First Radiation Appointment

 

MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2010

1st Radiation Appointment

I entered Mayo Clinic today, wondering what was ahead of me. Waiting for my name to be called, I talked to a woman waiting on her husband who had his radiation treatment. Her daughter also had breast cancer 2 years ago; she spoke about how her hair grew back curly and beautiful. It's been so long since I have had hair, and I wonder how long it will take and what it will look like? 

As my mind wandered off, I heard my name over the loudspeaker... my stomach turned, and I got up to meet Chris. He will be with me in radiation today. After getting my gown on, I was taken to a vast room. A table connected to a massive machine is in the middle of the room. I now have 5 tattoos the size of freckles where they will radiate. My right arm is up above my head. It is painful; I have not had my arm above my head for that long time since before my mastectomy.
The technicians set up my body so that all the beams would radiate precisely where they were supposed to, and I was told not to move. When the lights went out, and the technicians left the room, I felt like I was in a Sci-Fi movie. The colossal round machine above my head moved and made noises, red and green beams penetrated my breasts. The technicians come in and out, rearranging the device and continuing to tell me not to move. The machine rotates entirely around my body, and the beams radiate each spot a few times. When it was all over, I had been in the same position for 40 minutes, and it was difficult to straighten out my arm and get off the table. My chest and face feel hot and now are red.
On my drive home, I contemplated all that I had gone through thus far in my life. My life has changed, that's for sure, and it will never be the same. I have been really studying and trying to learn more about hope. Not really wholly knowing what hope was until now, I think I have a better understanding of trusting that the Lord will fulfill his promises to me. You work through your trials with confidence, patience, and optimism when you have HOPE. HOPE helps me to overcome discouragement.

Parenting

SATURDAY, APRIL 3, 2010

Parenting

I'm sitting in a quiet home. I just finished watching the conference.  I am thinking about Haleigh today. She is in Guatemala with Habitat for Humanity, building homes. During the past 6 months, she has been through so much watching me struggle with the VILLAIN, so I am glad that she can get away. On Thursday, she spoke at Seminary General Conference. She was asked by Brother Chatwin last week to speak about overcoming adversity. Eric and I went to listen to her speak, she did an incredible job, and I was very touched by her spirit and maturity as she spoke. It is hard to believe she is my baby and that she is graduating this year from High School. It seems the years have flown by. All of my children are growing up so quickly that sometimes I wish I could slow things down.
When I look back on the years of raising my children, I know there were mistakes we made, but I am grateful for those times, for we were taught important lessons by the Lord in those times. Many mothers and fathers wish to do a few things differently. If we didn't make a few mistakes, how could we grow and learn what the Lord wants us to? Those years of growing and learning help us to be better grandparents. We never stop learning, and I am so grateful for that.
When Kayla got married, I was so grateful that she and Jeremy would live close by and looked forward to her and Jeremy's visits; now, I look forward to seeing Kayla, Jeremy, and Recker. They are such great parents and now will raise their children in the Gospel and teach them to follow the Prophet and listen to their leaders; they will teach them to pray and fast, give primary talks, bear testimony, and serve missions.
When Blake left on his mission, it was bitter-sweet for me and still is. Leaving him at the MTC in Provo was so hard. I watched him walk away with the other Elders knowing I would not see him for 2 years. When I got home from Utah, I entered Blakes's bedroom, sat on his bed, and cried. Each letter and email that comes from him reassures me that he is where he should be. One of his recent letters to me said, "mom, when President Bednar visited us, his wife spoke, and this is what she said... If every Elder is the missionary that they think their mom wants them to be, they will be successful" then he said "don't worry about me mom, I am trying to be the missionary you want me to be" Oh how I miss him, the Lord is watching over him and helping him, I know when he returns home he will be the man that he knows he can be.
Kaitlyn lives in Utah with her husband, Brian. The day she left our home, we were so sad. She and Blake have always brought humor into our home, and I miss her laughter. Now that Haleigh is the only child at home (and she is rarely home), it is quiet. I have learned that each of my children has survived haha...we, Eric and I, have survived, haha... I don't think parenting ever ends. Motherhood is the best thing I have ever done in my life, and I am proud of each one of them; not that Eric and I have been the best parents in the world, but because they have each learned to listen with their hearts.

