Vulnerability

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2010

Vulnerability

I had my appointment this morning with Dr. Paul Magtibay. I was nervous going into the Mayo this morning but not worried about seeing Dr. Paul Magtibay. I sat with Dr. Paul Magtibay and explained to him some of my fears. I told him that last week I prayed about him. That same night as I was researching him, I found a video that brought tears to my eyes. He was explaining to the people that, 1st and foremost, his family, wife, and children come first in his life, then his patients and practice are a close 2nd. I explained to him today how moved I was by those words he spoke; after hearing the sincerity in his voice, nothing else really mattered to me; I had my answer. I knew I could research and find out his credentials and even find out from other Doctors, including Dr. Peter Kreymerman, who had nothing but great things to say about Dr. Magtibay; what a great doctor he is. 

Still, it was more important for me to know what kind of man he was. As many know, Hysterectomy has not been a priority. Without explaining why, I will just say I have some personal fears, immobilizing fears that I have never explained to a doctor before but felt comfortable enough to talk to him today about it. He listened with intent and was very comforting and assuring.

We looked at my ultrasound results, and he said my ovaries look good and clear of masses or cancer for now. Then he explained that I had some options to find out more about the Uterine cancer, but even with trying out the other options, they would not be a solution. I asked him what his suggestion was, and he said he would advise a HYSTERECTOMY .... duh I knew that was coming. 

Please, if you are reading this, do not send me an email saying this will be the best thing I ever did. My fears about not having a hysterectomy have nothing to do with the actual surgery or recovery, it is very personal, and I choose to not blog or talk about it. I do not want to offend anyone, I just have some deep emotional fears and scars that have nothing to do with the ACTUAL Hysterectomy,  and when I receive those emails, it makes it worse for me; I sure love all of you for your prayers and concerns. Still, my situation is slightly different from the average woman getting a hysterectomy. I do look forward to not bleeding or having those horrible cramps. My surgery is on the schedule for next Friday. January 07; I will stay in the hospital and be down for a few weeks. My anxiety level for this particular surgery is extremely HIGH, so please tread softly with me; I need your prayers. 

After my appointment at Mayo, I met Haleigh for lunch; when I got up to refill my water cup, a woman sat next to the cups with her son. She said to him, "look at that lady's hair" I looked over to see that they were talking about me. The mother turned her head away when she knew I realized she was talking about me, then the son just laughed; the mother then made a comment as I walked back to my chair, "I seriously hope she did not do her hair like that purposely"  tears filled my eyes, it really hurt my feelings. I usually don't let those types of people in my life; it's easier to just walk away. But today, I feel a little vulnerable.