What Happened?

SUNDAY, MAY 11, 2014

What happened?

I am in extreme pain; it hurts to type this. I don't know what happened; I took a hot bath and felt fine. Eric came in to check on me and ensure I hadn't drowned. I laid down to sleep around 3:30 am, and suddenly had massive pain in my ear, going down into my jawline and throat--it's difficult to see. I've had some liquid in my left ear this week, but it only lasted for about 3 days and finally cleared up. Other than that, I think I've done well without pain medicine. The way I feel right now is I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up--I've taken the pain medicine to see if it will help--but the pain is getting worse--my eyes are blurring, trying to type this out as a blind deaf person is hard--but just in case I don't wake up I want Eric to know what's happening.

After my bath, I brushed my teeth and changed out the cotton ball because it was soaking through. I felt a pop in my right ear followed by immense pain--I was supposed to be at Dr. Barr's office at 12:00 today, this is awful--I can't do this; I feel like I have no control my legs won't stop shaking and now
My body is quivering, I cannot stop moving my legs, and my arms have no control--the pain is that bad.
I can't type anymore, it hurts too badly.

Written Wednesday, May 7th

Eric said, "Goodbye have a good day," and kissed me goodbye. I looked at the clock. I still have 3 hours to decide what I will do, I'm in so much pain. I got in the shower thinking the water might make me feel better--something is wrong I can feel it--pain in my inner ear is now shooting down my jawline and to the back of my skull--the nerves in my upper ear are burning, electrical shooting pain it won't go away.

No tears were coming; I was more afraid than anything else. My good friend Jori came by the house to pick up some Nerium for her daughter Emily, and she mentioned, "do you feel OK? you look like you have bell palsy?" I told her I was on my way to see the doctor and would find out more. I went upstairs, and sure enough, the right side of my face was drooped and sagging, no control over the nerves or muscles, my lip is drooping to one side, and I cannot shut one eye.

I drove myself to Mayo, arriving early, still not being able to control the pain, shaking while I waited in the waiting room. It didn't take long. I was the 1st one they called. Dr. Barrs is usually always on time, and in he came asked me to step up on the table, looked in my ear, cleaned out the debris, then helped me to the chair--he could see without asking that I was in pain--and the lack of facial control I'm sure was concerning to him. He got Kathleen, and she took me to the admissions area and explained I would be admitted into the hospital; the fourth floor in cardiology was the only bed they had for now. What? Who cares what bed I'm in? I just want to get this pain under control. I said goodbye to Kathleen and gave her a big hug; she is so sweet I enjoyed her when I went to Dr. Barrs office she is a beautiful person inside and out, and I know Dr. Barrs relies on her a lot for her professionalism and support.

As I sat in the waiting area, I could not control the shaking pain I was feeling, waiting for them to call my name. It seemed like I had been here forever. Finally, they came in a wheelchair, and they took me to the fourth floor. I remember the doctors in the elevator. They were cheerful and happy; why? It's not Friday...but as I listened, they were excited about a surgery they were going to do. Oh dear, that is the last thing I want to hear about right now--just get me to a room and take this pain away. They did, but not until Dr. Barrs resident came around to see me. In the meantime, I called my sister Sonya bc I couldn't contact Eric. 1st thing she asked, of course, was, "did you drive yourself?" "um...yes, I did, you know how I feel about people waiting around for me." she sighed and "said I'm on my way, and I'll call Marian and Eric"  I said "No I won't be here long and I hate people having to drive all the way out here"  She then asked if I thought she should tell my kids, I said yes, but not to have them come, I don't remember much of that conversation, the pain and agony were throbbing and uncomfortable.

Wednesday was quite a day filled with testing, pokes, blood draws, scans, MRIs, and CT scans. As they began to get me dressed and ready, I knew this was not going to be an in-and-out day. 

Blake was the 1st one to arrive; he kissed my head and said, "I love you, mommy." By now my pain was beginning to get worse. Sonya, Kris, and Eric had all arrived. My pain was so bad that the nurses had to put meds through my catheter and of course, it was difficult for them to find a vein. By this time I was in severe pain and was curled up in a ball of pain, the right side of my body was shaking severely and I was whispering to them to please just put some medicine in my IV that would put me to sleep and not wake me up...." sorry sweetie, we can't do that" "oh but Eric it is excruciating, I want you to just get a gun and shoot me in the head" 

The medicine was finally administered but by the time it had entered my mainstream I was in pretty bad shape, it looked like I was having a seizure with my body curled up and still shaking, my husband, Sonya, Kris, and Blake all witnessed this awful attack. Then later that night in the ICU all my children were there and had to see it again...I feel so bad that they had to witness their mother in such pain--I'm sure it was exceedingly difficult for them. I have never in my life felt that type of pain, and my body reacts by curling up, pounding the bed, and wanting to be put to death. Difficult to hear I'm sure but also try to imagine it is difficult for me to write too, however it is my reality. I later read some of the text messages that were coming through on my phone, and people who I love very much need to learn what to say and what not to say. This is my journey, not yours.

