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WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2010
Am I Selfish?
When all the world is spinning around me, and I feel like I cannot get a grip on reality, I kneel and pray for strength; most of the time, I do this in my son's bedroom. I think I choose his room because he is on a mission right now serving the Lord, and I feel not only closer to him but also closer to my heavenly father.
I think any mother who says sending a son off on a mission is easy is much more spiritual than I am. I think 2 years is a very long time to be away from Blake-oh how I miss his sweet smile and awesome hugs. The Villain can rob a person of so much just by mentioning cancer. Anticipating my Mayo Appointments today has completely consumed my thoughts.
I don't want to have Uterine Cancer. Is that selfish of me? I remember saying a few months ago, "why not me?" I know I can't take that back, and it makes me wonder what more I could have done to prevent this from happening? I have done everything the oncologist asked me to cut sugar, processed food, and white flours from my diet, faithfully take my medicine and listen to my body for signs.
NO REGRETS has been my and Eric's motto, and I don't think I have any; I wish I could serve others more and give back to so many in need. The people who have followed my story on this blog and left me particular messages have no idea what those mean to me. As I was trying to get some perspective, I read back through some of my old blogs. When reading your comments, it brought tears to my eyes, knowing that I am surrounded by women who know... the woman who see when another sister needs a lift or a brighter view, you are the ones who give me HOPE on days when I feel my soul needs to be still. I wonder if it's ok to feel scared?
Once you have been diagnosed with breast cancer, and after long, hard months of fighting the VILLAIN with chemo and radiation. I somehow expected them to say, "You're done, the villain has left, and you had won your battle."
Now having the oncologist tell me this could be Uterine Cancer is a tired unexplainable feeling.
Mayo Clinic Specialty Building 8:45 am I saw Doctor Kreymerman this morning; he said everything looks good, of course, it does; I have the best Doctor on the Planet, remember? I also gave him his Christmas/Hanukkah gift .... a tie, the same thing I gave him last year. What do you provide a doctor? He is so sweet. It is getting closer to the time we will have to end our patient/Doctor relationship. I will miss him the most. I will always be eternally grateful to him and Heather for the love, compassion, and support they have given me this past year and a half. PK made me promise him today that I would do everything Doctor Magibay tells me to do. I told PK I didn't have a hysterectomy; he looked at me and said my promise to him trumps that. This would not be an actual post if I didn't say once again I Love Doctor Peter Kreymerman.
Now I am waiting to be called back for my ultrasound. Doctor Magtibay ordered it last week. My bladder is so full I need to pee badly, but I can't until after the exam. I glance over at the RESTROOMS and decide I need to reposition my body so I don't have a birds-ey view of the women's bathroom. It just makes me want to go more. No one in this waiting room is under 70 ex for Lil ole' me. I can't help but hear the conversations going on all around me; this is what I heard while I waited:
man 1: "oh, I hated radiation."
man2: "my prostate is on overload right now."
woman: "Yeah, I got a UTI and was put on meds immediately."
man 3: "you should have seen my wife; 2 weeks ago, she started chemo. It's gonna kill her, I just know it, but the doc won't listen to me."
At this point, I'm thinking, "please don't ask me anything, please just don't make eye contact; I don't want to engage in conversation today. I just want to be entertained."
Lucky me, my name was called over the loudspeaker, and I went with my full bladder ready to burst. I had 3 different types of ultrasounds today, 1st one checking my ovaries looking on the outside, just like if you had an ultrasound when you are pregnant, the 2nd one was more invasive, and the 3rd even more invasive, using a probe to get 3D pictures of my uterus and ovaries. It was a little uncomfortable but didn't. Now I am waiting to hear back from Doctor Magtibay.
UNKNOWN
11 COMMENTS:
Been thinking about you all day... Please don't forget that all those women's names you mentioned are learning and growing from YOU. We are all sisters in this whole plan,d we are blessed to have each other.
I'm so glad you know how much you have loved my precious girl.
Jenster
Monya, you are an influential person, and I have learned so much from you as I have read through all your highs and lows during your treatments. It has given me such a great perspective and much hope as we face our own trials. I know that it is through your faith that you have endured and will continue to endure all things. You are a rock-solid example to us all! :)
Jen said it so perfectly... I have learned so much from you- you inspire me to be just a little better- and I am grateful to call you my friend! Love you, lady! Rely on the Lord, and don't ever feel like you spend too much time in Blakes's room on your knees! xoxo
Today I had a little cyst lanced on my side just next to my breast. It hurt so bad that I wanted to cry, but I kept telling myself, you can do this; if Monya can do what she has done, you can do it. I can't imagine the pain and suffering you have gone through in the past year and a half, but I know that you did it with grace, and I am thankful for your example. I will take my cyst and the pain there, and every time I have a trial, I will say, I can do this, no matter what. In just 10 short days, you will hear that boy's voice, and for those few minutes, life will be perfect. You are in our prayers daily, frequently in the car and stores. Just whenever you come to my mind, I say a little prayer. Thank you for being so honest about how this whole thing feels. Thanks for saying that it stinks, cuz it does, and it's not fair, but He does love you and me and all of us, and I pray every day that I can do whatever it is He gives me to do, complicated or not because He will get me through. If you ever need to hit someone, please call me; I have a ton of padding!!!! Have a fantastic season and especially an excellent phone call. Find Joy.....:)
Your courage inspires.
Monya-
I want you to know how your spiritual growth has inspired mine, watching you face your adversity! Your faith and courage inspire me and the rest of those who have followed your story! You are a strong woman and a great example, and I appreciate you sharing your testimony through your blog... It has blessed my life and pushed me to try harder and improve! You have been an instrument in the Lord's hands, and I am sure he is so proud of you and how you have gracefully faced this trial! You are in my prayers and OFTEN on my mind! Hang in there... Love you!
Thanks for this post, Monya bonbon. I believe in the power of prayer, and allowing us all to know about your journey gives all of your friends a reason to pray for you. Thank you for sharing. I think about your all the time. Love ya, girl.
I know how you feel about missing Blake. When Spencer was in Chile, I was in mourning for two years. Then he came home, got married, graduated, and now is in the NFL. Time goes by so fast. I also didn't want surgery to remove all my female parts, but I can honestly tell you I have never missed them. If you have a choice between bleeding all the time or not, I will choose to be spayed and neutered. Love ya!
Dear Monya,
Thanks for always letting us into the intimate parts of your life! As I read your blogs, they are always truthful and laced with some humor--I find myself being sad with you and laughing at the things going on around you. I am grateful that you have done this blog and can tell it like it IS. You are handling this trial with much courage, humility, and faith. Thank you for teaching us how to handle such trying times.
xxxooo Patti
Wow, you really are loved and do have wonderful friends! You bring perspective to all of my silly stresses of the season. Like your friend said, you undoubtedly have faced your trials with grace. That is a word that makes me think of you. You inspire me and help me to have courage and faith in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. Trusting Him can take away the worry and fear. Indeed, you are justified in feeling those emotions. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well. I love that you go into your son's room to pray. I remember that day when I had to let my own sons go. And oh, that little grandbaby is so sweet!
Monya, you deserve to be selfish. You deserve the right to complain, cry, and come apart at the seams. You also deserve to laugh, love, and live! And I am so thankful that I stumbled onto your blog many months ago. I laugh with you, pray with you, and cry with you. I promise I won't stop praying for you.
xoxo Robin in Ok