LABELS: CANCER, JOURNALING 

Mayo Medical Journal

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2010

Mayo medical Journal

Today I went to see Dr. Kreymerman. He's my reconstruction surgeon. We have a good relationship. It's fun to visit with him. Since December, I hadn't seen him when I had my last expansion. He called while I was on Spring Break and wanted to see me since chemo was over. He had the biggest smile on his face when he walked into the room. He walked right up to me, gave me a big hug, and said he missed me. I don't know about you, but I have never had a doctor hug me and say he missed me before. First, he sat and asked how I was doing, then we just talked about life and the new medical reform. haha

He's a wise man. I think he will figure out a 5-year plan, which might include moving to another country. I told him I really didn't want to have to go visit him in India. I really love him as a doctor; he is kind and compassionate. 

I hate to see what happens when the new bill just signed by President Obama goes into effect. What type of health care will we have? Dr.Kreymerman told me today that many of his colleagues have already said (including him) that they will retire and move to another country to practice medicine. He told me today that there are 3,000,000 people in Canada, and there are over 1,000,000 people on a waiting list for surgery. He has a patient who has uterine cancer. The doctors in Canada told her she was not worth them caring for her since she only had a 5-year life span. WHAT? are you kidding me right now? Uterine cancer is easy to take care of, and 5 years is a long time to wait. They could treat her, and she could live for 50 more years....not worth it? A year ago, she sold her house and everything she owned, moved to Arizona to see Dr. Kreymerman, and is now alive and doing fine. OK, enough of that.....

Dr. Kreymerman told me that he would like me to be in the Mayo Medical Journal they are writing. I asked why? He laughed and said, "because you are my favorite patient".... ha ha ha .... "well, I know that, but what is the journal about?" He replied, "You are only one of two patients that Mayo Clinic has ever had a successful nipple restoration on, and there are only 50 doctors in the United States who perform this surgery; I am one of them" "Oh so this journal is about you?" he laughed and said "No, but it does help that my name is going to be next to yours in the journal" I agreed to do it, my name will not be mentioned. Still, my breasts will be on display and they took tons of pictures today, no facial pictures. The success of nipple restoration is to show patients who do not have to have radiation that they can restore and keep their own nipples.

At the beginning of my journey when I was first diagnosed with the VILLAIN the doctors did not think I needed radiation. After my mastectomy is when we found out the VILLAIN had spread. Dr. Kreymerman had already performed the nipple-sparing. I asked him today if the radiation will affect the surgery he did and his reply was "It's a crapshoot, we will see."

Radiation burns skin, it's a good chance it will burn the nipples right off, so all the work Dr.Kreymerman did may not work. That's OK, I know he wants it to be successful after radiation, but I am not so worried about my nipples; I am just glad to be alive and pray that radiation will be successful. I will see Dr. Kreymerman two months after my radiation, and start planning for the rest of my reconstruction.

Tonight when I pray I will thank Heavenly Father for my life, and for guiding me to Dr. Kreymerman he is MY FAVORITE and he knows what he is doing. Eric and I prayed about where to go for treatments and Eric was answered, Mayo Clinic has been wonderful for me. I also will continue to ask for guidance and to help my pain go away. I need Him to help me be strong during the rest of these treatments. Today was a good day, I look forward to seeing Dr. Kreymerman July or August.