 I am trying to deal with it the best I can, I rely on the Lord, I am not depressed, and I'm past that, yes there are times I have moments of doubt, but I have very few people who can relate to what I am feeling.  I love my friend Heather who has been here every day to check on me; she has been a great strength to me for the medical questions I need to be answered, which, quite frankly, I do not understand the lingo. She explains it to me in terms I can understand, sometimes not so easy to hear but still the truth, and I like it straight she knows that. I've said it before, and I'll repeat it, there is no one living human who knows what I am going through but our Savior--Just as I do not understand fully the pain of going through a divorce or the heartache of losing a child--the Savior does. Those people can turn to him for strength, which is what I have learned to do.

I kept telling Eric I had seen everyone I cared about seeing but Recker, my sweet little Recker. Just as they were wheeling me off to surgery Kayla brought him in, he did not like to see me in that bed, he thought it was for him, because unfortunately he too has been in hospital beds, and it was a reminder; I'm sure to him. It made me sad to hear him cry so hard; he was melting down, and it brought tears to my eyes, I love him so much and wish I knew what to say or how to understand, but then again, the Lord is the only one who can utterly understand exactly what Recker feels.

 Off to surgery, I went. On the way, I had the pleasure of seeing Doctor Magtibay walking toward my bed. He said, "I thought I heard you were here, and he gave me a big hug" This was a happy thought to go into surgery with he has always been one of my favorite doctors on my team. I remember the mask being placed over my face and waking up in recovery. It did not take me long to wake up, and they returned me to my room. My family was all there, with the exclusion of little Ezra, Recker and Kayla, and Jeremy. We also got the unexpected and genuinely nice pleasure of visiting with the Lentz family, Terry has worked with Eric for years with Blandford Homes, and his wife Diana and I have also become friends. They brought these beautiful Hydrangeas I love them they are my favorites, those and Renuncuulas.

Terry & Diana Lentz

Diana is known for her beautiful floral arrangements

Love my sisters-Kris and Sonya

The night nurse Adaesey--Love Her

Haleigh Kaitlyn and mama.
.it looks like I'm sad, but the facial nerves won't let me smile

making light of the bells palsy--love the humor of my son in laws

and my daughters---I really did try to smile

Love My Girls. Just missing Chloe and Kayla

Just can't keep that eye open

Dr. Barrs came by on one of his days off. He is concerned about my condition and wanted to make sure I was aware of the severity of the ear infection and that my pain management was under control. The skin grafting he did on my surgery I had 10 days ago was already turned into gangrene. This means the skin is dead, and there is also some infection that is being treated. Right now, I have the infectious disease doctors on board yesterday they took 60 mm of blood out on my hand, the only vein they could find, however, it took them about an hour and a half to do, and barely got what they needed. Neurology is helping with the bell's palsy, but we are also concerned that some facial muscles and nerves through my cheek and jawline, then up through my skull at the base of my brain, are being affected. What will happen is really up in the air right now. I spoke with a doctor who works with Dr. Barrs about doing a flap to help with the disfiguration--I've been drugged up so much because of the immense pain that I don't know from one day to the next what has happened. I love my doctors, Dr. Howard is so great, and I am eternally grateful she is on my team working with Dr. Barrs. I'm not sure what I have done to deserve such beautiful and wonderful people on my medical team, but I feel like all the medical angels were called in to be on my team, especially picked out for me; I can never say thank you enough to them.

The pain is only under control through the regimen Dr. Howard has helped with it. It seems when I get up and walk around, it accelerates the pain and is excruciating. I need to get circulation so we have a good hold on keeping the pain level as much as possible at about a five with one being the best and ten the worst. As soon as it gets up to seven I try to get to the first dose of pain meds, then go to the bathroom, take the next dosage, and make a walk around the nurse's station with the help of one of the nurses, then by the time I'm back to my bed the level of pain is usually nine or ten. Still, I am trying to get the shaking and seizure- episodes down, so we can move forward, I will be here for a while.

This is about all I can type for now, and is caught up--I am looking forward to seeing my family for Mother's Day and want to wish all my friends Happy Mother's Day to each of you. Take those sweet kids in your arms and love them, unconditionally love them--let them know you care and that you are here for them NO MATTER WHAT--

for now, I love you all xoxo Monya

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