to keep it that way. They love you from a child’s point of view; they want me to think they knew all our secrets, or even that they knew you better than I did. You and I both know that’s simply not true.

You and I knew everything about each other. We spent over 40 years figuring out life and how to connect with each other. It all comes down to perspective, and mine are mostly good memories. I’ve tried to erase the bad, but I know those struggles taught us how to survive the circumstances we created when we were younger.

I once blamed you for awful things you did to me — but now, after our last night together, your tears when you said, "You are the love of my life, and I am sorry for things I've done to hurt you." That is all I ever wanted to hear from you, acknowledgment. I instantly forgave you for it all.

I also understand that I didn’t come from the same family as you. We entered a relationship with very different perspectives on life, raising kids, your dad, Betty, my mom, and my stepdad. With all that going on, we truly should have taken more time to be present in our marriage. 

I now know that everyone is dealing with something, and even if we don’t share someone’s perspective, that doesn’t diminish their truth. I’ve learned respect and compassion — and that is where I am now.

I love you, babe, and I know you will continue to guide me.

I’m so grateful we were sealed together for eternity. I look forward to holding your hand again.

Love,
Monya

My Experience in Maui

My Experience in Maui

Eric,

I needed to discover the truth for myself. So I scheduled appointments with the Maui Police Department and the medical examiners who handled your case after your passing. I felt compelled to meet with them and ask my questions — even though it took courage, I wasn’t sure I had.

I booked a flight to Maui for December and counted down to that trip for three months. To prepare spiritually for what I would discover there, I dedicated myself to studying the scriptures and praying. I wanted strength and peace before I set foot on that island again.

I rented a condo nearby and spent almost a week there before my meetings. You know me — I needed time to pace the floors, process everything, and wrestle with my thoughts. I stayed mostly inside, venturing out only once a day for a meal and a quiet sunset over the ocean.

Oh, and I met Linda and Kevin Bennett for dinner one night. I treasure my friendship with Linda — she kept me sane through the worst parts of my childhood, and she is one of the few who truly understands me. I will always love her. I thought of Jami too — how early she left this life, and how much I wish I could still be in touch with her.

My first appointment was with the police. When I saw the officer who helped lift you from the sand and guided me onto the ambulance that day, I immediately recognized him. He gave me a hug and asked how I’ve been. Most people ask out of courtesy, but I wasn’t fine. I haven’t been fine. I’ve been unraveling.

I asked about the witnesses—and whether they knew their names. They don’t release that information and ask why I wanted it. The truth was, I didn’t need the names — I was just talking, trying to connect dots in my head. I forgot to bring my notebook with my questions. Typical me. But after thanking them, they confirmed what the death certificate said: you drowned.

The next day, I met with the two medical examiners who performed your autopsy. I remembered barely anything from that day — just fragments —, and I needed clarity.

I asked if you were already gone before the EMTs worked on you for 45 minutes. They told me most likely, yes. The moment they said that, my eyes filled with tears. They gently explained that none of your organs — including your heart — showed trauma or inflammation. As they spoke, my own heart began pounding. I thought I might throw up. I shook my head “no” through much of it, remembering that awful day and reliving it with a different perspective. I cried hard.

They told me you died of what’s called a “dry drowning.” When I asked what that was, they explained that it’s most common in toddlers who accidentally inhale air into their lungs and never show distress — yet don’t wake up the next day. They said that when an adult drowns in Hawaii with no water in the lungs, doctors first want to know if there were heart issues. That might be why the EMTs asked me if you had ever had heart problems while they were working on you.

Their conclusion was compassionate and straightforward: In their opinion, you were caught in rough surf, probably panicked or fainted, and that’s when you drowned, and your spirit departed. They assured me you felt no pain. I left with a clearer understanding, and even though the truth was heavy, their patience and kindness gave me the answers I needed.

On my final morning, I knelt and prayed — asking Heavenly Father for strength once again. I drove to Black Rock Beach and sat in the car, listening for answers… but nothing came at first.

I brought a journal and something comfortable to sit on, hoping words or impressions might come to me. As I walked the path you and I had walked hand-in-hand just ten months earlier, the pain resurfaced. I stopped where Jori and I had once sat, remembering your hug and that last kiss you gave me. I remembered the moment you said to me, “I love you. I’ll see you soon.” Hearing you say it felt strange then… but meaningful now.

As I sat beside the place where your spirit left your body, memories came flooding back.

I watched your body being pulled from the water — blue and still — and I sat next to you as the EMT's tried to revive you. When they called the time of death, I screamed, “No! Please no, don’t leave me!” — the exact words that now play back in my memory like a nightmare. The police officer gently helped me up and into the ambulance.

I wrote this in my journal:

I just want the Lord to help me escape this storm I can’t get away from. People ask how they can help, but I don’t know what to tell them. I want to be brave and move forward, but I feel alone. It’s been almost ten months since I lost my favorite person — my sweet husband — in this very spot. I pray every morning and night, trying to appear strong, yet I still question why this happened, why you? Why now?

As I sat there, the waves crashed in and out, and something incredible happened — something only Heavenly Father could have orchestrated.

Suddenly, everything went quiet. I sensed His presence so strongly I looked to my right … and there you were. Sitting beside me. Young. Peaceful. Beautiful. You looked at me and said softly, “Hello, sweetheart.”

I couldn’t touch you… But I could see you and hear you. Just the two of us on that beach. At first, I thought it was a dream — like those dreams I had of your mom when she passed, or the spiritual experiences I had during my cancer journey. But this felt different. I wasn't dreaming this was Real.

You looked at me and said, “Don’t cry. I am so happy. I’m with mom and dad.”

I began asking questions — some you couldn’t answer — but one you could: “Were you scared? Did you have pain?”

You told me there is nothing negative where you are. Nothing at all. You confirmed you did not die in pain, and that you are no longer scared or anxious. You told me it is beautiful where you are and that God is real. You said you watched me on the beach after your spirit left your body — saw my fear and pain — but could do nothing to help.

Then you said something that pierced my heart:

“Believe me — Heavenly Father is proud of you.”

You reminded me of the strength I’ve had throughout my life. You told me that before I came to earth, He knew I would face trials… but if I stayed close to the Lord, I would be blessed through them — and grow into the woman He designed me to be.

You told me to give my heart to Heavenly Father — that He sees beauty from within. And then you whispered… “You are beautiful.”
I thought of all the times you told me that, even when I struggled to believe it — especially after my facial paralysis. I cried, embarrassed by how much it meant.

You sat with me for four hours — longer than I realized. I knew that Jesus had escorted you to me — that Heavenly Father prepared me spiritually so I could receive what I needed.

You said:

• Continue to attend the Temple.

• The covenants we made are sacred.

• Those covenants will bring us together again.

• No matter what choices our children make, we did our best.

• Jesus Christ lives and loves all of God’s children.

You reminded me that love eternal never dies — and that I will see you again.
You told me to be happy and to keep serving and preparing.

You said your work continues — that you are serving others, sharing the Gospel as a missionary in the next life. I am so proud of you.

I will keep those covenants we made in the Temple. I will continue to serve others. I will prepare to see you again.

My love for you is eternal, sacred, and deeply profound.
This isn’t goodbye…
I’ll see you soon, my love.

Love,
Monya

                                        

Our First and Last Thanksgiving

 Hey Frenchie-

I am so overwhelmed and feel like I have no one I can trust to talk to. You were my one and done, my first and last lover. The day I leave this earth will be the happiest day of my life, for I will get to look into your beautiful eyes and hold you in my arms. Oh, what a day that will be. By then, you will have everyone convinced Donald Trump was the best President the world has ever had; it probably won't go quite like that, but I can dream. 