Reflections in the Mirror

 

MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2010

Reflections in the Mirror

With all this good news in my life, I have been feeling good and happy the past couple of days. I will enjoy this time right now. I have been so homesick for Blake but have decided that the Lord can take much better care of him than I can, so I need to for now and let the Lord do his thing. In May, I will talk to him again and then turn him back to the Lord. Thank you, Tamy, for your Advice. It's a good thing I only had one son. The Lord knew it would be too hard for me to send them off for 2 years.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror naked, like after you get out of the shower? Usually, I run into my closet and quickly get dressed, but today I stared at myself for 15 minutes; WOW, things have changed over the years. Are we as women ever 100% happy with our bodies? Even when I was running every day and exercising like a maniac, I was not satisfied with what my body looked like. But today, as I looked into my eyes, I saw a different woman who has endured many trials in her life that should count for some of those wrinkles I have on my face. I know a woman with much faith and love for her family and friends more than ever before. I love people I never would have given the time of day to before. Not because I didn't care for them but simply because I felt I didn't have time. I see an imperfect body, maybe even a little sick and frail, but inside that poor body, I see a stronger woman, willing to stand up for her beliefs at any cost, even if I'm the only one standing. Today, I can look past the imperfections and understand that imperfection is in all of us. The Lord does not expect us to be perfect. He expects us to come unto him and love one another. Interesting to me, since it is so hard to love what they see in the mirror staring back at them. I never thought I would love the woman staring back at me, but I do, even with my bald head and fair face, with no eyelashes or eyebrows. The past 8 months have brought to light a new perspective on life. Too bad I waited 47 years to come to a clear understanding of who I am. I wish I could talk to all young women and tell them don't wait for something tragic to happen in their life. Be faithful and strong now, come to see yourself like the Lord sees you- BEAUTIFUL- HE loves each one of us, and even though we all look different when we know who we are, we learn that in the Lord's eye, it does not matter, because we were created by him, and He is unconditional love.

Good News

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24, 2010

Good News

When I get labs taken I usually have to wait at Mayo Clinic for an hour and a half to get the results to my doctor before my appointment. When that happens the last couple of times I like to journal about what I see and how I am feeling. 

I went to the cafeteria and purchased a salad and water bottle, I pulled out my debit card and for some reason, it was declined twice, the little old man working at the register looked at me and said "no problem, just take your food, I don't like to see people go without food" at this point I'm thinking "is he serious?" Then he said it again I thanked him and off I went to my usual seat in the corner where I can see the clock and watch everyone who comes in and out. 

I'm really restless and nervous today about not only the lab results but also about my life. Today when I entered the Mayo Clinic building the smell of sickness hit me when I stepped off the elevator onto the chemo floor. I can still smell it here in the lunchroom too. It makes my stomach turn, seriously? I often think, what am I doing here? I drink my water but throw away the salad, it was not as good as I thought it would be.

Everyone in this room is 70 or more years old, with the exception of one guy who is sitting close to me, his entire face is red, when he turns to look at me he has a huge and I mean huge (the entire right side of his face)tumor on his face, he is probably in his 20's, he is alone, where is his mother?

I thought to myself "I wonder if he looks at me and thinks, "Boy I'm glad I have all my hair?" because when I looked at him I thought "geez, I'm grateful I don't have to deal with that" My thoughts go to my own son who is serving a mission in the Dominican Republic, he is about this boys age. Oh how I miss Blake, I am looking forward to Mothers Day when I can hear his voice. I'm sure being away from his family right now has been really hard on him. In every email I receive he says he prays for me all day long, and today I am wanting to cash in on all the prayers that have gone out for me.

Now I am staring at the clock it moves so slow, 20 more minutes until I check in to see Dr. Northfelt. Sometimes it feels like my life is in slow motion, I have always lived fast pace something to do or someone to take care of every day.

When I am in public I look around at all people who are healthy and wonder if I remember what it feels like to NOT be sick, I'm jealous. I head to the oncology department to check in.
The nurse called my name and I went with her.

1st blood pressure perfect; 

2nd weigh-in I lost 8 pounds (good) 

3rd waiting again in the room for my oncologist Dr. Northfelt. It's freezing in here the nurse brings me a warmed blanket. The doctor comes in with a big smile:
Dr, Northfelt: "your labs came back NORMAL"
me: "what does that mean"
dr: "it means something you are doing is working. I had a whole new regimen lined up for you to start this week, I have never seen anyone go from the lowest white blood counts and platelets to normal that quickly, we are very pleased" I left his office knowing exactly "what I was doing" relying on prayers and fasting, it works! The 1st phone call I made was to Eric, we both cried happy tears.

