Another week of decisions is not entirely clear; however, changes have been written on my soul. My heart is forever changed, and I will never be the same because of these experiences; sometimes, I wonder if it is better or worse. Mostly because I know when the storms come into my life, they seem to rest and stay ever-entwined in my heart until I figure them out on my own. When I say "on my own," all that means is I must come to a higher mountain, much higher than the hills I've been climbing. So many times, I have been down or in despair, but this time is the worst I have ever experienced and forced me to get my knees calloused as I begged for answers. I have often spent time in my car, crying aloud, wondering if I have been abandoned--no answers have come. Earlier this week, I received a beautiful note from a young girl who has become our second daughter. I was so touched by the wisdom she offered that it brought me to tears, and it was at that moment she needed to hear from me as well as from her. I have not been able to get this conversation out of my head--It's words I've told myself repeatedly, but somehow when I think of them, they don't seem the same. I've indeed seen and felt the truth of the love of our Heavenly Father. He's always there, right there, just waiting to see how in tune I am... not entirely on the same page this week--but the fact is, I am living proof that modern-day miracles happen every day--he hears every prayer, he knows every struggle--it must make Him feel sad or disappointed when my complaints come in handfuls. He thinks, "I've outdone myself with this young lady. She can't even see the possibilities and strength she has" I know this for sure, we can never enjoy the good in our lives unless we have felt the bad or the trials that life often brings. We can't enjoy joy without living through some life-changing events.
I will never deny what I have felt. Some of the experiences I've had this past few weeks are so sacred to me that I will not share them on this blog but will keep them sacred in a draft for my children to read--maybe it will redeem me from my last post--(I cussed) sorry about that--it was real and raw, should have given a disclaimer before you read.
I knew my family, including my sisters, would be nervous when they read my last post--BTW--I'm not planning on killing myself--just at that very moment, I wished it was me, and I was happy for that lady at Mayo Clinic, don't misunderstand and send me emails as to why I shouldn't write or say what I feel--I am no longer amused nor do I want to be entertained by your negative energy. I'll repeat it, please don't read this blog if you are not willing to listen with an open heart--this is not your journey--it's mine--and as the Lord has created us all different, we all have different philosophies of how to deal with life-changing events--this is my way, and I will not apologize for my feelings, and one more thing, I am a Christian woman, who rarely says anything other than what I'm feeling, this does not mean I don't also have to ask for repentance--every day--mainly for the uncomfortable feelings I get when I read your emails of criticism. Let me update you on this week's activities.
I began by getting my records from Mayo Clinic, and we picked them up....\we as in Frenchie's my driver. I am going to the Cleveland Clinic for my 2nd opinion. The doctor is renowned for his facial paralysis reanimation surgery for people like me--when his office received the first batch of records and pictures, they were amazed at what they saw--Debbie was friendly and more than helpful. I need to insert here that my friend Diana Lents is the person who knows how to get this stuff done; not only that, but she is a nurse and will be able to give me my infusions in my PICC line twice a day. If Cleveland Clinic does not work out, have a connection with a doctor from Baylor and Mayo in Rochester. I insisted on Eric staying home--I can keep him updated--I don't want to put him through any more than he should, especially when he needs to work. So now that I have read all my reports from Mayo, I understand more of what is going on. A quick synopsis: when I was three, my eardrum was broken due to a blow to the head. With that trauma came many surgeries as a child. I was told back then I would never get water in my ear--never did--at age 29, I had a mastoidectomy removed. From then on, I was told some repairs were done, and I could not go underwater--the first time I swam was in the Hawaiian ocean when I was 30 years old. Skip forward to now; after going through chemo and radiation, mostly the radiation, the beams stirred up some weird stuff in my ear. I went to see Dr. Barrs a year ago, and he suggested getting the tumor out and doing the Baja Implant. I refused at that time to do it just because I was racking up some surgeries at Mayo, and at that moment, I was not worried about it. Skip to October last year, and my ear began to drain again. I went to see Dr. Barrs it was determined at that point it would not be a promising idea for me to wait for surgery--we started on some anti-biotics to see how they may help; on December 10, Dr. Barrs went in and took out the tumor at that point he took some skin from my upper arm to create a new eardrum because it was completely blown out too. I took a 2 month of medical leave from work--My ear was not healing like we wanted it to. My ear was tested for an infectious disease. I was also given a neurology appointment and consult--nothing. After a couple of months on antibiotics, my ear began to heal; they were pleased with the outcome. Still, one more surgery on the schedule to get all the debris out and re-evaluate was successful. I had to return for another surgery--even after this one, it looked good--Dr. Barrs grafted skin from my upper arm to cover some spots beginning to show bone. All was good; I had one week to wait for my follow-up. Tuesday, the night before my appointment, something popped in the back of my head near my skull; an immense pain took over my body, and I did not want Eric to worry. I went into a different bedroom and hugged a pillow to scream inside. I crawled back into bed next to Eric around 5; I didn't want him to know anything was wrong. I then drove myself to the Mayo Clinic and was admitted immediately. My face looked like it had palsy, no feeling on the right side, and my speech was off-I also could not raise an eyebrow or smile from the right side. This was on a Wednesday; on Friday, I had another surgery--the pictures he showed Eric were nasty--it showed where he had taken more skin to graft around the nerve, but within a few days, it had gone gangrene and partially killed off some of the facial nerves. This is not palsy. Now we are at a deciding point as I visited in length with Dr. Barrs, I didn't like any of his options, and he was open for us to get another opinion, so we are. I realize there is a window of opportunity for nerves; we are asking the family, close friends, and now ward and stake members to pray for me and specifically for me to feel peace with whatever decision we decide is best. I want to include all my decisions with the Lord; he has not let me down yet. With the strength of so many people praying, I KNOW an answer will come, one that I will more than likely have to accept and forward in faith, hoping I can find some peace--My face will never be the same, but it was never perfect before anyway--I'm ready--well I should say I am ready today and hopeful with all the fasting and prayers going out for me--the spirit will strengthen me to another height and again prepare me for what it is the Lord has in store for me, and what I'm learning will help others, even if it gives them a bit of strength to go on for another day, then do it again and again until life becomes a school of learning and a place where they too can pay it forward.
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| black dead skin December 10,2013 |
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| After 1st surgery in December--impressive staples, huh? |
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| January--looks like an infection. |
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| April 28th Surgery |
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| One week after my last surgery, in for a follow-up, my face has already begun to take on a new look. |
THIS IS THE SPECIAL TEXT I RECEIVED THIS WEEK--THANK YOU, I NEEDED IT.
1 COMMENT:
Thank you so much, Monya.