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, Eric; you would have loved it. Chloe is organized, you know? She called me and asked what the plan was for Thanksgiving. The next thing I knew, she had everyone's responsibility to bring for dinner. Blake Chloe made the Turkey, and it was unbelievably good. Kaitlyn made that raspberry jello salad. She tried to tell us it was a salad. Who's she kidding? That was our favorite dessert. She also made cream cheese with spicy cranberry jelly dip appetizer; you would have loved her sweet potatoes, too. I am trying to remember everything that was brought, but it was the best ever. I missed having Haleigh and Scott. She is still not talking to me, but I am no longer taking on anyone else's drama; I can't do that again. I would love to talk to her, and I think it is sad I don't get to see Ellis & Sena, but I cannot control this, so I'm letting it go for now.

Kayla went to New Mexico with Jeremy. His sister Megan was in a severe car accident with her family and Eric; it was terrible. Her husband and all of her children died. Megan was pregnant, so they had to do an emergency C-section, and that sweet little baby also died. I believe she was carrying her sixth child. I can't imagine waking up in the hospital and being told that my entire family was gone. She has strong faith, and that is what carried her through when her daughter died a few years ago. This is different; there is no husband to lean on. I hope her faith will take her through this trial. I pray for her every day.

I hoped the entire family would see the importance of being together for the first Thanksgiving without you and our last one in this house. You know what? I was grateful to the ones who could come. Kaitlyn said, "Mom, you made a perfect chocolate pie. I love it." That truly made my heart break. Do you know when you remember those moments as a child, and no one else does? This was like that. I automatically thought of my mom. She only complimented me once in my life, when she said I had the remarkable ability to forgive people. I remember where I was standing, what I was wearing, and how incredible it made me feel to have my mom acknowledge me in such a way. I will never forget this moment when Kaitlyn complimented me. I loved it. I also loved hearing the kids talk about the fun memories they shared with you. 

The night before Thanksgiving is usually the night you and I—well, really me—stay in the kitchen all day, wanting Thanksgiving to be perfect. You always went to Costco at the last minute for a sale on Pumpkin pie, and you were my go-to for running errands and picking up last-minute things from the store guy. I miss you coming in with that sly look like you thought you were in trouble with two turkeys in hand. Every year, I would ask, "When will we eat another Turkey before our next Thanksgiving?" It bugged me so much because the following year, you would want to donate it; well, you always wanted expired food to go to a shelter or be  donated somewhere, and every year, I would tell you, "Let's find a family who could use it this year."That never happened. I miss those little things. Every year, there was an argument about who I was inviting and whether we had enough tables and chairs- you knew we did. Your passive aggressiveness was saying, "Can you clean the tables and chairs so I don't have to do it?" It bugged me then, but I've changed since you left me. I can only control myself, and I've been leading with compassion towards people who say things that are just stupid- bless their hearts. They just don't understand the depth of my loneliness.

I'm packing up the house and don't want to get up in the attic—ugh—but you know I will get up on that ladder and start throwing things out. If there is anything worth keeping, I will save it, but honestly, what were we thinking, putting my old vinyl records up there? I'm sure they are cracked and wilted by now. There is certainly a lot to keep me busy for a few months. How in the world did we accumulate so much crap? I need to find out how much it will cost to have the city drop off a large garbage bin. I also need to call about getting someone to come to our house and shred everything that was essential papers. I know how important that was to you. 

Overall, our Thanksgiving was wonderful. Everyone got along, but everyone missed you, and I left your end seat empty—no one sat in it. 

I need some strength right now. I'm going to ask Brother Arnold to give me a blessing. I pray every night and listen for answers, but nothing comes, so I am overthinking this whole 'moving' thing. 

It's time for bed. Tomorrow, I will begin putting up Christmas, and I will think of you the entire time, knowing this is your favorite time of year. 

Love,

Monya

Unconditional Love

Dear Frenchie,

I’m in Utah visiting Teri. Two nights ago, I fell off a ladder and ended up in the hospital. I hit the ground so hard — it really scared me. Thankfully, I have no broken bones, but I have severe bruising on my hip, shoulder, leg, and left arm. My neck has been hurting like hell, too.

I just want to go home. I’ve been crying myself to sleep lately, the same way I did when you left me. We had such a wonderful life together. I look around and see so many people struggling to stay together. The only time the “D” word ever entered my mind during our marriage was when you had your first heart attack — what an unbelievably frightening time for both of us. I assumed you wanted to divorce me because I hadn’t heard from you… What a painful misunderstanding that was.

Now, seeing so many friends divorcing after decades of marriage, I’m eternally grateful that I will be with you forever. The Lord has truly blessed me. When I think about how easily I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, or worse when I was younger, I know it was prayer that saved me. I promised Heavenly Father I’d follow Him if He would get me out of the chaos I lived in — and He did.

Then I found you.

I remember being the “Mormon Nerd” — and yeah, that’s a fair description. I was so afraid of doing anything wrong, at least until three years into dating you! Lol. Looking back, I realize how scared you were of disappointing your dad right after your mom died. I’m so glad you finally learned to release that shame. As LDS members, we shame ourselves far too much. The closest thing to a perfect person I have ever met was your mom… and oh, how I miss her.

I wouldn’t trade our memories for anything in the world. We have many.

I know this:
I loved each of our children. I gave them all my heart, and I love them even more now as I watch them become beautiful wives and mothers. Blake is a good man, a committed husband, and an incredible father. Even though you and I never fully understood why some of our kids stepped away from the church, I’ve learned what unconditional love truly means. I love our children for who they are — not because of where they stand spiritually. They are grown adults, and as much as I wish I could go back and do it all over again… that simply is not His plan.

I love you, and I need to get to bed soon.

You won’t believe this — but I’m having a yard sale. Yes, really. I hate yard sales, but you, my man, left me with a lot of “stuff” I never even knew we had. You were incredible at hiding your things. I always thought I would die first so you would be the one to have to go through it all. Lol. Now I’m entering a new phase of life — living alone in a home where I don’t really know anyone. My biggest fear is that the kids will forget about me.

Next month I will be sixty-two, and I only have three more years until retirement. I’m counting down the years. I won’t have a mortgage, thanks to you. Blake thinks our house will sell for more than a million, and the new home is worth less than that, so I should be okay financially. Ronnie Mabry keeps reassuring me about everything. When I call him worried, he laughs and says:

“Eric was always worried about you and told us the most endearing stories about you. He really loved you a lot. You are in a good position. Stop worrying.”

So I’m trying. Really trying.

I love you, babe.
Good night, my love.

Monya

Kayla & Jeremy & Probate

 Dear Frenchie,

Today, Kayla came to the house with the boys. They are getting big, but they are still so sweet and kind. Kayla asked if we could speak in private, so we went to our bedroom and sat on the bed. I knew something terrible would come out of her mouth, but I did not expect to hear what she said.

It took her a while to find her words, and her eyes filled with tears. I said, "What's wrong?" She began telling me about her marriage and how difficult it is to be married to Jeremy. She said he gets into these rages and lashes out by throwing things at her and screaming. She played me a recording she made during one of his rages. Eric, our little girl, was terrified. As I listened to her cry for help, I teared up. It was awful. I wish you were here to help, but I know you will guide me, as her mother, and her, as our firstborn, with your spirit. I had her turn it off because it was tough to listen to. I immediately went to her and hugged her, telling her I loved her. 

There were infidelities involved, and it made me sick to my stomach. She continued telling me about the domestic violence she has been receiving from Jeremy since they got married. That means sixteen years of this, and why didn't I know? I'm her mother, shouldn't I know? Were there warning signs? 