My sister Sonya told me earlier today that her family was fasting and praying today for me. The faith of so many people is a powerful thing, I know I have a long road still but today I am celebrating good news. Eric came home from work picked me up and we ate a salad at WILDFLOWER BREAD CO. I think it was perfect, especially since my salad at Mayo was not as good as I thought it would be.

Oh yeah, and today was email day, Blake is doing incredible, six months out yesterday.

Mexico Spring Break

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 20, 2010

Mexico Spring Break 2010

Mysti and I downtown

Me with the local culture

Mysti Ivy and Eric

Eric and I shared a drink.

Anthony Gruninger, Ivy Bryton, Maddy Taylor Haleigh, and Emily are all in the back seat of Eric's truck.

Mysti, Taylor, Maddy, Bryton, Ivy, Me, Kaitlyn, Haleigh, and Emily


Kaitlyn and Brian

Me, Haleigh, and Eric

Maddy Haleigh Taylor Emily

Kaitlyn and Brian, Eric and I

This week for me, has been the most relaxing wonderful spring break I can ever remember having. Eric and I invited Mysti Brown and her 4 girls to join us at our condos in Mexico. Saturday morning at 4 am, we left. Eric told Mysti to be on time, or if she was to arrive at our house at 4:01, we would be gone. We have an ongoing joke with Mysti about being on time (she is notorious for being late). We wanted to go early to have an extra day to enjoy Kaitlyn and Brian. They had to leave Tuesday to make their flight home. I was so happy that they could come from Utah to be with us and really sad that Kayla, Jeremy, and Recker could not come because Jeremy had to work. I miss my little grandson Recker and can't wait to see him when we get home.
This has honestly been the best therapy. My goal was to get away from the VILLAIN or distract myself for a week, long enough to laugh and enjoy my family and friends. Every day has been a distraction, fun-filled, good food, and incredibly relaxing. 

The VILLAIN is next to impossible to stop thinking about (especially when I am the only one on the beach or at the pool with no hair). I spent a lot of time in the condo relaxing. I was at the beach with everyone one day, and the Mexican vendors were walking the beach. One of them approached us and asked us if we wanted our hair braided, and I took off my hat and said, "how much?" we laughed. It was so therapeutic that even the vendor laughed.

Before we left, I was worried about whether or not Mysti and her girls would be "weirded out" if I walked around the condo with no hat. Exposing my bald head is something I am sensitive about. I know I have posted pictures of myself on my blog but seeing it in person is different from seeing it alive, walking around talking. I asked Mysti if it would be ok or if she thought her girls would be affected by it. Mysti being the sweet, wonderful friend that she is, looked at me and said, "of course, it will be ok" Still, even with her support, I felt like taking my hat off and walking into a room of people would be extremely difficult. I now have lost all my eyelashes, so I look even balder, but I did it. I took off the hat, and Mysti and her cute girls made me feel like nothing was wrong like I was just an average person, and for one week, I felt like I was one of the girls. I have not had that much fun or laughed so hard in over 8 months. It felt so good to know that part of my personality was back that I could not think about the VILLAIN and, for 7 days, enjoy my life.

Mysti and her girls, Emily Holicky, Eric, and Haleigh, were fun. Mysti and I have been friends for over 20 years. I love her so much. We have been through many things with our children, many, many trips for dance with the girls, and her son Wyley I love like my own son, he and Blake have been friends for years. We have laughed and indeed cried together. We have shared experiences that have bonded us together as friends for eternity. She is always willing to serve other people. I love that about her. During this time of my VILLAIN experience, I have appreciated her so much for her service to my family. She brings out the silliness in me, and I was so glad she was there for this trip especially.

