Consumed

 Life is so overwhelming for me right now, I am so confused about cancer and how this going to affect my life. I worry everyday about my kids, I don't want them to worry I want life to be normal for them, and Eric is my ROCK. Many people don't know that his mother died from breast cancer when he and I were dating. For Eric this news comes pretty hard to him, I cant imagine what he is thinking. I tried to comfort him and tell him that breast cancer is not a death sentence, many people actually fight it and win the battle. I will be one of those people.

I was supposed to have an MRI today, but we cancelled. We are going to an appointment next week at the Mayo clinic and they will want us to have an MRI so no reason to have two of them, plus the insurance will only cover it once. (don't you just love insurance companies?) Oh well that's another blog, another day...
I am being watched over in so many ways and I feel the love of my family and close friends. I know this journey of mine is going to be the hardest thing I have done.
What is a normal life? I feel like we have had so many trials to over come the past couple of years, there is never any relief. What am I supposed to be learning through this? Patience? Faith? Endurance? Love? Because all of those are awesome characteristics to have but seriously? Cancer? 
I have not yet broke down and cried and I feel bad when other people cry because I don't know how to comfort them, I don't feel what they feel. It's almost like I am having an outer body experience. I feel so guilty because the tears wont come, I think when they finally do I am going to really have a melt down, hopefully it will be in private. I wish I could go to each person who has sent me a note on Facebook or an email and let them know I appreciate them, that I need them and their prayers that its ok for them to feel bad and if they shed a tear for me I understand and care. Heavenly Father is here, right here in my heart I feel him, I love him and I want my kids to feel him too, to be there for them and comfort them like he is me.