She said Ezra told her he was scared, and that was all she needed to hear. She asked Jeremy to move out, and he did. I'm so proud of her strength, but you know, as well as I do, we do anything to keep our children safe. 

October 17th

I'm visiting with Teri Padovich and received a message from Jeremy asking if he could buy that big tent in the garage. I told him yes, not knowing what that thing was worth. Kayla met him at the house and gave him the tent.

Today, she told me they are going to separate for six months to see if he can get the mental help he needs. They will reevaluate after six months before making any permanent decisions. I told her I would support her in any decision she makes. I just want to be there for her with no judgment. I'm learning to lead compassionately, knowing we all make mistakes and that I love Jeremy. I don't like how he has treated her, but I still love him. I'm worried about him.

I'm still in probate because of Dana Harper. He has no case; we offered him his 1/4 share, $75,000, but he would not budge. Blake found an attorney. I really like him. He contacted Denny Dobbins and Nate Skinner to get more information. They both told him Dana has no proof of you, and he has decided to split the rent money, and he is asking for $250,000. I told the attorney our children had not paid a cent to live in that house. So now we are going to court, and Dana will have to pay my attorney's fees. No judge on the face of the earth will look at him and tell him I owe him that money. We offered him exactly what he would receive at the full appraisal: of that house is $300,000. 

The attorney said, "What kind of friend comes begging for money from his dead friend's wife?"

I miss you so much and wish we could talk. I'm in tears all the time. I had no idea that I would be grieving and going through this at the same time. I love you. I miss you, and there are days when I have to kneel several times to ask for guidance. You are with me. I know where you are is beautiful, and you have work to do, but I want you back. I'm not ready to let you go; I never will be. It's time for bed. I will write again, you know I will.

See You Soon

Monya

Taxes

 Frenchie, I started gathering all I needed to for our 2023 taxes. I'm sorry, but I never appreciated your hard work, not only for our family but also for filing our taxes. You were right, it SUCKS.

I'm not sure if I'm doing everything right, but the folks at Alt Key have been great about helping me. I am happy to say, tomorrow I will be turning all the tax information over to them.

I will be driving to Carlsbad again on Saturday with Josh and Dulce. We will meet Jori and Dwight at their condo, and then Dwight will drive Josh's car home. Believe it or not, he did not want to go to Disneyland with us. I know that was not your favorite place to go, and it is not the happiest place on earth. Jori wants to go to Sea World again. Eric, you, and I went there in January with them, and I do not want to go but have a hard time saying no to Jori. 

I went to Kara's today. Her daughter Graci is now helping with my hair extensions. The other lady was too out there for me. The last time I went in, she said, "So, you're single, right?" I answered NO. Then she said, "Didn't you recently lose your husband?" I said, "Well, I didn't lose him; he left to be in his next life." She looked at me like I was an idiot. Then said, "You know what I mean. You don't have a husband you are living with, so you are not having sex, right?" Then I told her it was really none of her business. She proceeded to ask if I was Mormon, I told her "Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" She said, "Well, I have a client who came the other day; she is a divorced Mormon and thinks it's ok to masturbate; can you believe that?"

I had no idea what to say. I just looked at her like she was an alien, which I think she is. Then she said, "The Church is against masturbation. Didn't a bishop ever ask you how many times you did that a week when you were growing up?" I said, "No, I have never been asked that question ..." When I was trying to finish my sentence, she interrupted me and said, "Well, I did, and I was told never to do that and that it's unpure. This lady has been divorced for a while, and she said she masturbates... OMG, so against the church. No matter what your age or marital status. PERIOD." Then she proceeded to ask my take on using a vibrator; I told her I believed everything she was talking about had more to do with the person's personal relationship with God than it does with 'the church.' I have never been asked such questions before. I no longer wanted to participate in this discussion and tuned her out. 

Grace is getting married in December; I can't wait to attend her reception. It should be beautiful. When Kara started cutting my hair 30 years ago, Graci wasn't born. I remember how excited Kara was to be pregnant with a girl, and I told Graci that today. I wished someone could tell our daughters and Blake how I felt about being pregnant with each of them. I loved being pregnant. I never got sick and didn't gain too much weight. With Kayla and Blake, I lost weight, remember? You know that seems like yesterday?

I had lunch with Linda Bennett on Monday. Her oldest son, Kevin, named after his dad, lives less than a mile from us. Geez, I remember when he was born, also. How does time go so quickly?

I need to get to bed, Kaitlyn is coming over tomorrow, and I am excited to see her, so I need to get to bed.

I miss you and love you so much.

Monya

Vito Dies

 Frenchie, maybe you know I'm not sure, but Vito passed away on Sept 16, 2024. I will be going to his funeral tomorrow.

I'm so glad I could visit him and JoAnne a month ago. I was looking forward to living down the street from them. I haven't spoken to JoAnne, but I think she was getting prepared for him leaving. He fell on his electric scooter a month ago, which is why I went to visit them.

JoAnne told Terry, JoAnne said, "How could we lose Eric and Vito in the same year?" I am so sad for her. I think I am more sensitive about death now. I understand how she feels. I miss you so much, sometimes I still can't believe you are gone. 

I just finished reading the Book of Mormon. I don't know who could read it and not feel its truthfulness. My testimony and faith have been tested this year, but I know that when I pray, I always feel close to Heavenly Father. 

I'm so glad I have the gospel in my life. I have never needed it more than I do now. I am worried about moving into the new house and going to a new ward. Eric, we have been in this ward for over 30 years. I always thought we would never move because we loved our ward so much, but when it was split, everything changed. It's just not the same. The people in the 6th ward that we know and love have told me they feel the same about their new ward. I have been truly blessed by the prayers of many people in these wards. I will always be grateful for our connections here, but moving is the right thing to do, even if I am as scared as I am. 

See You Soon

Monya

Carlsbad

 Frenchie, I visited Carlsbad, California, with Jori and her sister Jill. Dwight and Jeff showed up on Thursday.

I had a long conversation with Dwight while we were there. I wanted to talk to him in private about the reason for your death. I needed to approach this conversation carefully because I didn't want him to feel like I did when the kids told me. I know how much Dwight loves you, and he tears up when he talks about you. 

Our conversation went about as well as the conversation went with the kids. I begged him to please read the report and that I was sure he would agree about the drowning. Then he got really sad and said he had been thinking about it since Blake called him. He started to cry and told me about the day C.J. died and how guilty he felt. He walked me through the entire day, and I began to cry, too. I can't imagine losing one of my children or grandchildren. He shared a very intimate experience and told me he hadn't talked about or told anyone about it until that day. I appreciated him sharing it and knew it must have been hard. 

He shared it with me for a reason. I asked him if this was why he could not or would not read the police report. He stared at me and said, "I saw Eric wave at me Monya. I will never say that didn't happen." I told him I believed him. He doesn't want to know the truth about what happened that day. I understand the initial shock; I felt like that, too. I am so grateful Kaitlyn asked for those reports. It's been hard to relive it repeatedly, but knowing the truth will eventually be the best for me. I just have to get past learning how you died. So, unless Jori and Dwight ask me for the report, I won't discuss it again. 

Love You

Monya

Dana Harper

 Frenchie, I left with Jori and her sister Jill for Carlsbad a few days ago. Yesterday, we spent time at the beach. The weather was so nice; you would have loved it. I can't go to any beach without thinking of you. It's hard to believe almost 7 months have passed since you left me. 