The week before we left for the trip, I had a doctor's appointment with my oncologist. I was told that my white blood counts were extremely low, and the doctor said to me that they were concerned that the chemo did not work as they had hoped. I came home and cried to Eric about it but decided not to post anything about it until we got home from the trip and had time to tell our children and family. I was upset when the doctor told me I cried, and she actually cried with me, which is unusual because she has never shown any emotion. (she is  my oncologists assistant) We were hoping not to have to see any doctors in March, but so far, it looks like I will only have last week off. I need to go back this week for more blood work, then we will know more. I am hopeful that the results this week will be better. I continue to pray and ask the Lord to bless my family and help me understand his plan for me.

POSTED BY UNKNOWN AT 10:35 pm 3 COMMENTS 

My Smile Experiment

TUESDAY, MARCH 9, 2010

My Smile Experiment

Mayo Clinic rebooked my appointment that they canceled last week at the last minute. I went by myself today. I decided when I woke up that today I would make eye contact with as many people as I could and just simply smile at them.

This is what I saw today at Mayo Clinic a blind man with his seeing-eye dog getting into the elevator with me, I did smile but instead of eye contact I said "hello, how are you today?" He replied, "Good, thank you for asking." 

As I waited in the beautifully decorated waiting room I looked around and saw so many sick people, everyone in their own world. I wondered what each person was there for. I overheard the lady sitting next to me telling her friend that this is the end, she does not have much time left, and she is dying. My eyes filled with tears as I listened to her heartfelt worry for her life. The nurse called her name for chemo, and off she went. I looked into the eyes of a lady in a pink breast cancer baseball hat, her hair was gone just like mine, I smiled and she smiled back with a nod of her head as if to say "I understand" and then they called my name. Off I went for my lab work, I smiled at Liz who was my nurse today she smiled and said "how are you, and why are you walking so slow?" I explained to her about the neuropathy and she hugged me with a sincere strong hug, I teared up again. ( I do that a lot now) Today because I know the people at ayo are in my world they understand what it means, I don't have to explain.

I had an hour and 40 minutes until my next appointment so I went to the Mayo Clinic cafeteria to grab some lunch. I watched a lady yell at the person working at the grill, she was upset with him because he forgot to give her a pickle, she looked at me and shrugged her shoulders wanting me to agree with her disgust. I just smiled and she looked away. As I walked to my seat I saw a man and woman sitting together, she was in a wheelchair and very crippled, she could not hold her head up. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I watched as many couples or friends discussed their medical issues over lunch, one couple I watched never talked or even looked at each other.

In that room, there was not one person who was my age or younger. I watched an older couple sharing lunch, he was careful to split the cheesecake right down the middle and give her 1/2 then he made sure not to start his lunch until he knew she was comfortable and happy, they laughed and enjoyed their time together. I watched Mayo Clinic volunteers walking around to each table asking if they could help take trays, or if anyone needed water. Then a man walked by who distracted me, he had a ponytail down the middle of his back, I wondered when mine would be that long again, and why his was... haha. I saw angry people, sad people, tears, some with hair, and some without.

My experiment today came to the conclusion that most people smiled at me no matter what their condition some even indulged in conversation with me. The ones who didn't quickly look away as if I had just injected them with some deadly disease. I'm not sure what makes people happy or sad, but I do know it's curable because it's a choice.

I decided today to be happy I was not the lady in the wheelchair who will never walk again, the woman who will never hold her head up to see the beautiful blue sky, or the man who walks with a seeing-eye dog because he is blind. Be grateful you can comb your hair every day ---even on a bad hair day, be glad you have hair, never take for granted your legs if you can walk or run with no pain you are lucky, if you can hold a baby in your arms or write to a missionary...you are blessed to have hands and arms that work. If you have a mouth you can smile, and maybe your smile will save the life of someone who is feeling depressed or lonely, thinking they have nothing to live for. Every day we all make a choice when we wake up...am I going to be happy and serve someone else today, or will I waste the day doing insignificant things, being angry at things that in the eternal scheme of things really do not matter, at the end of the day can we say "I made a difference today?" I want to make a difference, be it even within the walls of my own home, don't look back, look to tomorrow to make those changes wake up in the morning, and do something worthwhile, close each night knowing you made a difference. Never let your knees tire of bending and asking for the help you need, ask HIM to guide you to those who need help.

