I want my life back

 

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7, 2010

I want my life back

This is going to be raw and really honest right now. Everything in my blog is for journaling, and I want to look back and remember everything in detail and for my posterity to learn from my experiences. 

Before my son left for his mission, I asked him to please write in his journal every day. "Just like you loved reading your granddad's journal from his mission, your children and grandchildren will want to read your experiences." Blake will want to read this journal and understand all that happened while serving the Lord. Maybe he will understand more about the blessings that have come to our family while he was gone. I also wanted to journal precisely what happens to breast cancer patients. My daughters, who if someday are diagnosed with breast cancer, will have a history from me, and their grandmother Viola Williams who also died from breast cancer. I look back on my journals and laugh or cry, remembering those moments in my life. 

So here goes my raw

I have not slept more than a couple of hours since the radiation started. I have been throwing up, and my stomach aches; I also lost 7 pounds. It is the worst feeling to stare at the ceiling fan all night just waiting for the sun to rise, 3 nights in a row. I'm not sure I can do that again. I might just go crazy in my head. Since I started radiation, I have been really depressed and lonely, wondering when this is going to end. I lay next to Eric on the sofa this morning, watching Recker laugh. Still, there is something inside of me that is scared. I did not want Eric to go to work; I stood at the top of the stairs and begged him not to leave I was crying and scared when I said "Eric please don't go, I can't do this, if you leave I won't be here when you get home." I was crying, I yelled to him "I WANT MY LIFE BACK"  he hugged me and told me that I was almost done, and to keep fighting.  Recker saved my life that day.

When I went to radiation today, they happened to also have a visit with the Oncology Social Worker on my itinerary. Her name is Patrice Al-Shanti. I was told she would talk to me about the different programs offered to VILLAIN patients at Mayo Clinic. In my mind, I thought, "great .... I'll sit and listen. Maybe something or someone else can help me today" When she entered the room, she shook my hand and introduced herself. She explained to me that she was there to talk to me. She had my file and knew so much about me and my life. She even said to me, "I love your blog" I was surprised that she had read my blog.

 I talked about how depressed I've been with thoughts of wanting to die. The doctor knew how I felt the past couple of days. We discussed how much I have grown through this journey. Then she explained that what I am feeling right now is NORMAL. She said almost all VILLAIN patients experience this depression and anxiety after finishing chemo. We want our lives back. The end is on the horizon. When I started chemo, I was ready for a fight l put all my fears in the back of my head and did what I had to do; now that it's over and I am feeling better, I want life to be normal again, but it's not normal.
She told me I needed to get things on my calendar, lunch with friends, go to a movie and start working out again ....... WHAT? Wait, slow down a bit. I can work out again? That put a smile on my face .... she said maybe go for a walk, get on the treadmill start slow; I am still going to deal with the neuropathy, and I know I will not be at the pace I was a year ago, but still this is good news to me... I know I'm weird. I love to work out, most people hate it, but it has been something I enjoy. I was given a CD called Healthful Sleep, guided imagery with music to help you sleep; OK never done this before, but it is worth it to get a good night's sleep; I'll try anything.
So there you have it... I am Normal, I have fears, I don't always have to be the strong one, it's OK to feel what I am feeling, it's OK to cry uncontrollably, and it's definitely OK to want my life back.

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 6:45 PM 2 COMMENTS