Blake called to check in on me today. I asked him to help me with taxes, but I've never done them alone or with your income. You would be proud of Blake. He has stepped up to the plate and been here for me. I took you for granted in so many ways. Now that I am having to organize and shuffle what you left for me, my life has been very busy. Everything is done except for the properties in Mexico. However, the probate was supposed to be over on September 3rd, but Dana filed something on September 3rd to stop it from going through. I really don't like him. I have never liked him, and I do not know why you would partner with him. You are so much better than that. Now, he is making posts on social media about how disappointed I was; did he think I would just write him a check for what he claims you owe him? Did he forget I was with you when you purchased the home? 

I don't know if I mentioned Nate Skinner is my probate attorney. You wouldn't like this, but Dana Harper has shown up at his office a few times asking about the property you and he bought together. He has a woman call the office and pretend to be counsel for him, but when Nate's p.a. asked what firm she was with, she would not answer and hung up. Then he showed up at Nate's office snooping around, wanting info on my probate and letting them know he owns the house you bought together. I am so upset with him. I understand that he wants to know what will happen with the house, but I don't understand that he wants to sue me for $250,000. He thinks I am stupid; the money he is suing me for is a wild number he pulled out of his butt ... lol. Actually, he says that is the amount you owe him for rent. He says you and verbally agreed that you would split the rent. Little does he know we have not collected any rent money. Half of nothing is nothing. You were right he is trying to get something for nothing, he is a freeloading whore.

Two weeks ago, someone showed up at Kayla and Jeremy's house, saying Dana wanted to do a walkthrough so he could see what shape it was in. Jeremy told him no, and of course, Kayla was upset. I reassured her that I would do all I could to keep him from taking away their home. Blake hired a real estate attorney to move forward. I called Taz, and Blake was talking with him, too. He said we need to develop a figure that he owes us based on Dana's assessment of how he reached $250,000. Eric, I know how reactive I can be. I decided if Blake would take this one by the wheel, I would greatly appreciate it. I don't want to say anything to Dana I would regret, so I'm grateful Blake is helping with this. Dana has not changed at all. You warned me about him, but I never thought he would stoop this low. No worries it will all get taken care of.

Sonya & Kris

Frenchie, Uncle Mike, and I had a great time in Mexico. He got a little sick, not the throwing up sick, but his muscles were hurting him, and he was fatigued. He loved Mexico and said over and over again, "I can see why Eric loves it here; it's beautiful."

I love spending time with him and have learned more about my Belshe family than I ever wanted to know. I found out the Belshe family is filled with family members who have had cancer, strokes, and autoimmune diseases. I guess that answered a lot of my questions about my health. I have had all of those things happen to me, cancer, mini-stroke, and horrible autoimmune diseases. Uncle Mike also told me that there are many Belshes who suffer from mental illness. Some won't admit it because they don't want to sound weak. Now, this one I don't understand, and not because I don't have mental issues but because the Belshe family wants everyone to think they are superior to the rest of us and mental illness would never be "their" problem.

Oh well, it's a learning curb for me hearing all of this stuff. I had to pull it out of Uncle Mike. He doesn't talk about people and doesn't want me to think anything different about his siblings. No doubt Sonya and Kris have mental issues. I guess I have to give them a break since mental illness is passed down from generation. 

Eric, I still cannot forgive my sisters for not contacting me after you passed away. I can't get over how many times you pulled them out of financial situations without asking for anything back from them, and they can't send a text saying, "Sorry to hear about Eric." I have let so much of their crap bother me over the years, but I am done, for sure, with both of them. They remind me of my mother; if they act like it didn't happen, then they don't have to do something about it. Sonya and Greg were more worried about their reputation or Justen's repetition as a surgeon than they were about how Haleigh was doing or the facts. The fact is Justen told you and I in Bishop Greer's office that he sexually molested Haleigh. The details he told us made me sick. How could Kris and Sonya think what he did was ok? They don't, but admitting what he did shows weakness on their side, and how could they ever admit weakness? It leads me to wonder if they were ever molested by Gary. Sonya said he touched her boobs one time, and Kris has never discussed it, only to say she was molested too. I protected Kris by making sure I was the one who slept in Gary's bed so Kris wouldn't have to. I understand now why they were adamant about knowing what happened to me. 

I'm happy I didn't share that with them. You are the ONLY person I have ever admitted to what happened to me. I'm not sure why I told you about that when we were in Hawaii, mostly because I knew you wanted to know everything. I kept some of that secret for so long because I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. Thank you for letting me share those intimate, disgusting details with you and not judging me. I love that I could finally share all of that with you after all these years. You held me, said you were sorry this happened to me, and wished you could have protected me. I love you even more for understanding and sympathizing with the situation I was forced into. I don't regret not telling you. My therapist thought it would be best that I didn't because it was not going to help you forgive my parents. It would only push you to the edge of wanting to kill Gary. 

I love you and miss you so much. I wish grieving wives could have one time when the veil is lifted, and we could see what our husbands are doing all day. I remember telling you about the experience I had with your mom and dad when I was resuscitated during surgery. I don't think you believed me, but now you know. Heaven is beautiful, and everything we have been taught about our life after death is true. Knowing you are doing good things with your mom, I have made peace with you leaving me. I can see now how Heavenly Father was preparing me for your death. I have had many dreams where I am with your mom, and you asked me one time after I had a dream, "Why don't I ever dream?" I now know exactly where you are, but not sure what you are doing. Now, you are living in the world I want to live in. No judgment, no comparisons, and a lot of love and serenity. Enjoy my love.

I am looking forward to the CHOSEN starting in September. For some reason, watching the new season will bond me even closer to you. XOXO

Uncle Mike

Frenchie, Uncle Mike came and visited me. I picked him up at the airport, and he looks really good. I wish he wasn't so hard on himself. He thinks he is going to Hell ... literally. When I asked him why he would say that to me, he said there was a bishop who came to their house and told them they were going to Hell because Aunt Ann was not baptized and that they did not get married in the Temple. I was so sad to hear him tell me that story. This is one of the reasons so many people talk bad about the LDS religion. Why in the hell would anyone say that to someone? I'm pretty sure you know more than I do now, but I do not believe the Heavenly Father I know would be ok with anyone telling him that, especially a bishop.

I love Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann. I'm so glad I've made a connection with them. I had no idea Uncle Mike was ten years younger than my dad. He told me he was as bad as Colby. I told him I didn't believe that and knew he never went to jail. He has this terrible self-image.  Because he married Jane young, they had two girls, and Jane talked horribly about Mike; those girls don't speak to him. It is unfortunate. He has a lot of shame because of it but makes no excuses; he lives with the agony of having daughters in Arizona who do not want anything to do with him, but he is not like Colby except for the kind heart that they both have. Those boys were so misunderstood. I wish things could have been different with my dad. I wanted to have him in my life, but I needed to understand where he was as a teenager. I have abandonment issues because of Colby. Well, not only him; my mom walked away from me when I needed her most. 

Uncle Mike and I are driving to Mexico tomorrow; he has an appointment with a dentist. Remember him telling us about his teeth going bad after he started taking heart medication? He's getting old, Eric. I will miss him so much when he passes on to your world. He asked me if I would put his Temple clothes on him when he dies. I told him I would be honored to do that for him. Then he told me he wanted to be cremated; I'm not sure if the "Church" would approve, but you know me ... I don't care, and I am not going to ask if he can be burned with his temple clothing on. This was a very uncomfortable conversation, and I hoped and prayed he would not ask me if it was okay with the church; he didn't. 

He was sleeping on the sofa; he didn't want to go upstairs and share a bathroom with me. I hope he thinks the couch is as comfortable as I told him. 

I love you so much. I'm not sure how I got so blessed to be married to you. Thank you for understanding my crazy, messed-up life. You didn't know what you were getting into when we married, but I could not and would not want to do it with anyone else. I have to go to bed. I'm going to your happy place tomorrow.