LABELS: CANCER, JOURNALING, MAYO FRIENDS,  

Recker

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 6, 2010

Recker

I am now 'The' official babysitter for the most beautiful little boy in the world. Kayla had to go back to work last week, and she brings Recker over around 6 in the morning. 

Papa Eric plays with Recker and loves the time he spends with him in the mornings. Usually, around 8:00 AM, Papa brings Recker to me so he can get off to work. 

It is a perfect match, Recker and me. He still sleeps a lot, and I still sleep a lot, so we do it together. He is a really easy baby to take care of. Heavenly Father knew I needed this little guy to help me get through the "junk" in my life. I love every minute I spend with him. He recognizes us now and loves to have his clothes off. Recker loves when bonbon gives him a bubble bath, I sing his songs favorite song, and he always perks up at one particular part f the music. When we make funny noises, Recker smiles. I love when he sticks his tongue out when he smiles, and he has a little dimple next to his right lip...so cute.

Can you tell I am a proud bonbon?

Last day of Chemo

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2010

Last Day of Chemo

Today was my last chemo treatment....the significance of this milestone is overwhelming to me. I am not feeling well today, but I know I need to get my feelings down on my blog as it usually goes through the week of chemo. I get sicker as the days go on, and it makes it difficult for me to concentrate (primarily because of the drugs)
My day started with Tamy picking me up at 9 am, and we checked in at 9:40. We sat in the waiting area, visiting each other and having a spiritual talk that I will not soon forget. I love Tamy. I explained how much I've felt unprepared spiritually for this trial.
I am really far from being done with this journey. As I look back on the past 6-7 months, it is such a blur, and in some ways, it has burst my eyes and heart wide open. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am looking forward to 6 months from now when I can say "I am cancer-free."

I did not want to go to chemo. It is grueling and makes me sick, but I knew it would be my last, and I was ready to conquer it today. It was a rainy day, and after hours of the chemo being pumped into me, the nurse came to say I was done. The chemo was done draining. Tamy looked out the window and said, "look at the beautiful rainbow."
Tears filled my eyes because I knew it was the Lord giving me a sign. It was like the rainbow I saw with Haleigh in Hawaii, just 2 weeks before I found out I had the VILLAIN in me, except for one thing we could not see the end of the rainbow this time. The VILLAIN is still lingering over our house, but I am still here, trying to survive. I believe the end is in sight, but I have more work.
The nurses came in and celebrated with me. I cried as I hugged each one of them and Tamy. Now I have the month of March off, only 2 doctor appointments, and they will do the mapping to get me ready for radiation in April. I am so looking forward to being with my family, we are going away from here for spring break, and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

