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| It looks nastier than it really is..it broke last night. |
Today I'm happy--not for any other reason but just because I'm Alive, I'm Free, I'm Me--I woke up, and I was still Monya. Still here, the sun is shining through my bedroom window; I got up and walked out onto the balcony off of my bedroom--I remember the day when I could look out there and see the Superstition mountains of Arizona. Although, they are more like hills, comparatively to the huge Mountains in other parts of the world or country. For us born and raised here in Az, we love our mountains.
I realize I am living on this continual roller coaster, one month is great, and 3 months not so great. I am always constantly wondering, what am I not getting? What is it that I should be learning here? I've tried to run and hide, I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried to pretend this is just a big joke.... jokes on me.
When Blake was in the Dominican Republic, and I was enduring the treatments of chemo and radiation, I often times went into his room and knelt to pray, begging and pleading with the Lord to take my pain away, asking why my son had to be gone for so long, I just wanted one more hug from him, thinking back now I remember those days as daily trials, things were happening so quickly I had a ray of HOPE, knowing Blake was given a blessing by President Greer the night before he left for the MTC telling him if he remained obedient the Lord would bless our family, and that I would be here when he returned in 2 years. I thought when Blake came home, the trials would magically end. Blake did all he was asked to do. He was obedient, had the best two years of his life, and our family felt the overwhelming power of the Priesthood and the Holy Ghost with us; we saw miracles happen with our health. I had it all figured out, and I prayed to thank Him for bringing my son home safely. Little did I know, my journey was just beginning. Have you ever had a beautiful heartbreak? Whenever I hear that song, it is as if it was written for me. Every fear I had and every pain I felt, I would pray he would take it all away--I never dreamed I would make it through; now that I'm here where I am right now,, still with sleepless nights and continual fear, I don't think I would ever trade any of that for anything, nothing I say or write can come close to explaining the emotions I have had through this beautiful heartbreak of mine.
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| He wore those CARS swim trunks all summer. |
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| I love this...Blake thank you |
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| Dirty like a boy...he knew Boston was #1 |
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| Why get a bowl? Bonbon lets me eat from the carton...shhh don't tell mom. |
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| Recker would live in the ocean; he never tires of it. |
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| Just like Blake, Recker loves the outdoors. |
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| School picture--I love it |
Today Recker was here,, and I watched him swim; no words were spoken. I just wanted to protect his happiness; I wanted time to stand still so I could remember every second of his laughter. This little angel boy has brought me such joy; I just want to squeeze him; I hope he knows I love him so much; I would gladly take away his trial to hear him say "I love you" to his mom and da Every parent deserves to listen to those words, but Recker, he shows his love in so many other ways--I have an open wound on my upper arm where the doctor took the skin to graft into my ear. Today, when Recker was swimming, he scratched his knee, and he showed it to me; I blew on it, gave him a hug, and he was off to jump, splash and play.....when it was time for him to leave, he clung to me, not wanting to go, I bent down to hug him, it was then that he saw the sore on my arm, and in an pure innocent gesture he took my face in his hands stared into my eyes, trying to communicate he lifted his shorts up to show me his scratch, then he kissed my ar . He was trying to show me we are both scarred with bruises--at that moment, I can't explain the rush of emotions that came over me; this little boy knew how to enter my heart, fill up my eyes with joyful tears that seemed to flow so quickly today. I felt like my heart was bursting to understand; I could not catch my breath enough to say, "I Love You"; he kissed my cheek and then my arm again. He took me by the hand, and we walked to the car holding hands; I hugged him like it was the last day I would ever see him again.
Usually, I am composed and I have learned to say when people ask how I am doing, "couldn't be better" Having this moment with Recker today, a reality was made clear to me, we are a forever family, we are not without trials, every family has them, they manifest themselves in different ways from family to family, but none of us are without problems. I'm grateful when I least expect it, the clouds part, and a ray of light reminds me who I am and that God has heard every single prayer, Heaven surprises me constantly when I least expect it...today was one of those days I think because I have been so desperate for answers, I learned today I have a purpose, something totally different than what I had expected--answers came clear.
So, did I learn anything today? Yes, a big YES, nothing that I didn't already know but some things I have forgotten to tap into. remember 2 things I am blond so it takes longer to sink in...haha and, He always sends His love it has given me HOPE in the darkness and helped me back into the light, I've been blessed to see that the give and take are precisely what we all need to help us become who He wants us to be, as He allows those trials to strengthen us, I'm looking forward to seeing what the next year will bring for me. Something unique is about ready to surprise even me, I can do anything with Him on my team.
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