I Bought a House

Frenchie, have you been listening to me? I needed your opinion on moving, one of the things I miss the most about you is our sincere talks. I know you better than anyone on Earth, and I know you stood before your Heavenly Father with great pride. 

So I wanted to talk to you tonight; I need to decide about moving. I met the children at Reserve at Red Rock so they could see my interest in the home. Surprisingly, they all loved that I was considering moving to where you sold homes. Terry walked me through several specs. I thought I was set on one until I was told the house would be done in October. I am not emotionally ready to do that yet. Would you be if I was gone? You

would have stayed in this house, even if it's because you would never want to clean it out. Today, when I was at Red Rock, I told Terry I could not move that quickly, and he said he understood. He really has been so kind to check up on me. I saw the lot you saved for the lady whose husband passed away. He was a pastor, and they lived on a ranch, but she could not sell her house. I asked Terry about the lot and if I could build something new. He asked Jeff, and he approved it. Today, I wrote a check for $100,000, which was weird. I've always had to make decisions like this with you. I can't count how many times I asked Terry, "What would Eric do?" 

I bought a house, WHAT? I love that the neighbors all know you and love you. Terry and I went to Vito's house to visit him and his wife. He is something else. When I came into the house, he tried to kiss me on the lips. I knew it was just the Italian in him, and Joanna didn't seem to mind. It's who he is. Remember when we went to dinner with them? He was quite a hoot, and the stories he told were funny. I think about that night and can see you laughing so hard. You winked at me when he tried to kiss me that night. I was a little grossed out until you explained Vito to me. Vito said, "I loved Eric. Do you know what he always said when he saw me?" I said, "No, but I'm sure you are about ready to tell me." With a big smile, he said, "Eric always said, when I grow up, I want to be like Vito."

You Are A Man of God

Hey Frenchie, I've been deciding whether to stay or stay in this house we built together. Blake showed me a house this week in Gilbert. A smaller home sounds much better than this BIG house and yard.  It's such a hard decision; we built this house as we wanted. We built this house around the pantry. Remember how adamant I was about having a big pantry? You made sure I had the pantry of my dreams. Thank you for loving me that much... lol.

I received a phone call from Lori Blandford telling me that Jeff was offering to sell me any of his specs for his cost. My initial reaction was to tell her no, I'm not ready for that yet. This is my worst nightmare. It goes to show me that I never know exactly what is going to happen next. I miss you very much. My heart is still broken. 

I cry myself to sleep every night and hold your pillow close. You are the last person on earth I could imagine dying. Mainly because you were bigger than life and loved life. I want you to know I forgive you for things I brought up to you often about our past. I appreciate that you apologized to me the night before you died, but why? Did you know you were going to die? When I look back at the last month before you passed, there are too many things you said or did that make me believe you knew this was coming. Not too many people get a second chance at life. You did and made up for so many years that I knew you felt disconnected from our children. You made that all right with them; each loves you so much.

I wish you were sitting next to me on our bed. I know you loved when I wrote in this blog. I really wish you had left more of your life experiences with the kids. You really didn't like to write things down. Lol, but I would give anything to have your journals. I read from your missionary journal that you only wrote for the first six months. What happened? I remember things you told me about your mission, but you didn't talk much about it. Did you think any of us would be disappointed in you? I hope you never felt that because the man I started dating over forty years ago was a man of God. I loved how humble you were. I saw that side of you again in the past year and a half. Heavenly Father is so happy with you. We all make mistakes, but the Atonement covers all of them. Every day, I am grateful that I married you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Save me a place. I cannot wait to see you again. I long for your fantastic hugs.

To Move or Not to Move

 Dear Frenchie,

Today, I went to see the model home again. I don't know how Terry could stand looking into your office without crying. Justin has your office now; I couldn't bring myself to go in there.

Last week, when I was praying, I wondered if you could hear my prayers where you are. I need to start considering moving; the maintenance on this house is so much work. Blake showed me a cute home in Gilbert near the Groves. I asked Heavenly Father what Eric would do when I knelt to pray that night. What would Eric want me to do? I kissed you good night, hugged you, said I love you, and went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to a Text from Lori Blandford. She said Jeff offered me any specs he had at his price. Of course, my limited thinking said no right away; I told her all of the specs were too far from our children and grandchildren. Then Kayla and the boys came by to visit. She's been helping me so much to organize some of your things. We are good, Eric, Kayla, and I respect and love one another's perspectives. She is our sweet little firstborn, and she still is. We talked, and I told her Jeff's offer; she said, "Mom, move to The Reserve at Red Rock." Can you imagine me in the desert with rattlesnakes? She continued, "It's what dad has always wanted; you should consider it."

Last Saturday, I ran out to Red Rock and visited with Terry. He misses you a lot. He said he had to work three months in a row with no days off, and it about killed him. Jeff wanted to do all the paperwork when and if I liked any of the specs. I had to tell Terry, so he took me to the specs he thought I would like. Of course I love them, all model homes are perfect. But I was ok with the house Blake offered me. It was built in the 80s, but I could live there; you know how much I love that Groves area. And it is still close to the kids. But when I saw the price of the home, Terry showed me I was interested in the price difference. By far, Jeff gave me the best deal; even Terry was surprised. I told him I needed to talk to the kids and get their opinion on moving so far. I left them all a group text telling them I was going to Reserve at Red Rock, and they were welcome to come and help me make decisions.

Kaitlyn and Kayla met me first. Blake's family came a little later. They looked at the two specs I wanted to choose from, and they all gave the same opinion, but it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't believe they all agreed to let me buy out there. I have been so torn, not knowing what to do. I need your help.

I went to the models again today, and Jori and Dwight picked me up. Terry's probably getting tired of me already. We first looked at the spec the kids liked, then went to the spec I was proposing, lot #150. I could hear the girls talking, and they thought spec #72 was their choice. I was so grateful for their opinions and surprised they were okay with me leaving our home. I'm not ok with leaving our home quite yet, but Blake assured me they all think it would be good for me and that the home he showed me is a house from the 80s, and Jeff is offering me a brand new home for less than a home built in the '80s.

Dwight and Jori loved the view from the model you sat in. Then I asked about a new build on the lot next to the models, and that view brought me to tears. I could see you sitting out there, taking in the beautiful view of the Red Rock. I could feel you with me. I asked Terry about the new build, and he said it wouldn't be ready until March or April. That was a relief to me. I'm not ready to leave our home, the home we built together all those years ago. The children were so young. Haleigh was only eighteen months old. I don't know how often I asked Terry, "What would Eric want me to do?" He said, "Eric would want that lot you picked; the view is spectacular, and I know he would want you to be happy."

I spoke with Ronny to see if he thought I could afford it. He told me, "Buying cash for that house is a no-brainer." I'm just waiting on a price from Jeff. I hope I'm not taking advantage of his offer to want the new home instead of a spec.

I love you so much. My heart hurts all the time. I doubt I will ever get to a place in the last chapter of my life where I don't cry a tear thinking of everything we have done together. It's just not supposed to be like this. I told you I'd never get re-married, and I won't—not because I think you wouldn't want me to, but because I could never find a man like you in my lifetime. We really had a beautiful love story; no one will ever be able to fill your shoes, babe.

I love you. See you soon.

Monya

Be Still My Soul

Dear Frenchie;

This has been a difficult week without you. We typically plan a summer trip to Paris, but who knows where we'd would go? IIt was always an adventure with you by my side. 'm not sure I can ever go back to Porte Jaune without you, my life is completely turned around right now and I continue to be triggered by the trauma of losing you.