Not Ready To Say Goodbye

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2010

Not Ready to Say Goodbye

Lately, I have been thinking about what it would be like to say "goodbye" to my children and husband. Have I done everything I can to be a good mom and wife? NO, is the answer !! How can I look in their eyes and say goodbye? I have so much to do and still so much to accomplish. Kayla just became a mom for the 1st time. Although she is an amazing mommy, I think she needs my help. She teaches me so much every day about motherhood, patience, kindness, and unconditional love.
Life with Kayla has always been easy; she has been a wonderful daughter to me. As a small child, she graced us with her smile and contagious laughter. When I look at her now, I see a daughter of God who is strong and ready for the life that she and Jeremy will have together. No, I am not prepared to say goodbye to her.
Blake, my sweet Blake, I love him so much. He is my only son, and the day he was born, I knew he would be a valiant servant of our Heavenly Father. He was a big baby, 9 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long. He came out big and has the biggest heart of any young man I know. He could melt my heart with his big blue eyes as a small boy. He was a mischievous little boy curious about the world around him, definitely loved being in the outdoors, and still does. Heavenly Father knows him... he knew the mission he sent him on would not only give him joy but growth. He has become a wise and faithful soldier of the Lord and continues to want to give more of who he is to the Lord and to us. NO, I'm not ready to say goodbye to that boy.
Kaitlyn has been deemed the most like me, and she is. She has my personality, my looks (sorry about that one), and my strength. I love everything about her yet doubt myself as a mother so often. When my best was not enough, she had always lifted me up with just a smile or a "reality check" She rolled over before she was 2 months old. She ran around the church by 7 months, and we could not keep up with her. Her personality was and is outgoing, the room would light up when she came in, but we always wondered what mess we were going to have to clean up. She has always made us happy, she has a strong testimony, and now as a wife, she teaches me how to do it right. I have so much to learn from her. She was spiritually prepared and ready when the Lord introduced her to Brian. Now they are building their marriage with the strength and love of the Lord together; they will be able to listen when he whispers to their souls to answer their prayers. YES, I want to watch them grow together, so NO, I'm not ready to say goodbye, not yet.
Haleigh is my baby and will always be my baby. Eric and I planned for her. We were so excited when she was born. Her personality was quiet and reserved. I remember looking at her one day when she was about 9 months old and thinking she would be a leader. Haleigh will be a strong daughter of God who will always be an example of what a young woman should be. Over the years, I have seen her become faithful and steady, pure and holy, a compassionate young woman. I know our Heavenly Father looks down on her and surrounds her with his spirit. I see in her what Heaven sees in her, and I am not ready to say goodbye to my baby who has so much more to give the world; I want to be here when she chooses her eternal companion and is married in the Temple. I want to see her become a mother and share her spirit with her children.
Eric, what can I say? He has seen me through so much in my life. I love him eternally. I could not look him in the face and tell him I was ready to leave, leave you here with the mess after I'm gone. I want to take it back whenever I am angry or upset with him. Does it really matter if the closet is not cleaned or the bed is not made? Why did I get mad at the garage not being cleaned out unless I did it (I've always thought that was a man's job)? Why couldn't we do it together? Do we really need a new car or the best of everything? No, we don't.

I remember Eric's mom telling me one time before she died, "If Eric comes home from work and wants to just sit and talk or go for a drive, you don't want to because there are dishes in the sink. You go because the dishes will be there when you get home, but you do not know if tomorrow You or Eric will be there" This is so true; we never know what obstacles will be put in our path along the way. We have had a few in our marriage, and I have stayed home to do the dishes. I'm sorry I did.... the dishes are still there....who cares? 

If anyone really cares that my house is a mess, they need to face a life or death journey. This journey I am on is teaching me. I am learning to leave the dishes and enjoy the moment. So on this late night, I finish this entry by saying a prayer. Kneeling and pleading again with my Heavenly Father to help through this fight. My peace is in your hands. Please calm these storms that I am in, please give me another chance to feel strong and faithful, forgive me for being "in the world" instead of listening to your whispers in my ear when you said so many times, "Be still and know that I am God" or the last few months when you have said to me "dear daughter of mine, let's fight this together. It is a mountain, but we can climb it together" I just want another chance; please let me rise up from this; I will do better next time, I promise; I am a child of God who wants another chance.

Kaitlyn & Brian Visit

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2010

Kaitlyn & Brian Visit

I miss Kaitlyn so much, and I was so excited when she and Brian told me they would be able to visit this weekend. It has been months since I've seen Brian. Seeing them together, here with the family, made me miss them even more. I wish so badly that they lived closer. I tried so hard to be up to par with them while they were here, I made sugar cookies for Kaitlyn because I know how much she loves them, and she asked me to make them since it was Valentine's Day weekend. Even though my body was in pain, my heart was happy because they were here.
We had a lot of fun just staying at home and enjoying each other. Brian and Kaitlyn are so cute, and I know why Kaitlyn married him. He is perfect for her in every way. Today they went back to their home in Utah, and I am sad again. Having all of my family in one place simultaneously will be a dream come true; the next time that will happen is when Blake gets home from his mission, and speaking of Blake, I miss him and have shed more than one tear over that boy lately. Even as I feel the aching in my body, I am so grateful to be a mom, not only a mom but also to be Kayla, Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh's mom.
Being a mom is easy when you know they make wise choices and include the Lord in their lives.