Collecting Pebbles in My Pockets

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 1, 2010

Collecting Pebbles in My Pockets

Yesterday marked one year since I sat in a doctor's office while he told me, "You have ductal carcinoma" I don't remember his name, but I do remember how it felt; I will never forget how it felt. Within a few days, we knew we needed a 2nd opinion, and within a month, I was told I had not only one type of cancer but two different types of cancer and 3 lumps. I was scheduled at Mayo Clinic for a Bi-Lateral Mastectomy within weeks. 1st I needed to get my son off on his mission. On September 23, Clyde Bawden so graciously offered to fly us to Utah in his plane. Blake entered the MTC, and tears fell from our eyes. Not entirely sure I would ever see him again.

Five days later, I was in the Mayo Clinic Hospital having a double mastectomy. I was then diagnosed with stage 3c breast cancer. Two days after surgery, I was told it had spread to the lymph nodes, and I needed another surgery. Two days later, I had a second surgery. My life would be forever changed. 

A whole new wave of emotions engulfed my soul. Next, some recovery, then I Loved planning Kaitlyn and Brian's wedding in November14th. That day was a beautiful wedding and magical night, and I'd say one of my favorite nights I've ever had.

Two days later, I began a long process of chemotherapy and expansions. December, our first grandbaby, Recker J Roussel, was born. After many long months of chemo, I had radiation for seven weeks. And now here I am one year later, with a lot of fear still on my mind but a softer heart than when I started.

I don't think I can ever put into words the feelings I have had this year. I have tried so hard to record it all for my posterity, but it just does not seem like enough for some reason. My life has been blessed beyond what I ever thought could be or deserved. I know that HE LIVES; I have felt Him lift me from dark and lonely places. He has taken my pain away on days when I thought I could not go on anymore. Because I have this knowledge that He lives and loves me, my spiritual life is better than it has ever been. Never before in my life have I been more in tune with who I am. I look at people differently; I smile at things most people (including myself a year ago) would never smile at. I believe everyone is unique and special. Everyone is a daughter or son of our Heavenly Father. People have emailed me from all over the world and asked me about my faith, people I don't know, and all I can say is it is so important to believe in something or in someone. It is faith and love for Jesus Christ; I accept Him as my Savior and know He died for all of us; he Atoned for our sins. The trials and tribulations that we all have in our lives can be so hard and sometimes seem to never end, but through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have learned to rely on the Lord for guidance and strength.

I have discovered that I am a stronger woman than I ever thought I could be. I know I can do hard things, challenging things. I recognize the people in my life who care and love me; I have learned that I have a lot of love to give, even to strangers. I can listen and learn and never forget. I've learned that the attributes I want to have in my life are charity, love, virtue, patience, and humility. I have the rest of my life to work on these; I want to work on them not because I think it's what I should do but because it's who I want to be, and I know it's who Heavenly Father wants me be.

Hope is the anchor of my testimony. Hope is trusting in something better to come. Having faith in Jesus Christ means I accept him as my Savior and Redeemer. It means I trust that He loves me unconditionally. I have also learned to be diligent in studying. I wanted to know all I could about the VILLAIN, so I increased my knowledge. Reading everything I could get my hands on about breast cancer. I also made a personal goal to not only read but study the scriptures and Preach My Gospel daily. This has brought great comfort to me.

Tears fill my eyes when I think about my family; I love them so much and could not have survived this past year without their loving arms around me. I've learned to be grateful for every breath of life I take, enjoy the beauty of the earth, and appreciate all of our seasons of life. Every moment I get to spend with my husband and family means more to me than ever before. A house, car, boat, big diamond, condo in Mexico, or cabin in the Woods is not what makes me happy. Those things are just that ....THINGS ..... and they simply don't matter to me in the eternal scheme of life.

Sometimes, when we're climbing mountains, we think to ourselves, "Will l ever reach the top?" but when we do. The view is clear. We then look back and realize that it was just a little sand hill; we learn that along the journey of life, we had what we were searching for right in our hands the entire time ....... and that, my friends, is LOVE. Love of a family, love of friends, and love of a Heavenly Father. He never left our side, not for a minute. I've been collecting Pebbles in My Pockets during my climb. Each represents something or someone who has touched my life; I can take them out now and remember those precious moments that profoundly touched my life this year. Thank you for your prayers, support, and love through this uphill climb. I love you.

Although my future is still unsure, and the doctors will not tell me I am cancer-free, I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been.