Kayla has been coming over and helping me with going through your boxes upon boxes of 'stuff' that's all it is to me is just stuff without you nothing seems important to me, materially it is not the same without you. Blake's family is in California, making memories as a family. Haleigh and Scott have been gone all summer, I'm not sure when they will come home yet. I have been able to facetime with little Sena and Ellis. I can't begin to explain how important that was and I truly love her for thinking of me. Kaitlyn & Brian have been in Utah for a month or so. I sure miss them too, I tried to facetime with them but Kaitlyn never responded. She is working hard on her new job. I'm grateful she can be on vacation and work remotely. I think they came home yesterday.

When I was praying the other night I asked Heavenly Father help me make a decision about moving from this BIG house to a smaller one. Blake has been looking for me, he showed me house  he is remodeling by Lindsay and Elliott over by the Groves, you know I love the Groves. I went to look at it and it's the right size but the yard has a pool, and is bigger than I want. Luckily I have plenty of time to make those decisions. The next day after that prayer the Blandfords contacted me to say they would help me by allowing me to buy a spec home at cost. This is cheaper for a brand new house than the one Blake was showing me that was built in the 1980's.

I went to Reserve at Red Rock and found a lot I really liked. It was peaceful and quiet. Of course I am scared to death of the rattle snakes. Is this where you want me to be? Everyone in that neighborhood loves you, and I can't believe how many homes you sold.

Terry helped me walk through a couple of specs, I could feel your spirit there. You are so loved by so many of your clients ...? Is that what you call them? I spent some time with Sara and Isaiah and Saint. He is so cute and almost two next month. Sara is wanting to potty train Saint. Remember me doing that will all of our children? It seems like yesterday. Now they are potty training their own children. 

I'm waiting for the children to return from vacations so I can get their opinion. I will be sad to leave this home we have created for our family, but the upkeep and maintenance is going to kill me. I know you have always wanted to live out there in the dessert surrounded by cacti and rattle snakes. That part scares me, the walking trail is just behind lot 150 the spec I'm looking at. I thought it would be too far away from the children, but I rarely see or talk with them. Remember when Dad and Betty would get upset with us if we didn't talk constantly? I just know I should have never judged them because now as a grandmother of ten, I want to hear from them I want them to help me clear out this house but I'm afraid of getting rid of anything of yours.

Today in church I studied during the sacrament about covenants. I'm trying to keep the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father and you when we married for eternity. I will always love you with all my heart and cannot wait to see what eternity together is. I think of you 24/7 and think "What would Eric do.?" I cry daily remembering so much of our memories together, and the future memories we wanted to make with our children and grandchildren

I also looked at couples headstones together, you know I will be on top of you physically but with you in spirit when I die and I cannot wait for that day. In my bad humor I thought, "Well dad will be happy I'm on top." ha ha. But for now I will wait my time when the Lord wants me to come home, I just wish it was me first. I think the children would have liked more time with you. I love you so much, Kayla asked me about our story from beginning to end. I think I will type it up for her; I;m not sure the other kids will want to hear about you in a different light.I believe Kayla especially deserves to know the truth of what happened during that time. I wish I didn't have to do this but I know it is something she is really curious about. No matter what, I will let her know I have forgiven you and that you apologized the night at dinner in front of the Udall's the night before you died. 

I understand the shame you felt, I know you wanted to make your parents proud of you. I wish you never felt that, it was a different time in the church when we were raised and you had lovely parents who wanted to protect you. I will talk to you soon, I'm struggling right now with why Heavenly Father would take you from me at such a young age. I'm sure I'll never get that answer; I just want you back, physically with me.

See you Soon

I love you Monya

GOOD FOOD

 Dear Frenchie;

It's been so long, and I'm sorry, but life is upside down. 

I can't stop thinking about the night we were looking for a place to make out; you were a horn dog. We pulled over in a dark neighborhood, hoping we wouldn't get caught. Lol, but we did but the police, It was the Lords way of saying "Stop that." and we should have, but I was in Love with you. Remember how I kept you off of me for over 4 months. I love hugging you tight and the chills in our bodies. But I wanted to be a clean and virtuous bride. You, on the other hand, were a 29-year-old virgin, and you were horney.

Why did you wait so long to get married? If I even glanced at a very handsome man ... you hated it. You know you were jealous. Remember when we went out to eat with Kurt & Amy at some dump on Main Street? I will never forget you walking out and someone asking how the food was, and you pointed at the building and, in the weirdest voice, said, "GOOD FOOD." Amy and I couldn't stop laughing while Kurt just shook his head with that cute smile. Those were good times with them. I love them so much. Kurt called to check on me; he's sweet, much like your mom. 

I've been thinking a lot about how much we loved each other with our whole hearts, and I've decided it came from watching your mom and dad be so in love with each other, always holding hands and going to your softball games, cheering you on. We learned those things from you, teaching me that love is not something you can touch; it's a feeling. I never doubted you because I knew where you came from, and unfortunately, you did not know where I came from. You had a lot of years to teach me, and boy, did we both learn a lot.

Okay, I gotta go to sleep. I have work tomorrow. I like those memories. I'll help you remember when I talked to your pillow.

See You Soon, Babe

Monya

I miss you

Frenchie, every day I am without you, I know I am one day closer to being with you. Today has been one of those days when I have been crying more than usual. I appreciate you so much for taking care of me when you were physically here. I took you for granted, and I miss you. I hate that life is going on around me, and I can't help but feel abandoned and lonely.

I had no idea I would have to make so many decisions. You protected me from a lot. I always thought I would go first, and you would move on, find a new wife, and be waiting for me. Why does this have to be so complicated? We had plans for this last chapter of our lives. Remember we were going to sell the house, live six months in Mexico, and spend six months at the cabin? You lived your life for our family to be safe and happy. 

I've been so depressed since I got home from San Carlos. Tomorrow night, I have our two tickets for Tim McGraw. I bought those tickets for your birthday and looked forward to going with you. I will go by myself and I hope you show up to dance and sing with me. You and I have been to so many concerts, and one of your favorites was when we flew to Las Vegas to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. You loved it because the venue was so small and intimate, with second-row tickets on the end seat, you got to shake Tim's hand. I'll never forget how big you smiled. I miss your smile and belly laughs. I kiss your pillow every night after I pray and then cry myself to sleep.

See You Soon

I love you so much, Monya

Dolphin World in San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

I thought about you all day today. I woke at 5:30 to see the sunrise and go to the estuary with Jori. Then Dwight picked us up with the boat. I got to see dolphins. It was so much fun. They swarm right next to the ship and are so playful.

Then we went out to Window Rock. It's gorgeous, and Dwight said it's an excellent place to dive. It was just me, Dwight, Jori, and her brother Scott. Then we headed over to pelican poop Island. Jori and I got out of the boat and looked for shells. There were the most beautifully colored shells out there. I collected quite a bit to add to our collection in Rocky Point. 

We ate at Sunset. I had flatbread that almost broke my teeth on—the crust was as hard as a rock, and you would have loved a beet salad.

The Sunset and sky were among the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It looked like pink cotton candy. I'm so happy Jori and Dwight invited me. A lot has stayed the same at Condos Pilar; now they have Del Fin condos next door, and they look nice, but I was happy staying with the Udalls. It's time for bed, but one day closer to being with you.

See You Soon

Monya

San Carlos Continued

 Dear Frenchie;

I wish you were here; I miss you. I wake up at 5:30 a.m. every morning. Jori and I walk down the beach to the estuary to collect sea shells. I meditate on this little sand hill while Jori searches for 'football' shells. I'm sure that is not their real name, but they look just like a bit of football with the threads—they are so cute.

