What is Devastation?

 

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2010

What is Devastation?

I ran into a friend I had not seen in a very long time; she did not know I had been diagnosed with the VILLAIN and asked me about my short hair. Since I have always had pretty long hair, she was surprised! We had a pleasant visit, but one of the things she said to me has really stayed in my head for a few days now. She told me, "HOW DEVASTATING," about my cancer. My immediate response was, "no, not devastating, life-changing maybe, but not devastating."
So this poses the question to me, "what would be my devastation?"
What would it take to make an occurrence in my life be devastation? When I think back on my life and some of the trials I have had to endure, I realize none of them but one has genuinely been devastating. Knowing my mother only lives an hour away and wants nothing to do with me or my sisters, I have gone through bouts of significant sadness and emptiness, knowing she does not wish to mend and repair, that she does not want to move forward. There were times when I honestly thought I could not get up in the morning, knowing that it would be another day without some resolution, It's been 18 and 1/2 years now, so much time has passed, so much of life has happened, and all without the luxury of being able to pick up the phone and call my mama for some advice, or a recipe. It makes me sad when I hear people talking badly about their grandmothers. I wanted my children to have a grandma, someone to bake cookies for and with, someone to hold hands with at the zoo, someone they could be proud of, but instead, they were left with nothing, no memories, no history, nothing but emptiness, they don't know what it's like to have a grandmother. Eric's mom (the best mom and person I have ever known) died of breast cancer before my children were born.
It gave me a chance to think about the word DEVASTATION, and I realized it means different things to different people. I always thought if I were to get a life-threatening disease like cancer, it would be devastating, but I guess what I was afraid of was having to change my life enough to be ready for death. So for me, the only devastating part of dying from cancer would be if I died without knowing that I would be with my family again. If I died without my children knowing how much I love them if Eric never knew how I adore him, and if none of them knew that I have a testimony of the Gospel. If we all live our lives in a way that our Heavenly Father would be proud of, if we serve one another as HE did and do our best every day to be more like HIM, death is not devastating. Knowledge of this gives me HOPE and the power to overcome FEAR.