Weslie and Phoenix would love to be here picking out all of the versatile shells; they differ from those in Rocky Point. There are much more well-formed shells here, and of course, you know I had a bag full. I called to reserve the condo next door to Jori and Dwight for next year. I wish I could get the kids to commit, but you know how that is. It makes me feel bad. They have traditions with the Wright and Bigelow families. I just want to start some of our traditions. I can't trust getting them all condos down here, and then at the last minute, they cancel because something better came up. These condos have to be reserved a year ahead of time.

Today, I sat on the beach thinking about you and did something you would be proud of me for. I went into the water in Mexico and climbed up to my neck. I was scared to death, but I did it. Jori and I kayaked today, which is one thing I have never done before. It was enjoyable.

Dwight, Willie, and Marion were gone all day diving; I went into my bedroom when they talked about it because I knew if you were here, you'd be on that boat, too. It's so hard to see lives moving forward. I wanted that with you. We were supposed to build the cabin and get old together. We got old, but not old enough for me to let you go. I'm struggling with your absence ... can we just have a do-over? LOL. I shouldn't be selfish, wanting you to still be here with me, but I can't help it. You always loved these trips.

Tonight, there was a gorgeous sunset. I took pictures and thought about you. I met a woman who does massages and had one yesterday. She knew nothing about me but knew I was holding a lot of grief, pain, and trauma on my shoulders. She could read my energy and detected many things in my life.

Willie made lobster, salmon, and steaks for dinner, which I know is your kind of meal. It was delicious. I mixed my lobster with garlic mashed potatoes and his buttery sauce. It was good, but too much butter for me.   

I think I might actually gain some weight while I'm here. The last time I saw Doctor Castrol, he did not like how thin I had gotten. I was at 109 pounds, and he said I needed to be at 126 to be considered healthy. It is hard for me to remember to eat or want to eat without you. 

I could feel you tonight at Sunset, so I sat out on a chair and talked to you while I was eaten alive by mosquitos. I sure love you and wish time would go faster. I want to be with you.   

See You Soon

Monya                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                         

San Carlos

 Dear Frenchie;

Jori and Dwight invited me to San Carlos. I'm staying in their second bedroom. It is so beautiful here. I forgot how much I love it here. You would have loved the sunset tonight. Purple, pink, and orange hues stretched across the ocean. A slight wind keeps the mosquitos away and cools us down at night.

I had a hard time getting someone to pick up my hours at work. I was supposed to be down yesterday but could not get one hour covered. Remember how often I have picked up an hour or two for people to help them? No one is picking up, and the block weeks they offered employees to be off until November has  passed so I can't take advantage of that anymore. I really thought I would do better going back to work after you left me, but it was too soon. You know in 20 years I have never called in sick or been late, I've been in the top 5% sales for the entire company, they only did that for three years. I loved going to Dallas and eating with Doug Parker as everyone was presented with awards. We now have a new CEO I have tried to put up with his antics but I just can't anymore. I was hired in sales, but not one of my calls are sales or service now, my entire shift is baggage (the worst calls ever)

The new CEO was American Airlines CEO before Doug Parker took over. He ran the business into the ground which is why we bought them out, however in the contract it was stated that Doug would retire after so many years and Ipson would take over again. Well I can tell you he did not learn anything from Doug, he's running the business for money only. I can only be on a call for 3 minutes or I get a performance 'interview' I've got that part down, but since you left I have called in sick twice and been kate twice. You used to be my human alarm clock. It's no ones fault but my own and I own it, I just don't see the purpose of putting me on a level. I didn't even know what that meant when Tryggve explained it to me. I also never knew. Also I didn't know I had to call in at least an hour before my shift if I'm calling in sick. I am supposed to know that when I've never called in so that made it worse for me.

I was in tears when Tryggve wanted to do my monitor with me. There is no more customer service and the only way to get a phone call done in under three minutes is if they only have a question, which happens NEVER. I can't be on a level, I can't lose my job of 20 years. I am calling Mike Markham tomorrow to find out more about disability with the state I'll have to hire an attorney but he only charges if I win. I'll meet with him when I get home. American won't give me disability for a few months while I get the state done. So I have to take a chance and pray I don't lose my job before i retire. If I can't get that all done, I'm retiring in January I just can't risk it I've invested so much of my time there. I think Dr. Lettieri and Howard are going to write my letter for the state and represent me. My eye is getting worse, not much longer and I will not be able to drive, I still don't drive at night unless it's coming home from the kids house.

It was a long day today with the seven hour drive, so I am going to  sleep now. I miss you so much and even though Jori and Dwight are the best and I love them for helping me through a rough couple of years. You'll be happy to know I finished my Amen University classes, it's been five years since I've been studying under him and it will really help me in my business Present Not Perfect. I finished EMDR and Arizona is now allowing life coaches to use it in their practices.Dr. Amen is a genius, everything I learn makes so much since I wish I'd known earlier so I could practivece on our own children.

 So I have my legal certification from Amen University on a wide range of things that will help in my new adventure. And I am continuing education with Amen because now everyitng is like 70% off if you finished all the classes at Amen University. I keep taking classes just to learn more of the dysfunctional Belshe family is.That conversation on another day. The kids thought we were bad parents, holy cow it just confirmed to me how normal and good our cute little family was, Yes we had arguments but for some reason you and I are were always able to listen and respect differences in opinions. I just spent 6 months with a couple who no longer talk to their parents because of the changes in personality as we get older. Now I am seeing it from younger perspectives and it's helped me to understand a lot. 

One is you and I were raised in homes where the church was prevalent it's was what you did because your parents took you with them on Sundays and no one was left behind. We had to have FHE every Monday it couldn't be on any other night but Monday-that is ludicrous. Who ever said Monday was the day?  

Remember when we got married and I started having FHE with the family every Monday-I would spend time on a lesson and game then dessert. but most the time I never got passed the lesson before all four of our rugrats were running around not listening, fighting or playing with each other. You and I often looked at each other and just laughed. The Stake also used to call us every month to ask us how many times we attended the temple? I'm sorry but young mothers do not always have one minute in a day to attend the temple, maybe they should ask members to go once a month as a couple to strengthen their bond instead of demanding it be done and then the mother is either on Prozac or trying to hard to keep up, and eventually they get burned out. I know it's different now, in every aspect of the church, we are not required to have Monday FHE anytime during the week is fine, even and especially Sunday. Which I changed for our family many years ago because we had baseball and dance on those night. Then we had to be at an activity every Wednesday night, I was so burned out taking three of our days from us is enough. NO MORE,  I heard they totally re-designed the strength for youth to be more about gaining your own relationship with Christ and He will lead you and guide you. Now that I like, these young teens are so peer pressured at school more than likely they are going to do something stupid, but are made to feel shameful instead. The Atonement is for EVERYONE including those serving time in Prison. My dad paid back his mistakes with prison and jail time,  I don't believe in a God who doesn't forgive even after death when someone like m dad always wanted to do better, be a better parent but the alcohol controlled him ... If He is the God I know he will work it out with them, it is not our job as leaders to make these kids feel shameful and hurt. We can talk about it later I'm just jacked up on it right now after researching myself. I have a very personal relationship with Christ, I understand the Atonement and I try to do what is right but when I mess up that is what the Atonement is for, so many people think it is for the 'perfect mormons' umm ... not at all it is for everyone no matter the sin big or small. We just need to try and be more kind to each other. I know I'm trying and I am so proud of our children they love you so much. I just want to be with you, I feel you often times at night and thank you so much for those times, but I'd much rather be sitting with you on a beach in San Carlos, than talking about this. I'm going with your thoughts that now that the children are raised they have their own choices to make about what is best for their family, and the time has certainly expired for them not to take responsibility for their own lives, and stop blaming their parents for everything. You either believe or you don't it's that simple, no one is making you do anything you get to choose. You and I talked about this numerous times, you and I fit perfectly together in the puzzle because we both believe in the Gospel we both wanted Temple marriages and children and to raise them in the church but that wasn't to be mean it was because the whole family went and I couldn't leave my infants home alone. You and I took care of our sins the way we were taught to just like any other organized religion, and for you and I it was the best decision anyone has ever made for us in the church. The point is many of the rules were written in the 1800's they didn't have green tea which has proven to manage many problems people have and it is better than a soda. Also they serve hot chocolate ate every event the church hases for the Holdiay seasons. It strickly says in the scriptures to avoid HOT drinks. Ok I'm done

I just want to talk about it with you more, but I gotta get to sleep..I didn't forget it's Fathers Day, I thought about you all day. I worried for the kids, but sent them text messages telling them how much you loved them and were proud of all of them.  I love you and missed making a German Chocolate Cake for you this year. I was in a car all day just to get to be with Jori and Dwight. But for now on you get that for your Birthday at Father's day without me telling you, "You've had enough." lol I love your guts.

See You Soon

Monya

Mexico

I am so grateful to Brian and Blake; they have been helping me figure out finances. I'm going to have Ronny put me on a budget. We are fixing 604 and 605 like you and I planned, except I will not pull up the tile like you wanted. It's not necessary; it's Mexico!! We are spending the money to update them and hopefully be able to rent for a higher amount and bring in a new client who will care for those condos like we do. Flor will have to do more work; if we need to pay her more, we will; I think it might be good.

Haleigh and Scott are in California. They will be gone all summer long. Before they left, they took me to IKEA, I know what you are thinking ... "She hates IKEA." Well, you are right about that, but Scott and Haleigh were so helpful. We bought all new kitchen essentials for 604 & 605, new bedspreads, pillows etc. Brian and I picked out two sectionals, one for each condo. I asked Kaitlyn and Haleigh to pick out the color. This time I'm decorating them exactly the same. 

Brian took the furniture down last week, and Blake took three new tables for the patio at the condos. I'm worried about spending too much money, but I am listening to the kids. They have good taste. Haleigh and Scott have rentals and know how to update. Kayla has offered to do some marketing for the condos; I know we must be careful, but I think Kayla understands. She will not give our names or the condo numbers, just a condo on Sandy Beach. I'm very pleased with all the kids; they are the best thing we ever did together. I see so much of you in each one of them. I wish you could be here to see our great children. You and I can't take all the credit. We know we could have been better parents. I only remember the good stuff. Each one has their own personality and perspectives, and I think they are good humans. I love them all.

See You Soon,

I love you, Monya

Leaving Montana

 Dear Frenchie,

It was a quiet drive from Anaconda to Missoula. Aunt Ann and Uncle Mike were hoping I'd miss my flight so I could stay longer. Missoula Airport is small, and it is easy to get to the gate; I had no check-in luggage. So I knew I wouldn't miss the flight, but it made me feel good that they wanted me to stay. You know how much I have craved connecting with the Belshe family. They are my heritage, and I want to know more. It's unfair that you were not there with me; you are the only person who knows what I know and how I feel. 

It's no big secret to you, but I cried on the way home. Uncle Mike is getting old. I hope I see him next year. He said he is coming in the next couple of weeks to fix his teeth. Shonna is taking him to a dentist somewhere in Mexico. He said it is not Rocky Point, so I think maybe the town we drove through when the border was closed; I remember there were a lot of dentists in the town.

I'm home now and back to work. I got the same bid this time: 6:00 a.m. - 10:00 a.m. working on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 

I miss talking to you; you always give me good advice. At night I get really lonely without you. My heart has a hole that can never be filled until I see you again.

See you soon

I love you-Monya

Uncle Mike & Auntie Ann

 Dear Frenchie

I love waking up in Montana. The weather is incredible, maybe a little cold for you. In the afternoon, it gets up to 78 degrees. Either way, I know you would love to be here. Today, we are going on a drive to Big Hole Lake.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann are so sweet and kind to me. Of course, Uncle Mike still cusses like a trucker, but it's him. I would be disappointed if he acted any different than who he is. Remember last year when we were here, we stayed in that cute VRBO? This year, I stayed at the house they rented until their home is finished from the fire. They only have five months without snow, so they hope the contractors finish before October.

They have many stories about life growing up as a Belshe. Uncle Mike was one of the younger of the nine children; my dad Colby was the oldest boy, and Nana was the oldest. Listening to their stories, I can see why some of my behavior patterns were genetically passed down. By the time Uncle Mike was a teenager, Grandpa Belshe had his stroke, so he and Pamela and Uncle Bill got away with a lot of crap. Uncle Mike thinks Grandma just got tired of raising kids. It's really sad to hear some of his stories.

 Yesterday was beautiful. The sun was out, and I didn't need a jacket. I brought some of the long sleeves you bought me in California with Dwight and Jori, which were perfect. Oh, and you will love this. Uncle Mike has worn the Puerto Penasco hat you bought; he says he wears it daily. It's his favorite. We drove to Butte, where Uncle Mike had a lung scan. We dropped him off and then went to visit Aunt Ann's brother, Hal. As I sat and watched Aunt Ann care for her brother compassionately, she offered to go to the store for him. I thought why in the world would any person not like her. Why? Because she is not LDS? Because she smokes? The Belshe family, including Grandma (who had a mean streak), just don't like her. She is one of the nicest people in this family I have met. When Coldby died, I went to his house to get something of his, anything he had handmade. When Lynn opened the door, she greeted me with this, "Oh, I know who you are, you're the Bitch of the family, your dad told me." I stood shocked, not knowing what to say. I had no idea Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann were standing just behind me ... not a good idea to call Uncle Mike's favorite niece a Bitch. He and Ann were so mad. Uncle Mike said, "Don't you talk to her like that, and my brother never said she was a Bitch; he loved her." then they pushed through the door, took her to another room, and told me to get whatever I wanted. While I was trying to find artwork or some of his leather work, I could hear Lynn getting her share of the mean streak Mike and Ann had for her. Colby was never married to her. In fact, she was still married to another man but just living with Colby. I grabbed a few things for my children to have. Even though they never really knew him as a grandfather, I still wanted some of his things. I'm glad I did because as I get older, I believe my dad loved me but didn't know how to show it; he didn't know how to be a dad, let alone a grandfather. He spent most of my childhood running from the law or in Prison. My heart hurts for him; he made it hard to love him. I was not allowed to know where he was in my youth and teen years. 

I'm not sure why the Belshe family is so judgmental of people. None of them live perfect lives. But I see now where Kris and Sonya got it from. Living and loving you was my best decision; I know my dad would have loved the man I married. I'd give anything for my dad to be alive and see how you and I have made a beautiful family together for forty-six years. We weren't perfect, but holy cow, we did not raise our children to Hate anyone. I have the greatest heritage, and this family is not what a family should be. If it wasn't for Uncle Mike visiting me as a child and texting me every day just to say, "I'm alive." He even came to your funeral ... I love him and know I don't have many years left with him; he's 77, and his heart is like yours. Since I don't know how it works where you are, I always wonder if you've been able to talk to Colby. If you do, please tell him all the talks you and I have had about him. I wished I'd had someone to call daddy, and it wasn't Gary. Tell him I love him and hug him for me. He really was a good man who made some bad decisions.

Uncle Mike and Aunt Ann took me on a spectacular ride today. Oh, Eric, you would have loved it. The forest was a beautiful green. They've cleaned up some of the dying trees from the beetles and huge piles of timber. It's so sad. I hate when the forest catches fire, or these beetles eat down these 100-year-old trees. By the time they grow back to this size again, it will be in another 100 years. I love being with Uncle Mike and Auntie Ann.

Love Monya